markforstrom.com

My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Category: Marriage (Page 1 of 2)

Oh the Places We Go! (when we feel hurt, frustrated, or upset by people).

November 18, 2024 / / 0 Comments

In my work with people, I’ve observed that there are five places we go when when we are hurt, frustrated, or upset by others.

Three of these places make things worse, but the other two can bring a lot of healing, growth, and resolution.  It’s vitally important to know where each destination leads.

I’ve written about two of the five before, but today, I want to expand my thoughts to include all the ways we might address our frustrations.

Here are the five places we go:

#1 THE WOODSHED.  The first place we might take someone is to the proverbial woodshed.  In bygone days when someone misbehaved, they would be removed from the house and taken out back to the woodshed to receive a “whoopin.'”  The walk to the woodshed was a walk of shame, and whatever happened in there was not going to be pleasant.

When we are hurt or frustrated or upset with someone, it’s easy to take the woodshed approach, giving the person a verbal whoopin’ and calling him or her out for what we feel he or she has done to us.  Yes, we’re being honest, of course, but honesty is not always the best policy.  In the woodshed, we exclusively use “You-statements,” blaming-and-shaming the person who has infuriated us so much.  There is no conversation in the woodshed.

The problem with this approach is that it causes added hurt (in response to hurt) and it doesn’t really accomplish anything, except perhaps the satisfaction of getting even.  It certainly doesn’t result in relational transformation.  When we perceive that someone is taking us to the woodshed, we naturally feel threatened and our natural impulse is to put our shields up, deflecting the incoming verbal missiles.

Physiologically, the amygdala in  our brain senses the imminent danger of the woodshed, shuts down our logical “thinking” brain, and sends us immediately into “fight or flight” mode.   In this frame of mind, we don’t listen, learn, or consider anything.  We will either fight back to survive–saying things we rationally don’t really mean–or we’ll withdraw completely.  Nothing good results from going to the woodshed!

#2.  STUFF, ETC.  We who are less confrontational by nature will often stuff our negative feelings rather than take someone to the woodshed.   We have learned to endure mistreatment silently, believing that the cost of saying something is greater than the cost of remaining quiet.   We may feel too timid to bring up our concerns or we may not feel that we deserve to speak up.

The problem with the Stuff, etc. destination is that unless we’re really good actors, our dissatisfaction will likely be perceptible anyway — maybe not through our words, but certainly through our attitudes, tone, body language, and demeanor.  And even if we were to keep things stuffed for a long while, the pressure-cooker of pent up frustrations will eventually explode, taking us right back to the very place we were trying to avoid all along–the woodshed.  And we know how that goes!

#3.  THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS.  Have you ever been to one of those old-fashioned carnival attractions called The House of Mirrors?   It’s infuriating because it’s like a maze inside–glass walls and mirrors everywhere you look–and you don’t know which way leads toward the exit.  It might seem fun at first, but before long, it can get very frustrating.  As you go along, you bump your face into a lot of glass walls!  Ouch!

This is exactly how some people handle their frustrations with others.  True, they avoid the direct-assault approach of the woodshed and they aren’t stuffing their feelings completely, but this approach fails for different reasons.

Those of us who use the House of Mirrors approach communicate our frustration in ways that are indirect and unclear, dropping not-so-subtle hints about things we don’t like.  Sarcasm is often used to make a point.  Snide comments, little jabs, and “just kidding” jokes all hint at unexpressed dissatisfaction.  Sometimes we play the victim, exuding a “poor me” attitude: “If only my wife would treat me respectfully like so-and-so’s.”   Social media provides us a easy forum for expressing subtle complaints in the third person:  “Why can’t teenagers these days be more respectful?”  And sometimes we keep score, using measurements others don’t know they’re being critiqued on:  “It’s been a whopping 31 days since you gave me a compliment!”

The House of Mirrors approach unfairly leaves the other person confused, insecure, shamed, and devalued–not the things that motivate people to change and grow.  Instead it invites push-back and resistance.

#4.  THE CLASSROOM.  Unlike the three previous destinations, the classroom is a great place to take the person with whom you have frustration.  While the woodshed strikes fear into one’s heart, the classroom is a positive place of learning, growing, discovery, and improving.  In the classroom, we help the person learn what we are feeling and experiencing when we are around him or her.

