Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers

[Teenagers: I wrote this article  for parents.  It will be most useful for you to skip down to the teenage section below the line.]

Someone re-posted on Facebook a parenting article by John Piper that has caused me some reflection.  The excellent piece was originally written in 1993 and is entitled, “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad” (I’ve pasted it below).

Families would certainly experience much harmony if teens would willfully choose to adopt these resolutions. However, a mistake would be for us parents to try to demand, manipulate, or coerce our kids to adhere to such a list.  (The fact that the list was created by a parent — Piper — rather than a conscience-stricken teenager makes it feel just a little coercive to me.)  Just as love must be chosen, so must be our kids’ commitments.  And like it or not, such things are largely out of our control.

The hidden danger of Piper’s list is that it might only serve to make us parents frustrated with our kids’ shortcomings.  It would be more useful for us to brainstorm about the kinds of commitments we might make to our teens — something over which we have total control!

If parents would take the first steps in committing to uphold a safe, respectful, nurturing environment I think the chances of our kids adopting a list like Piper’s would be high.  So with that in mind, here’s my first attempt at a useful list of…

“Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers”.

1. Resolved: to influence you spiritually by devoting myself to knowing God more deeply and living authentically with integrity.
2. Resolved: to love God first and my spouse and you children second.
3. Resolved: to take responsibility to be your primary spiritual shepherd.
4. Resolved: to always tell you the truth, so you have reason to trust my leadership.
5. Resolved: not to allow work, recreation, or other involvements, to distract me from being a good parent.
6. Resolved: to always view you as a precious, yet temporary entrustment from God.
7. Resolved: to protect you, but not be overprotective.
8. Resolved: to continuously nudge you toward becoming a responsible adult, ultimately working myself out of a job.
9. Resolved: that my satisfaction in being a parent will not fulfill some detrimental sense of needing to feel needed.
10. Resolved: to gradually let go of you over time and avoid excessive hovering, rescuing, and clinging to you.
11. Resolved: to give you as much freedom and as many choices as you prove capable of handling.
12. Resolved: to always treat you with dignity and respect even if I disagree with some of your choices and values.
13. Resolved: to genuinely listen to you, seeking to understand your point of view.
14. Resolved: never to pressure you to fulfill my unachieved dreams nor to meet some unfulfilled need stemming from my own upbringing.
15. Resolved: to allow you to pursue your own suitable interests and hobbies.
16. Resolved: to help you discover your God-given talents and skills and to invest in their development.
17. Resolved: never to compare you to other people’s kids.
18. Resolved: to help you prioritize your involvements, with the things of God taking priority over the things of the world.
19. Resolved: to invest generously in providing you opportunities for spiritual growth.
20. Resolved: to speak honestly, straightforwardly, and privately to you about any concerns I have — avoiding sarcasm, inferences, subtle hints, nagging, overgeneralizations, labeling, venting and triangulation.
21. Resolved: never to intentionally embarrass you in front of others or slander you.
22. Resolved: to highlight publicly your good qualities as well as those of your generation.
23. Resolved: to major on the majors and minor on the minors.
24. Resolved: not to expect your very best all the time but rather that which is reasonable for the moment, knowing that  no one (myself included) can give 100% simultaneously to every area of life.
25. Resolved: that my acceptance of you not be performance based, but rather grace oriented.
26. Resolved: to be consistent in my rules and disciplining.
27. Resolved: to treat you and your siblings individually according to your needs rather than equally, and to be ready to explain any apparent differences in treatment.
28. Resolved: to seriously consider your feedback about the fairness of my rules, chores, discipline, etc.
29. Resolved: to set family chores that are reasonable, based on everyone’s ability and availability.
30. Resolved: not to make arbitrary rules, but rather ones that are purposeful.
31. Resolved: to communicate the “why” behind things as often as possible.
32. Resolved: never to say “Because I said so.”
33. Resolved: to administer natural consequences that are appropriate to the offense, not arbitrary punishments that merely put you in your place or inflict pain.
34. Resolved: to encourage your successes without taking away the opportunity to learn from your failures.
35. Resolved: to say “Yes” every time I can and to only say “No” when necessary.
36. Resolved: to put my requests of you in the form of polite questions as often as possible and use the imperative only when necessary.
37. Resolved: to say “Please” and “Thank You”, extending you the same courtesy I would appreciate from you.
38. Resolved: never to use my power and authority in an authoritarian way and never to treat you like property or a household slave.
39. Resolved: never to raise my voice in anger and to give myself a time-out when I need to cool down so we can engage in meaningful dialogue.
40. Resolved: to be willing to admit when I’m wrong and be quick to apologize when needed.
41. Resolved: to give you clear instructions on what I expect from you.
42. Resolved: to acknowledge the difficulties of being a teenager and love you unconditionally in the midst of them.
43. Resolved: to acknowledge your feelings even when they may not seem sensible to me.
44. Resolved: to call you by affectionate titles that are honoring and not embarrassing or derisive.
45. Resolved: never to pressure you to behave a certain way just to make me look good.
46. Resolved: to try my best to always give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the best about you.
47. Resolved: that whenever you violate my trust I will work with you to find opportunities to rebuild my trust in you.
48. Resolved: to give 10 compliments for every criticism and that every criticism I do give is constructive.
49. Resolved: to encourage you to reach your potential, but not to withhold my love if you don’t.
50. Resolved: to believe in you.