Here are two important “classroom guidelines:”

First, it’s vitally important to avoid blame and shame in the classroom, so stay focused on what has been going on within you rather than what they’ve been doing wrong.  This is the proper place for using “I-statements,” indeed, it’s very important to avoid “you-statements” all together, lest we risk turning the experiential classroom into a lecture hall.  In my previous essay on the Classroom approach, I gave several examples of recommended phrases, but here’s one example of what you might say:

“I find myself getting defensive when I feel criticized and I don’t like that about myself.  I want to share something with you that I think will help:  it would help me to grow and change if you could try to educate me rather than confront me.  I know that approach works better for me and I know it will draw us closer.  I’d appreciate it so much if you could give it a try.”

In my experience, such a blame-free approach is often effective since the other person doesn’t feel attacked or threatened.  Respectfully expressing your concerns ensures that his or her “thinking brain” will remain at the forefront, where reflection occurs.  (Of course, you can’t guarantee how the other person will react, but in my view, the best chance for change occurs in the classroom.)

Second, don’t take the person to the classroom for every hurt and feeling that you experience.  That would be unreasonable and overwhelming–your whole relationship might seem confined to the classroom!  People need recess time!  Instead, start with one hurt that is either the most significant, or that is reoccurring, or that is easy to solve.  Tackle one at a time and then move on to the next.  You’ll gain confidence and celebrate progress with each lesson learned in the syllabus of life!

So get in the habit of taking the person you’re frustrated with to the classroom instead of the other three places you might go.    But there is one more place I want to mention.

#5.  THE THRONE OF GOD.  I mentioned this place last, not because it’s the least important — it is actually the most.  I first wanted to present the various response options to interpersonal frustration, but now I want to propose that there are many times when it is best to say nothing at all, and simply bring the hurts and frustrations directly to God.

Thankfully, whenever we’re feeling neglected or misunderstood or mistreated, we [Christians] have a God who perfectly understands our situation.  Jesus experienced more injustice, humiliation, and abuse than any of us ever will.

Although He doesn’t promise to spare us from pain, He promises to walk with us through our pain as a fellow-sufferer.  God offers understanding, comfort, and healing when we are suffering.   We are not alone.

Jesus also modeled a supernatural power to love his enemies (including us!) and He can give us that same supernatural strength to rise above whatever mistreatment we may encounter from others, not returning evil for evil, and actually blessing those who have wounded us.  On the rare occasion when we do this, Scripture calls it “a gracious thing in the eyes of God.”  (1 Peter 2:19-24).

19 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

I especially love the phrase “entrusting himself to him who judges justly.”   As often as we are able, let’s give it to God to deal with and get back to loving others the way He loves us.

The Throne of God is also the place for us to go to ask for God’s help in our time of trouble.  We should pray for God to give us wisdom and to soften our hearts toward the ones who hurt us, and we can pray that God would open their hearts as well.  This will accomplish as much as anything.

The summary is this:  take your hurts to God first, and when we do feel the need to say something, let’s be careful to skip the Woodshed, Stuff Etc., and the House of Mirrors, and take them straight to the Classroom!  Oh, the places you’ll go if you do this well!

“I-statements” sometimes backfire.

November 16, 2024 / / 0 Comments

We counselors commonly encourage our clients to use “I-statements” rather than “you-statements.”    I’ve taught this communication skill over the years as an effective way to express feelings while avoiding blaming the other person.  For example, when frustrated, I should talk about how I’m feeling rather than what you’re doing wrong.

But I’ve realized lately that there are times when “I statements” actually cause more harm than good.   In such cases, it’s better to use “you-statements.”

One such time is when making apologies.   I’ve written a lot about apologies over the years, but it was only recently that I realized that I-statements make for poor apologies.  We typically say something like this:

  • I was a jerk.
  • I forgot.
  • I should have been more sensitive.
  • I drank too much.
  • I was a terrible husband.
  • I didn’t control my temper.
  • I didn’t manage my time properly.
  • I didn’t listen like I should have.
  • I’m sorry.

At first glance, it seems that “calling myself out” like this equates to a good apology.   Am I not being humble and contrite?  Am I not taking responsibility for my bad behavior?   Yes, but something crucial is missing in these statements.

What’s missing is you.  Look how self-centered I am in each of the above apology statements.  It’s all about me.  The summary of it all is “Look how bad I am.”   What’s missing is any mention of you–the victim of my mistreatment.

It would be better to center the apology around you.

  • You suffered disrespectful treatment when I was such a jerk to you.
  • You were inconvenienced when I forgot.
  • You were wounded by my insensitivity.
  • You were frightened and made to feel insecure by my alcohol misuse.
  • A wife deserves to be treated better by her husband.
  • Your dignity was insulted when I lost my temper.
  • You felt unheard and unimportant when I didn’t listen to you.
  • You deserve more than a simple “I’m sorry”.

In my counseling office, what I refer to as a “full-orbed apology” contains these six “you-centered” elements:

  1. You were hurt in these specific ways (name them) by what I did.
  2. I feel genuine remorse and am embarrassed by what I did to you.
  3. If there’s any way I can make it up to you I will.
  4. I have learned from this failure of mine what I need to change to care for you better
  5. I commit to treating you better in the future as a result of my failure.
  6. I’m indebted to you, and I hope in time, you will be able to forgive me.

So the next time you fail (and you will!) why not try you-statements instead of I-statements.  My guess is that you’ll find it works much more effectively in repairing the damage you caused.

People are precious

August 26, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I conceptualized this essay 18 months ago, but recent events in our family have shown me that it’s time to flesh out my thoughts.

My view is that people are fundamentally precious.  Genesis declares humans to be made in God’s image, after his likeness.   In Ephesians 2, Paul declares us to be God’s workmanship, a masterpiece.   As a kid in the 70s, I first learned this from a wall hanging in our church’s youth center:  “God don’t make no junk!”

Our culture seems to have forgotten that people are precious.  This is most clearly seen in politics, both by the politicians themselves as well as their ardent followers.   The derogatory things people say about their political opponents simply astounds me.  On both sides of the aisle, rarely is there any semblance of civility and decency toward one’s opponents.  Rather than critique policies that are seen as harmful, political speeches are more often laden with ad hominin attacks on their opponent’s worth.   I always found it ironic when politicians who defended the sanctity of life for the unborn, showed no sanctity toward the life of their full-grown opponents.

And of course, it’s not just politics;  social media is replete with vile, derogatory comments toward disabled people, minorities, non-minorities, and pretty much any people category that can be named.  Iowa’s record-breaking women’s basketball star is praised by many, but also relentlessly criticized and made sport of (pun intended).   Our outrage culture encourages derogatory treatment of anyone who is different than me.

A neighbor once introduced his kids to me as his “brats,” right in front of them.  He didn’t even give their names until I asked.  Those kids will likely live up to the expectations of their dad’s self-fulfilling prophecy.   How different this is from Psalm 127:3-5, which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

Sadly, kids are often seen not as precious, but as problems — and America’s declining birth rate reflects this view.  Many people simply don’t want to be bothered with children.  Today, I just watched the movie “The Forge,” which is about a lazy teenager, Isaiah, who learned responsibility after adults showed him the folly of his ways.  But what I found troubling was that throughout the movie, Isaiah was treated as a problem child that needed reforming rather than as a precious person worth understanding and getting to know.

If there’s any place where a person should be seen as precious, it should be within the family.  Yet sometimes this is where it’s most difficult.  I do a lot of marriage and family counseling and this loss of preciousness is often at the core of family problems.  I wrote recently that spouses can adopt “villainous views”” of each other, forgetting the preciousness they saw on their wedding day.

And lest you think I’m only calling out others, despite my convictions I don’t always treat everyone as precious.  I was recently humbled about this very thing;  a former youth group parent called me out for ignoring and devaluing her son over thirty years ago.  She was right about my neglectful treatment.  I was very embarrassed to be told this, but was glad for the opportunity to confess my sin to her.  And it was a sobering reminder of how all of us can forget the preciousness of people and how hurtful that can be.

So what will help us improve our treatment of people?  Here are five things that may help.