Mark

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Here is Piper’s list, titled “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad.”  Teens: there’s much wisdom here if you can accept it!  He really describes what being a godly teen looks like in very practical ways.

• Resolved: I will obey your instructions and do what I know you expect of me, even when it is not mentioned. I will not force you into repeated reminders, which I sometimes call nagging.
• Resolved: I will not grumble or complain when I do my chores, but remember what a great thing it is to have a family and a home and clothes and food and running water and electric light and central heating in a world where millions of teenagers have none of these.
• Resolved: When I think your demands are unfair, I will move to do them first, and after showing an obedient attitude, I will ask if we can talk. Then I will explain my side and try to understand yours.
• Resolved: I will not stonewall you and give you the silent treatment, which I dislike when my friends do it to me. If I am depressed and want to be left alone, I will say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now. Can we talk later? I’m not mad; I just need to be alone.”
• Resolved: When I do something wrong and let you down, I will apologize sincerely with words that you can hear. Something like: “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up the pile of clothes.”
• Resolved: I will call you by affectionate family titles, like “mommy” or “daddy”, or “mom” or “dad”. And I won’t let other kids pressure me into calling you nothing, or calling you something disrespectful as though true affection were embarrassing or childish.
• Resolved: I will say thank you again and again for the ordinary things you do for me. I will not take them for granted as though you were my slave.
• Resolved: I will talk about my feelings. Both the positive ones (like happiness, pity, excitement, sympathy, etc.) and the negative ones (like anger, fear, grief, loneliness, discouragement, etc.). I will remember that unshared feelings lead to estrangement and coldness and even more loneliness and discouragement.
• Resolved: I will laugh with the family and not at the family. I will especially laugh when my little brother or sister tells a simple joke with expectant excitement.
• Resolved: I will give two compliments for every criticism. And every criticism will aim to help someone improve, not just belittle or cut down.
• Resolved: I will enter into family devotions and treat Bible reading and prayer with respect and do my part to help others in the family enjoy them. When I don’t feel spiritually strong, I will pray about this as a personal need rather than pouring it on others as a glass of cold water. I will remember that confessed weakness knits hearts together.
• Resolved: I will not return evil for evil or try to justify my meanness because somebody treated me meanly first.
• Resolved: I will read my Bible and pray every day even if is only a verse and a brief call for help. I know that teens cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.
• Resolved: I will come home at the time we agreed on. If something happens to stop me, I will call and explain and ask your guidance.
• Resolved: I will greet our guests with courtesy and respect and try to make them glad they came.
• Resolved: I will always tell the truth so that you can trust me and give me more and more freedom as I get older.

Pastor John
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/teenage-resolutions-for-mom-and-dad

What matters most.

This weekeend was our daughter Brenda’s long awaited Piano recital. Fifteen years of piano lessons with her teacher Shirley Hanneman reached their culmination. Brenda rose to the challenge, delighting the audience with selections from Chopin, Debussy, Mozart and more.  The music was quite amazing.  

Afterwards several people came up to me and congratulated me — some almost in tears — commenting on how excited I must be about this day, how amazing she sounded, and how proud I must be of her for her music. 

These sentiments caught me a little off guard, and I wasn’t sure why. While I thoroughly enjoyed the recital, my level of excitement about the music wasn’t what one would expect from a beaming, proud papa. I experienced the same thing an hour later at our other daughter Lexi’s 8th grade Honor Band concert.

Why was I not floating on cloud nine over these noteworthy (pun intended) musical accomplishments of my girls? I needed to reflect a bit on this.  And I did. 