  1. Straighten out your thinking.  Are there people in your life that you’ve come to view as problems rather than as precious?  Forsake that mindset.  As a counselor I see dozens of hurting people every week, and when they walk in my office door, I aim to view them as precious and treat them that way.  It is not a diagnosis that is walking in my door, it is fundamentally a precious person.
  2. Separate behavior from personhood.  To say that people are precious is not to say that people are always likeable and well-behaved.  Being precious doesn’t mean being faultless.  Scripture declares that when Adam fell, we all acquired a sin nature;  the image of God in us has been tainted.   But we can address bad behaviors while simultaneously treating the person as valuable.  My neighbor would do well to avoid labeling his ill-behaved children by their bad behavior.  Calling your kid a “lazy good-for-nothing” will likely 1. push him away from you, 2. reinforce these bad behavioral expectations, and 3. cause long-term damage to your child’s self-concept.  Calling out bad behaviors and choices can be accomplished while still affirming their preciousness.
  3. Serving badly behaving people helps people feel precious.  I love the recorded historical account of the early church father named, Polycarp.   When he was 86 years old, the Roman guards came to his house late at night to haul him off for execution (burning at the stake).  But before going with them, “he gave orders that a table should be spread for them to eat and drink at that hour, as much as they desired.”  What dignity he showed even to those who were sent to kill him!
  4. Treating people as precious is the best way to get them to act precious.  From a practical standpoint, if we want people to behave better, treating them as precious is more likely to produce change than treating them as villains.
  5. Sometimes we don’t think about how precious people are until they are gone.  That’s certainly how I feel about my 16-year-old niece Audrey, who lately has been prone to run away.   I wish she could see how precious she is to her family, friends, and most of all, to God.  This post was a good reminder to me that I need to work on always treating her as precious no matter what she does.  I miss you Audrey!

Two of my favorite words

May 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Communication is an essential ingredient to healthy relationships.  Today, I want to share two powerful words I added to my vocabulary decades ago that have kept my relationships healthy.  I hope these two words will help you too.

But first, one word NOT to use.

When we use the word why with others it almost always backfires, resulting, not in connection, but rather in defensiveness, pushback, and negative interactions.

  • Billy, why are you always so disrespectful to me?
  • Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
  • Jake, why do you refuse to come right home after work?

There are at least two reasons to avoid why:

  • We often use why as an attack and not as an honest question.  You can see this in the illustrations above.  We might not be asking a real question–which is disingenuous–but instead might be declaring our conclusions, having already made assumptions about what’s going on.
  • For many of us, the word why is a “trigger word,” instantly making us feel we are under interrogation.   Interrogation puts us in fight-or-flight mode and naturally makes us defensive.  Why makes us feel like we’re on trial and being in the courtroom makes us anxious about being punished.  And we’ll do just about anything to avoid punishment.

To avoid creating such a scenario, I suggest replacing why with two powerful words that I learned decades ago:  observe and curious.    Here’s how they would have worked in the above illustrations.

  • Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to help around the house.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way.
  • Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m interested to know what is causing you to treat him that way.
  • Jake, I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming home later and later.  I’m curious to understand what might be making you so slow about coming home after work.

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.

Observe and curious (or their equivalents) are not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding; they take us to the classroom, not the courtroom.  When someone notices me and is curious about what’s going on with me I feel honored, not threatened.

OBSERVE simply states the facts we’ve perceived (without judgment).

CURIOUS  shows our interest in understanding the other person.

Avoiding why and using these other words forces us to be honoring rather than suspicious.  We’re suspending judgment, giving benefit of the doubt, gathering perspective, and demonstrating teachability.  It shows that we’re interested in knowing the other person more than accusing them, condemning them, shaming them, or manipulating them.  These words force us to delay judgment until after we’ve gained understanding first.  They help build relational bridges of connection rather than walls of opposition.

In short, your life will be changed by replacing why with observe and curious.

Do I observe some skepticism about that?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying!

 

[Note: in case you’re curious, this is a revision of a post I wrote back in 2007, and I’m as committed as ever to these powerful words!]

Something Special for Mark

March 3, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Our life improved when we got rid of the paper grocery list on our refrigerator and instead started sharing an online *Google Doc that we always can access from our phones.  That way, when either of us might happen to be near a store, we’ll know what current things could be picked up there.  On one simple page, we have running lists for things to get at Aldi, Walmart, Hy-Vee, the Dollar Tree, Menards, etc.  Once purchased, we delete the items so the other spouse knows the items were obtained.

This has been such a blessing, preventing us from 1) being in a store trying to remember what it was that we had written down and 2) keeping us from each buying the same thing unknowingly.

One day, just as a joke, I wrote “Something Special for Mark” on the Aldi section of the list.  Always good at following directions, Cindy added to her 25-cent “rented”  cart some little treat she knew I’d enjoy.  Even though it was intended as a joke, I was surprised at how much her thoughtfulness meant to me

And I noticed something else.  Unlike the other items purchased that day, Cindy hadn’t deleted my joke from the shopping list.  Almost automatically, I quickly added “Something Special for Cindy” on the list.   And now, months later, those are the only two items that perpetually remain on our shopping list.  Now, when either of us goes to the store, we instinctively look for something thoughtful that we know the other would enjoy.

It’s just a small thing, but it makes a big difference.   A little thoughtfulness goes a long way!  I recommend you put a surprise for your spouse on your shopping list!

 

(*I’m sure there are shopping list apps that do the same thing as our Google Doc without having to type and erase so much.  If you have any recommendations, please put them in the comments!)

Critical Spouse Theory

February 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

My wife, Cindy, and I were talking recently about obstacles to healthy marriages. One of the things we have observed happening in marriages today is the tendency to frame marriage problems using an Oppressed / Oppressor perspective.  Cindy brilliantly coined a phrase for this which I want to elaborate on today:  “Critical Spouse Theory.”

In this view, I am the Oppressed and my spouse is my Oppressor.   This approach is destructive to marriages on several levels.

First.  Both parties will inevitably declare themselves to be “the Oppressed.”  In a world where marriage is seen primarily as a means to one’s own personal happiness and fulfillment this resonates well.  Anything that blocks one’s personal fulfillment is obviously oppression!

As I said, both the husband and the wife will consider that they are the Oppressed and their spouse is the Oppressor–and they’ll have plenty of support to back their claims;  if they hop on TikToc or YouTube, they’ll find hundreds of ex-wives or ex-husbands, reinforcing this view that they don’t need to put up with such oppression from their spouse.

Second.  This way of looking at my spouse is overly simplistic.  It lumps her into the general category of Oppressor, discounting any of her good qualities.  In this worldview, there is no such thing as “partial oppression”–it’s an all-or-nothing approach.   I cannot see any of the good because I’m focusing only on the bad.

Third.  Once I apply this negative label of “My Oppressor,” I no longer look at my spouse as the precious person I fell in love with, but now I see her as my enemy.   This identity distortion will spoil every interaction between us.  I’m not talking to a decent human being so neither do I have to behave like one.

Fourth.  I develop the belief that Oppressors can’t change.  They can’t improve.  They’re not safe to be around.  I need only to protect myself.

Fifth.   This perspective, therefore, absolves me of responsibility.   The Oppressed gets a pass on moral culpability.  I hear this all the time in the counseling office.  “I don’t have to treat him decently until he stops Oppressing me.”  And of course, the culture will reinforce this.  The Oppressor is only capable of evil and the Oppressed is exempt from moral critique.

Sixth.   Things are unlikely to change for the better.  With this mindset, the only way for my oppression to end is for me to keep away from my Oppressor.  Divorce is the likely outcome.

Seventh.  Critical Spouse Theory doesn’t offer any hope for a healthy marriage.

Avoiding the Critical Spouse Theory worldview

Most of the essays I write on Christian marriage are the antidote to Critical Spouse Theory.   Here’s some links to several of them.

1.   We must recognize that Christian marriage must never be primarily about personal happiness and self fulfillment.  That is a consumer-based, commodifying basis of marriage.  A Christian marriage is not a contract, but rather a covenant.  Marriage isn’t a perpetual honeymoon, but it is rather a crucible for character-building, where we learn to be like Christ in how we relate in the most intimate of human relationships.   Marriage ought to be the context where we learn to love, serve, forgive, and grow toward one another, teaming up to provide a stable context for child-rearing.

2.  We must recognize that all of us are a mix of Oppressor and Oppressed.   It’s rarely one sided.  Our marital love fails.   We all hurt the ones we love.  We all fail to fully keep the wedding vows we made.

3.  We would do well to focus on our side of the equation–becoming less of an Oppressor.  Take responsibility for what you need to change about you. We must focus less on the other person’s faults.  Jesus taught to take the log out of our own eye before obsessing over the speck in someone else’s.

4.  We must get rid of the 50-50 mindset.  I’ll automatically see myself as the Oppressed when I think that I’m unfairly getting less than my fair share.

5.  We must remember that we don’t get a pass on loving our spouse even when we may feel Oppressed.

6. We remember that people can change, and we must give them that opportunity.  We should extend to others the same opportunity for growth and change that we would want ourselves.  To declare that someone can’t change is to deny God’s ability to transform a sinner into a saint.