What I’ve concluded is this:  I find tremendous joy and satisfaction in my girls, but the things I treasure most about them have very little to do with their performances, abilities, good grades, and accomplishments.  What thrills me most are the virtues I see being lived out in their character:  a love for serving God, biblical values, the respect and love shown us,  responsibility, integrity, hard work, and good stewardship of what God has given them (including their talents), etc.  

If I were to be a beaming papa (and I always am!) it would be because of their daily character, not because of the talents on display last Saturday.   If both of them retained their character qualities but were tone deaf, had learning disabilities, and were poor students, I would be every bit as satisfied with them. 

Because the stigma of performance and success is not that important to us, we’ve tried never to pressure them towards high achievement.  True, we’ve affirmed them in the use of their talents, but we’ve tried never to pressure them towards greatness.  In fact, if anything, I’ve tried to lower the performance expectations, saying things like “No one can reasonably give 100% to every area of life.”  “Don’t overdo things”,  “Only do as much as is reasonable given your other commitments” and “Be sure you leave enough margin in your life so you can fully enjoy it.”  The fact that they’re achieving such success anyways is actually ironic.  

Equally ironic is my observation that many parents pressure their kids to be highly successful in sports, music, or academics, and inadvertantly cause stress, pressure, and ultimately resentment in their kids.  And in doing so they miss the opportunities to cultivate the positive character qualities and virtues that are so much more important in the long run. 

Am I thrilled that my kids are talented?  Absolutely.  But the talent itself isn’t what matters most.

Giving Up Groceries!

Our family has decided to give up Groceries for a month! Once again this confirms that our family is more than just a little odd! We did, after all, give up electric lights for a whole week last year. And we pulled the plug on our TV almost two years ago.

Here’s what’s going on this time. We had a “family meeting” recently where we talked about the fact that our family spends exactly $500 per month on groceries. (We use the “envelope system”, which always keeps us within our budget). We also talked about the large amount of food we have stored up in our cupboards, fridge and freezers, which would be good to purge. As we talked this question was raised: could we live for a month on the food we already have in our house? I said a resounding “Yes!” — the others weren’t quite as convinced! But we all agreed it was worth a try. With only a slight amount of compromising the challenge was set!

We decided to only buy “essential” groceries (milk, fresh fruit, etc.) and to try to spend as little of the $500 as we can. Whatever money we don’t spend we’ll donate to some ministry that distributes food.

It’s really not been bad at all so far. It’s amazing what food options have been hiding in the back of our cupboards for who knows how long! I’m personally looking forward to the end of the month to see what interesting food combinations we’ll be forced to serve up!

So far we’re a third of the way through the month and we’ve only spent $31. I’ll let you know how it goes as the month progresses!

End of the month report:  We spent a total of $70, enabling us to give $430 towards food for the hungry!

Sacred Pathways

On our Winter Retreat this weekend, our teaching theme presented the “Sacred Pathways” described in the book by the same name by Gary Thomas. I’m going to summarize the book here so others will know what we talked about–I think every believer would benefit spiritually by learning the insights presented in this book.
So here’s a quick overview to clue you in. Gary Thomas is one of my very favorite authors. He is, a marvelous church historian who gleans spiritual gems from the forefathers of our faith and puts them in easy to understand language. In his historical research, he has identified nine spiritual “temperaments” or ways that people are wired to best love and connect with God. Knowing how you’re wired to worship helps you experience God in more meaningful ways. The nine pathways are

• The NATURALIST — worships God through experiencing God’s creation
• The SENSATE– worships God through the five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, & taste)
• The ENTHUSIAST — worships God expressively through joyful passion and expectation.
• The INTELLECTUAL– worships God by studying Truth and establishing firm beliefs.
• The TRADITIONALIST– worships God by enjoying historic practices of the church, symbols, creeds, or hymns.
• The ASCETIC– worships God by living a life of simplicity, solitude, and self-denial.
• The CONTEMPLATIVE– worships God by meditating on an intimate, loving, personal relationship with Him.
• The CAREGIVER — worships God by loving and serving others.
• The ACTIVIST– worships God by making efforts to change the world.

All the “pathways” are valid and necessary in the church. We’ll each have several that are dominant–and knowing that helps us to avoid judging others’ ways of worshiping. It also helps to know that it’s ok for me to worship in a way that may be different from others. It’s also useful to try other pathways to expereince God in new ways. During the retreat after presenting each pathway in detail we had a time to experience each one (nature prayer walks, contemplation, prayer for each other, packaging meals for Kids Against Hunger, etc.)