 

One final word.  I’m not saying there aren’t actual cases of abuse in marriage–there are!  If you are in physical danger, call 911.  If your children are being abused, take them and get out.  Implement whatever boundaries are needed.  Yes, there are exceptional cases of abuse, but they are exactly that–exceptional.  Most of us just need to learn how to better respond to the ordinary challenges of marriage.

Not getting divorced doesn’t mean your kids aren’t being raised in a broken home

October 20, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve met many Christians who are determined to never get a divorce due to their biblical convictions, but I find the goal of simply not getting divorced to be extremely short-sighted.  I’m not here to make a case for or against divorce, but my point here is that there are many seemingly “intact” marriages that are so unhealthy that their kids can only be described as growing up in a broken home.

Kids thrive best in a stable, loving, secure home with a mom and a dad who love them and love each other.   A mentor of mine said decades ago that the best gift you can give your kids is to display love for your spouse.  I agree.

Here are two scenarios that in my view constitute a broken marriage.

Lack of Affection.  Over a decade ago, I wrote about the importance of affection in marriage.  My views haven’t changed.  Most marriages begin with affection, but many couples lose it along the way.  Do we who are married show our kids that marriage is a delight or do they see ours as a loveless, contractual arrangement where we parents simply co-exist?  If our wedding vows have morphed into “I will tolerate you ’till death do us part,” what would compel our kids to ever want to make wedding vows at all?   So many couples function as roommates rather than lovers, which falls short of God’s design for marriage (e.g., Song of Solomon).  Plus, affectionless marriages naturally cause worry that affection may be sought outside the marriage, raising insecurities for the whole family.  The stakes are high.  If you are in a loveless marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling to recover that affection!  How healing it would be for your kids to witness the rekindling of your affection.

Adversarial Relationship.  The concerns expressed above rise exponentially when parents display an adversarial relationship toward one other.   Parents, to whom kids look to instill safety, stability, and security in the home, instead instill fears and insecurities when they yell, swear, insult, criticize, get defensive, withdraw, or show contempt toward their spouse in front of the kids.  Do you know that parents are by far the greatest influence on their children?  That’s why when parents model destructive ways of interacting with others, kids often follow their example.  And all this hostility in the home makes it more likely these kids will develop chronic fear, depression, and anxiety disorders.  The stakes are high.  If you are in an adversarial marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling.   Let your kids have a front-row seat as you repent and repair your marriage, being transformed from adversaries to allies.

In summary, simply avoiding divorce is not sufficient.  If your unhealthy marriage is harming you and your kids, take the step to get marriage counseling.  If you live in Iowa, I have a great place to recommend!  My colleagues and I would love to help you!

Complaining more may improve your relationships

September 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

My in-laws will never forget the day–years ago–when I suddenly stood up after a big family gathering and declared to everyone, “You people do something I don’t like!”  Even I was shocked that I had said such a thing!  We had just finished our meal and I had been unexpectedly triggered by something.  There was no going back now, so  I continued my complaint, “I don’t like it when you Hooblers stack the dirty plates after a meal because then I have to wash both sides of every plate!  That causes me extra work, which I don’t like!”

We had the Hooblers over for dinner again today, and, as they were handing me their plates one at a time, they once again recalled my dramatic outburst that day so long ago.  We laugh about it every time!

Complaining improved my relationship with my in-laws!

But what if I had used Criticism instead of a Complaint?  Aren’t they about the same?  Not at all.  I find it helpful to make a clear distinction between Complaints and Criticisms.

Complaints are honest expressions of things we wish were different.  They primarily utilize “I” statements and their intent is simply to create awareness about what would improve things for me.  The focus is education.

Criticisms, in contrast, are harsh judgments of a person’s character.  They primarily contain “you” statements and they often utilize excessive negativity, sarcasm, and loaded questions.  Their intent is character assassination, revenge, and vindication/victimization.  Criticisms point out a person’s faults, make assumptions about motives, and frequently use the words “always” and “never.”   They often resort to blaming and shaming, finger-pointing, and scapegoating

What if I had utilized Criticism instead of Complaint at the dinner table with the Hooblers?  Imagine what different result would have occurred had I had suddenly stood up after dinner and said this:

“You people really love making my life harder, don’t you?  You’re always trying to make more work for me and you don’t even care about the fact that now I’m going to have to put in twice as much work to clean up your messes.  You never think about anyone but yourselves do you?”  Well, I’m sick and tired of you coming over here and treating me like your slave. ”

I can guarantee there would have been no laughter today had I approached them back then with harsh Criticism.  Hurt and emotional distance? Likely.  Laughter?  Not a chance.