Everyone received a copy of Sacred Pathways. I’d recommend eveyone get a copy and take the assessment. I have a case of books if anyone’s interested in purchasing one for $10.
By the way, in case you’re wondering about my pathway mix–I’m an Ascetic, Contemplative, Intellectual, who’s becoming more and more of a Traditionalist!

Restorative Justice

This past Wednesday our youth group talked about “sibling rivaly” as part of a three week series called, “Family Ties.” As part of the night, Andrew Boone interviewed Cindy, Brenda, Lexi, and I about our family dynamics. As we shared about how our family works, we mentioned how restorative justice has helped keep conflicts from escalating in our home.

I’ve talked about this before, but for those who might be interested, I’d like to explain this important concept again.

It’s inevitable that family members will hurt one another.  Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes accidental.  Sometimes it involves an action done and sometimes it’s something neglected.  Sometimes it involves words, sometimes simply body language.  The hurt is caused by unawareness of others (at best) and disrespectful hate (at worst.)  In any case it’s always hurtful to family harmony and therefore requires some sort of response from us parents.  

But how should we respond to such hurtful treatment?  Here are two common responses that I think fall short:

Punishment.  Often parents inflict punishments that have no relationship to the hurt that was caused.  Spanking.  Being sent to your room.  Grounding.  Loss of computer privileges, etc.  I know these parents are well meaning in what they are doing. However, I suggest that this response falls short — the wounded party remains wounded and the offending party feels arbitrarily punished, which breeds resentment. The goal of family harmony has not been reached.

Requiring Apologies.  Sometimes parents take another approach at resolving the issue by forcing an apology.   Apologies are a good thing and they do bring healing when they’re genuine. The problem with this is that if the offender isn’t truly sorry about what he did, he can’t honestly apologize, so this forces him to lie.  True, you may get a lip-service apology, but it’s not heart-felt and I would suggest that the wounded party remains wounded (perhaps moreso because a false apology adds insult to injury).  And the offender has been encouraged to simply go through the motions. Again, this falls short of the goal.

So what’s the alternative?  I suggest…

Restorative justice.   The idea here is that when one family member hurts another, the response should primarily involve giving the victim justice rather than punishing the offender.   If something is stolen, it must be returned.  If someone has been dealt pain, they should be given pleasure.  If someone has been treated disrespectfully, they should be treated with respect.  If someone is cut down, they should be built up.  (By the way, i consider put downs, sassing, sarcasm, and snearing as a robbery of self-worth, so restoring self-worth is the appropriate antidote even for these.)

This idea stems from the very nature of God Himself–His justice! The concept here is that the victimizer must repay the victim — whether he is sorry or not. The injustice must be acknowleged and the offender (if of age) should have to propose some sort of compensation that will sufficiently right his wrongs. The victim (if of age) needs to determine if the proposal is sufficient compensation or not.  If the two parties can’t agree on proper compensation, then the parents will need to intervene and assign whatever is appropriate.

(By the way, this principle should apply to offending parents as well as the kids–everyone deserves to be treated with value and everyone needs to make things right when we fall short of that!)  

Resorative Justice is how we run our home, and I credit it with giving us a great deal of family harmony which is a great treasure to us. And it’s self-perpetuating. Brenda and Lexi have learned to resolve their own injustice issues without much intervention from us at all.

But beyond the immediate family harmony that we enjoy today, there’s also a longer lasting benefit I’d like to mention: building character for life!  Restorative Justice has become so ingrained in our family system that it’s now just the way we think. We’ve learned that all people are made in the image of God and therefore deserve to be treated with respect and that we must always make things right when we inevitably hurt one another!

An alternative to teenage dating.

Since it’s a topic that affects our youth ministry, I’ve decided to put my thoughts on Teenage Dating in writing — something I’ve never done before. I don’t expect anyone to agree with my views, but I do feel it might be useful for me to present them in case they might be beneficial to anyone.

I have been observing the teenage dating culture for the past 24 years that I’ve been in youth ministry and this has given me a unique vantage point for formulating my views.

I’ll start by saying right up front that I’m not “anti-dating” and I don’t judge anyone who chooses to date. Dating couples have my blessing and I really hope things work out well for them. In fact, I have known several dating couples in youth group over the years whose relationship I greatly respect. And I’ve even had the privilege of officiating at a few of their weddings!