To be fair, it’s worth noting that as far as the dishes go, using either a Complaint or a Criticism will likely produce the same result.  A Complaint would sensitize relatives on how they can be a blessing to the host.   A Criticism might keep in-laws from ever coming over for dinner again!

[Side note.  If Criticism has been the pattern in your relationship, it’s likely that your genuine Complaint may be interpreted as a Criticism.  This is because you have conditioned the other person to brace for impact.   In that case, you will have to add extra sweetness to your Complaint to make your motives clear and to avoid misinterpretation.  You’ll need to go out of your way to include positivity, prior to your Complaint, saying: “I love you so much and I want to share something with you that I think will help us get closer.”]

Finally, there is a third option when frustrations arise:  Concealing our feelings.

Like Criticism, Concealing feelings is another poor option.  Stuffing our feelings and pretending we’re not bothered by something may seem charitable, but it’s also dishonest;  it denies reality and erodes transparency.   Wearing masks brings neither closeness nor connection.  It is much better to disclose our true feelings, which demonstrates self-respect as well as respect for others–those we care about deserve to know how their actions affect us!

So let’s neither Conceal our frustrations nor Criticize others.  Instead, let’s  Complain more for healthier relationships!

I credit learning the difference between a Complaint and a Criticism from a book by Dr. John Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” an excellent marriage book that I recommend for couples.   How we speak to each other makes a world of difference if we want to have healthy relationships.  

Scrapping the Honey-Do List

March 14, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Recently I did something that has made my life much more enjoyable.  I scrapped Cindy’s Honey-Do List–permanently!   Since getting rid of it, my life has improved considerably.

For you singles reading this who may someday get married, let me explain what I’m talking about.  A Honey-Do List is a list that your spouse will make for you and leave in a prominent place for you to see.

Usually, the list will contain household projects or chores that you won’t care about whatsoever (otherwise you would have already done those things and there would be no need for a list.)   To you, most of the things on your list will seem needless, irrational, frivolous, or a waste of time and energy.   Your spouse has likely gotten tired of nagging you about these things and is hoping that putting them in list form will motivate you to action.  This will rarely occur.   And if you ever do accomplish the projects on your list, you will likely do them with much grumbling and eye-rolling.

Except for the nagging part (Cindy doesn’t nag), that’s how it’s been with me for the past 37 years of marriage.  That changed a few months ago when I discovered an easy way to scrap Cindy’s Honey-Do List and be free from its burdens.   Why didn’t I think of this sooner!

Before I scrapped them, Cindy’s Honey-Do Lists would often contain things that I considered to be a total waste of time.  Things like:

  • Paint the deck where the old paint is peeling.
  • Rake the unsightly leaves from the yard.
  • Put covers over the air conditioner unit and grill.
  • Shovel the 8 inches of snow off the driveway so the ladies’ group can get to our front door.
  • Unreasonable stuff like that

As you can see, pretty much everything on Cindy’s list was totally ridiculous.  Surely,  you can sympathize with my reluctance to comply with such frivolous tasks and can understand my incessant eye-rolling about such matters!

So how did I shake free from this oppression?  Let me tell you the story.

Late last fall another ridiculous item appeared on Cindy’s Honey-Do List–Check the gutters for leaves.   In Cindy’s “irrational” way of thinking, leaves could blow on the roof, get washed into the gutters, and clog the gutters, causing water to stop flowing down the gutters, turning to ice in the gutters, causing ice dams to form, causing water to leak through the shingles and into our house, causing untold damage and destruction.  As I said, ridiculous!

As usual, I protested in my head, appealing to logic and common sense as my reason to resist.  The tree in the front doesn’t have that many leaves and it doesn’t even hang over the roof.  We’ve never had ice dam problems in the 33 years we’ve lived here.  The risk of me falling off a ladder far surpasses the risk of having our house destroyed by a theoretical ice dam.   It’s cold outside.  And on and on my mind went, looking for any way to opt-out.

And that’s the moment when I had my epiphany about completely scrapping Cindy’s Honey-Do List.

This profound thought hit me.  What if reframed Cindy’s list from…

Things That Need to Be Done  (which, of course, we will disagree on and which I will stubbornly resist)

and instead, think of it as a list of…

Things That Would Mean A Lot To Cindy  (which no one can disagree with and which I actually find motivating)

This new viewpoint literally made a world of difference for my attitude.  I literally rushed to the garage, grabbed the ladder, set up the ladder, climbed the ladder (putting my life at risk by the way), and looked up and down the gutters (confirming my prediction that there were no leaves).  And then I climbed down and put the ladder away, and rushed inside to announce to Cindy, “Honey, you’ll be so relieved to know that there are no leaves in the gutter to be concerned about.”

Loved wife.  Big kiss.   Happy home.

What made the difference?  When I looked at her list as a list of things that need doing, it was hard to avoid questioning whether those things were actually needed or not.  It caused contention about who’s opinion was more correct and whether the things were truly needed.  It set us up for a tug of war battle.   But when I looked her list as being  measurable ways to show her love everything changed.  It was akin to identifying Cindy’s extra love languages.

Ever since that day, we’ve scrapped the Honey-Do List at our house.  The new list is on my dining room table as I write this.   At the top, it reads:  “List of Things That Would Mean A Lot To Cindy.”   I think I’ll quit blogging now and go find something to check off!

Make a list of what you love about your spouse.

January 24, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Yesterday, I uncharacteristically focused on the negative. So today, I want to make up for that by going positive!

Here’s today’s assignment: Make a list of 50 things you especially love about your spouse—things you appreciate so much.  (This may take longer than yesterday’s assignment because it’s so easy to focus on what we don’t like.  It’s easy to fixate on the stubbed toe and forget the other nine toes that work perfectly well.)

Go ahead and do it now before continuing to read my post. I will too.

 

[Pause here until finished.]

 

How long did it take you to come up with 50?  Did it surprise you how easy or hard it was to come up with this list?  Did it take more time than yesterday’s list of negatives?

(By the way, unlike yesterday’s list, I recommend you DO show this list to your spouse!  It would be a blessing to you both!  Perhaps you could “pretty it up” and present it to your spouse as part of a Valentine’s Day gift!)

Now at the top of your list, I want you to add the words, “NOT BECAUSE.”  This is your NOT BECAUSE LIST.

In yesterday’s post, I talked about how agape love is an essential component in a uniquely Christian marriage.  It’s the kind of love that the Bible portrays as being unconditional.

On the list I just made about Cindy, I came up with 50 qualities that I love about her.  But please note that this use of the word “love” is not agape love, it’s more akin to “like.”  I like those things about Cindy—a lot!  But if I want to incorporate genuine agape love in my marriage to Cindy, I’ll need to show love to her…not because.

Likewise, you also need to show unconditional love to your spouse not because your spouse provides… [insert all 50 of your compliments here].  The question I want you to consider is this: if none of your spouse’s good qualities existed, would you still agape love him or her?

I’m suggesting that our loving treatment must be completely unrelated to our spouse’s current wonderfulness.  Here’s why:  most of the things we enjoy today will likely go away.  Our bodies will increasingly become older, and uglier, and eventually may even become disabled.  Our minds may not stay as sharp and may deteriorate altogether.  We may lose our abilities and capabilities.  We won’t have the energy we once had.  Our strength and stamina will likely lessen.  Our productivity will decrease and may disappear altogether.

In a Christian marriage, we pledge to love purely and unconditionally till death do us part.  If my grandfather’s love had depended on my grandmother retaining her wonderful qualities, he would have left her eighteen years earlier rather than love her until she died.  His love was not because of her loveliness, which was fading.  His love toward her was agape love.

Why must we love our spouse this way?  I can think of two reasons:

First, the Bible commands that marital love should mirror Jesus’s love.  We are to love just as He loved. This not because type of love is the kind of love Jesus showed us.  He loved us not because we qualified—in fact, we could never qualify.  His love had nothing to do with our qualities.  He was choosing to love us without conditions.  We should unconditionally love our spouse in the same way.

The other reason is the Golden Rule, which Jesus taught in Matthew 7:12.  Imagine if it was your wonderfulness that faded (and it will), wouldn’t you want your spouse to keep loving you as my grandfather did?   Therefore, we should treat our spouses the same way.

I’ve taken these last two posts to define two facets of agape love, which are really two sides of the same coin.

Nothing we might do will make him love us less  (the even though  aspect of agape love).

Nothing we might do will make him love us more  (the not because  aspect of agape love).

Let’s make that true in our own marriages!

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