But in my observation, for every one dating success story there are dozens that can only be described as “epic fail”. To me, teenage dating puts a couple on a precarious path right next to a cliff! Almost all of them fall off the cliff at some point and then there’s a huge relational mess to clean up at the bottom. The longer they’ve stayed on that path before falling, the greater the damage. Very few make it to the top of the hill.

I feel like far too much of youth ministry is spent cleaning up the messes left from dating (the drama, the depression, the gossip, the revenge, people choosing sides, “I’m not coming if he’s here,” etc.) So if you ever sense my hesitation at the news of another dating couple, that’s why. I’ve been conditioned by experience to predict that most will end in grief — and that grief will affect us all.

Criticism alone isn’t useful, so I want to present a positive alternative to dating at the end of this post. But before I do that, let me describe more fully what concerns me about these typical dating relationships.

MY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT DATING.

■ Getting a bf or gf is often driven by feelings, the need for self-acceptance, or social approval.
■ They experience pressure from friends to have a bf or gf in order to fit in.
■ Many students feel they “need” a bf or gf in order to function and their whole sense of well-being revolves around this.
■ They sometimes even experience pressure from parents to have a good looking bf or gf (I wonder if having “datable” kids makes parents feel more successful?)
■ The relationship usually begins with trying to impress the other person and trying to win him or her over, but the real person remains hidden behind a mask.
■ The relationship is formalized by asking the other to “go out” — which is an undefined, temporary pseudo-commitment or contract of sorts. In reality the promise made is basically “I’ll be somewhat loyal to you for now.”
■ This pseudo-commitment necessitates “Defining the Relationship” continually.
■ They rely on words like “I love you” and Facebook statuses and use pet names, flirting, teasing, good looks, and immodesty. These are shallow ways to try to keep the relationship secure.
■ Life is much more stressful, complicated, and dramatic with so much riding on the status of the relationship.
■ The more confident partner often discovers he or she has power and control over the more insecure one. Sometimes this turns into manipulation, with the more vulnerable one pressured to please the other so as not to lose the relationship.
■ The couple often gets preoccupied with the relationship which makes other things suffer (like grades or church).
■ The pursuit of God often takes a backseat to the pursuit of each other.
■ They tend to become a clique of two, isolating themselves from others.
■ Their isolation presents more opportunties for physical temptation and compromise.
■ They pursue intimacy (emotionally physically, and spiritually) without awareness that one type of intimacy often leads to the others.
■ Jealousy often occurs in others who wish to “lay claim” to the bf or gf.
■ It becomes awkward to speak with or enjoy friendships with those of the opposite sex.
■ Old friends frequently become neglected and hurt, having been replaced by the bf or gf.
■ The couple often withdraws from family to spend excessive time together.
■ They often feel a sense of entitlement over the other person’s time, attention, and body.
■ It easily focuses on “getting” rather than “giving”. This is a consumer mindset so common in our culture.
■ Dating costs a lot of time, money, and emotional investment, making it hard to objectively get out if it’s become unhealthy.
■ When one partner habitually pays for the other’s expenses, it creates a sense of “IOU” which can lead to manipulation.
■ Dating couples often live preoccupied with their future and miss enjoying the present.
■ Many dating partners continuously check up on what the other person is doing — which indicates insecurity and control. This smothers the other person and robs them of freedom.
■ Breaking up is hard to do. Many of them experience great heartbreak and sometimes even depression when they break up. Both suffer, but the one who cared the most ends up the most wounded.
■ They often end up with much regret over having invested so much time, emotion, and money in what turned out to be only a temporary relationship.
■ It gets very awkward after a breakup. They don’t know how to relate to their Ex or their Ex’s friends.
■ Friends often take sides after a breakup, causing divisions and wounds which can last for years and destroy unity.
Can dating happen without these pitfalls? Of course. But can anyone deny that these concerns I’ve listed are very very common? No. Overall, the world of teenage dating is a mess! Our youth group has been adversely affected over the years by the fallout of dating-gone-bad as described above. People have even quit coming to church over such things. Do you see why dating makes me a little squeemish?

SO WHAT’S MY ALTERNATIVE? FRIENDATIONSHIP!

Instead of blindly conforming to the world’s custom of dating, what if guys and girls could experience something entirely different — with none of the consequences and almost all of the benefits! I’ve seen a few counter-cultural teenagers over the years who have modeled what I’m about to describe and they’ve earned my respect. There’s never been a name for this kind of relating, so I’m going to use one my friend Erin coined. Let’s call it “Friendationship.”

Friendationship is when a guy and a girl enjoy a healthy friendship without any of the negatives listed above. Like any normal friendship, they spend time getting to know each other. The relationship just happens slowly over time with no pretense. As their natural friendship grows, they find that they enjoy being together and so they naturally spend more time together. Their time together is often spent with others and in groups and with families in a variety of setting (missions trips, etc). They may go on occasional dates (proms, special events, etc.) but these are not the substance of their relational time and they don’t overinflate their importance or obsess over them. They are careful not to avoid time with other friends, in fact their circle of friends actually grows as they get to know the friends of their friend. Their friendship with each other may grow closer or futher apart over time, but this happens naturally and mutually and without a lot of stress or emotional turmoil. Their emotional health never hinges on “where they stand”. It’s impossible for them to “break up” because no “contract” was ever made regarding their status. They don’t need or rely on “I love you’s,” labels (BFF), exchanging of tokens, etc. They don’t need to “define the relationship” much at all except to learn ways to be a better friend to the other. These teens find no shame in their Facebook status of “single” because they fully enjoy living freely rather than enter the world of “it’s complicated”. They purposefully avoid dwelling on thoughts of romantic relationships or marriage, recognizing that those decisions are many years away and can wait. They recognize that they must restrain themselves from getting too close, keeping intimacy at a healthy level. They guard their hearts and work hard to be accountable and to keep their feelings in check, knowing that now is not the time to explore those areas. Their lives revolve around God, not each other. Their pursuit of God exceeds their pursuit of romance. They keep their natural sex drives under control by choosing to avoid pornography, steamy romance novels and sensually-charged entertainment. They patiently trust God to provide for their needs and their future — in His time.

THE OUTCOME OF FRIENDATIONSHIP.

Over time the guy and girl may end up being somewhat distant friends, great friends, or maybe even best friends — all are good options! Friendships just happen and they are to be enjoyed when they do.

After the couple leaves their teen years (for most, not all) and when they know themselves better and have their life direction and financial means figured out, then they can begin focusing on choosing a marriage partner. This is the time to leave the Friendationship Stage and enter the Courtship Stage of life. I suggest that the goal here is to marry the person who has already become your best friend — the one you’ve figured out you want to commit the rest of your life to!

CONCLUSION.

I think seven of the most precarious words in the teenage world are, “Will you go out with me…yes!” Those few words magically and instantly set them upon that precarious path. At that point there are only two possible outcomes of such an arrangement: breaking up (painful) or marriage (unlikely). I think teenagers would be wise to avoid placing themselves in such a vulnerable position and focus on developing healthy Friendationships instead.

That’s my conclusion for you to consider. I’d love to hear your feedback and comments on these radical views of mine!

My experience watching LOST.

Last Sunday was the series finale for LOST and before too much time goes by I want to write my reflections about it.  I must admit that I have been a Lost addict for the past two years, when a friend loaned me the first two seasons on DVD.  After that we Forstroms (minus Cindy) found ourselves utterly captivated.

We don’t have tv service so we’ve watched seasons 3-6 on abc.com.  It became our Wednesday-night-after-youth-group tradition and the girls and I had great times together watching it together.  We enjoyed trying to figure out the unexplained mysteries and found the character development extremely interesting.  There seemed to be a lot of religious and mythological symbolism, which made us curious about where the show was heading.

THINGS I’M GLAD ABOUT.

• Experiencing this with my girls.  It was like a weekly “Daddy Date” and it gave us a lot of time together and ongoing conversations about where the storyline was going.  I’ll never regret the time spent with them.  We’d stay up as late as we needed to to have our weekly LOST experience together.  Homework always took a back seat to LOST!
• I was captivated by the complexity of the storytelling, the beautiful scenery, the haunting musical score, the compelling characters, and the intrigue of the mysterious storyline. 
• I thoroughly enjoyed having conversations about it with other friends and co-workers who were likewise addicted to the show.  It was a lot of fun trying to figure out what this-or-that meant or where that came from, or what ever happened to so-and-so. 
• There was so much to remember and try to unwravel.  Right to the end we kept wondering who were the good guys and who were the bad guys and who was behind it all. That made it especially intriguing and fun.

THE FINALE

Part of the weekly enjoyment of the mystery was my assumption that — in the end — the mysteries would be explainable and have meaning.  I was somewhat disappointed to find that the finale left many of the questions unanswered (which I somewhat expected, since there were so many loose ends).  But my real disappointment was to discover that many of the show’s unexplained mysteries were irrelevant in the end anyways.  It didn’t really matter who the good and bad guys were.  It didn’t really matter who died, who’s name was on the wall, who took over Jacob’s job as the “island keeper”, who travelled through time, who destroyed the submarine, who escaped on the airplane, who stayed behind, whether the island sank or time-shifted, who lived-together or died-alone, who pushed a button every 108 minutes, who bought a fried chicken franchise, who rode in a wheelchair, etc.   Not much of what happened during the 121 episodes seemed to matter much in the end.  At the end of the finale all the characters mysteriously converged together in some alternate-reality in an ecumenical churchlike building and they were all at peace.  In the end the only relevant thing seemed to be how they had bonded with each other during their experiences.   This existentialist ending left me feeling strung along or duped.  I felt unsatisfied.

The ending also made me wonder about some things.

THINGS I’M QUESTIONING. 

• Whether I would have watched the show had I known the mysteries were going to be largely unanswered and irrelevant anyways.
• If spending 100 hours watching Lost was good stewardship of my time.  
• If I became desensitized to the depictions of sin in the show (language, immorality, torture, murder, etc.), justifying them because I thought the show would end with a beneficial “moral to the story.”
• Whether my passion for LOST was at times greater than my passion for God.  Beyond the 100 hours of the show I certainly spend many more hours contemplating Lost’s mysteries and talking about it.
• What is it about LOST that appealed to me so much and kept me so hooked?  Was it the quest for the mysteries’ answers (which mostly never came anyways)?  Was it the character development (which actually worked backwards so that in the end everyone’s characters melded into emotionless melancholy in some alternate-reality world)?
• If I’d have known the ending at the beginning would I have been so captivated by it?

Will I spend another hundred hours and watch the whole series again?  This one I can answer:  No.

For youth group parents: Why you can’t afford to not send your upperclassmen to Summit.

Hello Parents of Juniors and Seniors:

As a fellow parent of an upperclassmen I’m putting a lot of thought into the college choices of my child. Like me, you’re probably thinking of which college to attend, scholarships, and wondering how much you’ll be kicking in to help pay for college tuition and expenses.

From my 17 years at New Covenant, I know that college is a time when many kids end up abandoning their faith. Because of this, I’m writing to impress upon you the importance of the Summit conference which we support each summer. We encourage all of our students to attend Summit before entering college as a way to implement “Faith Insurance.” We offer subsidies and scholarships (and transportation to one of the sessions) because we think it’s so important. Contact me or Gina Kaufman for our Summit packet.

Below you’ll find a link to a letter by Dr. Jeff Meyers that explains the need for such a conference.

I hope you’ll consider encouraging your son or daughter to attend Summit and that you are willing to help financially. In doing so you’ll be making an investment in their faith and not merely in their education. That’s why Cindy and I are sending Brenda this summer.

If you have any questions, I’d love to discuss this with any of you.

Thanks,

Mark

Read Dr. Meyers’ important letter here.

The Importance of Showing Affection

This past week, my daughter Lexi somehow discovered “The Brady Bunch” on YouTube. She’s become quite addicted really and so have we all — it’s wonderfully clean, wholesome, and refreshing entertainment compared to what is so often dished out by Hollywood today.

Watching the Bradys is like a time warp to my childhood — in fact, I was about my girls’ age when I used to watch it every day after school. (I admit, I crushed on Marcia.) It’s been a delight to revisit these shows, laughing with my girls and talking about the relative simplicity of life in the 70s.

One thing that stands out about the Bradys is the level of affection shown by Mike and Carol. It’s obvious that they are in love, nuzzling and flirting all the time — even in front of the kids. But nobody blushes — in fact the kids relish their parents’ mutual delight nearly as much as Mike and Carol do. It’s almost as if the affection of their parents adds to the well-being and security of their home.

Which is exactly the point I wish to make.

Today, we live in a world where marriage is breaking down before our eyes. We might blame the gays or the liberals or the government for the legal redefinition of marriage, but I think that perhaps our greatest obstacle is the definition of marriage which the kids are subtly being taught every day.

Think of the messages they get from television and movies: sensual delight is found primarily outside of marriage and marriage will limit your options — almost like going to prison. Married people have to “settle down” and stop having fun. Bachelor parties have become like the Mardi Gras before the dreaded season of Lent. No wonder kids today don’t value marriage!

I believe that Christian parents can add to the problem. Do we who are married show our kids that marriage is a delight or do they see it as more of a contractual arrangement where the parents simply co-exist?

Why do we withhold the public display of affection to our spouses? I can think of three reasons.

First. Is it in hopes that our kids won’t think about sex? Too late, they already do! God has given them massive amounts of hormones and they’re trying to figure out what they’re for. We’ve got to show them that the proper context for drives, affections and sensuality is in marriage — otherwise they’ll begin to seek the fulfillment of these things in all the wrong places.

Second. Is it because showing affection is out of our comfort zone? I realize that your background, personality, circumstances etc. affect your comfortability with showing affection, but I suggest that nevertheless it must be shown. It may take getting used to and you may observe some eye-rolling at first, but it will impact your family for the better. My kids have gotten used to us snuggling on the couch; they see us holding hands; they catch my cheesy pick up lines some nights before bedtime; and they hear me tease about wanting a “transparent shower curtain” for my birthday. They chide me for this last one of course, but through it all they learn that their parents’ love is secure, which makes the whole family feel secure. And in the process, they learn what marriage is meant to be, hopefully wanting that for themselves one day.

Third. Is it because we honestly don’t have any affection for our spouse? If this is the case then the best thing you can do for your kids is sprint directly into marriage counseling. Affection isn’t negotiable. It’s not the icing on the cake of marriage it is the cake itself. Marriage is ALL about the quality of the relationship. As far as it depends on you, do whatever is possible to get help with your marriage. I would be glad to chat with any of you about how to get help in this area.

Guilt. Lastly, I fear some of you will read this and simply feel guilty because you’re not able to model a healthy, affectionate marriage to your kids. Perhaps you’re a single parent or you’re stuck in a marriage where — due to circumstances beyond your control — affection is simply not going to be a reality. I want you to know that God is big enough to overcome your situation! He’s so good at working in spite of us. Trust Him. Perhaps your kids will see healthy marriages modeled in the lives of youth sponsors and learn from them. (That’s why I require my youth sponsor couples to show PDA in youth group.) Perhaps your unfortunate situation will be used positively to give your kids a thirst for what you yourself long for. God’s not limited by anything. Trust Him.

And for some of you perhaps the first step would be to watch a couple episodes of the Brady Bunch!

I was an idol worshipper in January.

Recently, our church staff has being encouraged to improve our fitness. As an incentive in January, we were challenged to try to increase our fitness times over the previous month, with a contest thrown in — a prize going to the person with the most minutes logged!

Since I’ve fallen in love with fitness again over the past 15 months this was an extra excuse to do what comes naturally. Call me crazy, but there are few things I enjoy more than going to the rec center and running 13 miles or climbing 80 flights of stairs. Maybe it’s a “runner’s high” or something, but cardio fitness has definitely become my drug of choice.

And New Covenant’s fitness contest came at a perfect time — January wasn’t as busy as other months and physically I’ve rarely felt healthier. Each day I logged my fitness minutes and at the end of the month I discovered to my delight that I had logged a whopping total of 1,120 minutes! I had run the equivalent of almost 5 marathons during January! I figured out that it totaled 36 minutes a day average.

I was feeling pretty smug about my accomplishment as well as my chances for winning “the prize” until it suddenly occurred to me how comparatively little time I had spent with God over that same time period. My excitement about and commitment for fitness had far exceeded my excitement and commitment for the Lord. Compared to the 36 minutes a day I spent working out, I wondered how many actual minutes per day I had spent alone with God in prayer and Bible reading. Was it even 10? Not likely.

I was convicted. Isn’t this idolatry? Isn’t this a violation of the first of the Ten Commandments? Isn’t this the sin of the Church in Ephesus in Revelation 2:4 when they left their “first love?” Wouldn’t it be considered a cosmic insult to be bounding out of bed early in the morning to run 6 miles while leaving my Bible on my bedstand? Yes on all accounts.

Because of this realization, I’ve made some immediate changes.

Apologize to God for my neglect of Him last month.

Stop obsessing over physical fitness. It’s good and important, but not THAT important. Certainly the quality of my personal relationship with God is WAY more important than the shape or condition of my body.

Let the contest be for those who really do need incentive for working out. I obviously don’t.

Start logging my quiet time minutes — not to make my walk with God a legalistic chore, but rather to give me a point of comparison between my physical and spiritual fitness. That way I’ll have an objective measurement of how much of my life was devoted to each. Then I will be able to honestly evaluate how I’m doing at putting first things first.