Category: Counseling Topics (Page 1 of 5)

It would mean a lot if you could say that very thing.

April 12, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

When you’d like help from someone, the approach you take makes a big difference. First, let me share some approaches that I find don’t work so well.

OPTION 1. Telling someone what “needs to be done.” This is an invitation for push back. It takes an authoritative stance and may even seem condescending. If someone tells me the garage needs cleaning or the carpet needs shampooing, it’s an open invitation for me to disagree. Such “needs language” shifts the attention onto whether or not this is technically a need, and even if it is important, it might not rank very high on my priority list. The likely result of Option 1 will be either debate or dismissal, something I wrote about when I scrapped Cindy’s Honey-Do List.

OPTION 2. Telling someone what “you want them to do.” This approach successfully avoids the “needs” debate. It’s straightforward, and feels slightly more personal than Option 1, but if you tell people too often what you want them to do for you, they may start to view you as demanding or controlling. Even if you lead with a “please,” it may still feel like a veiled command, which will still seem controlling.

OPTION 3. Guilt someone into doing something for you. Some people are good at keeping score as a way to get action, reminding the other person of all that you have done for them and how much they owe you. Or they might appeal to their rank or position: “How could you not help out your poor old mother?” Neither approach works: the other person will rightly view this as covert manipulation and be disinclined to help.

So if those approaches don’t work, what’s a better way to get someone to help?

A BETTER OPTION

I’ve been discovering the value of using the following phrase,

“It would mean a lot to me if you could…”

Let me break it down, starting at the end of my recommended phrase.

Ending it with “if you could” is important because it makes the request neither presumptuous nor imperative. It feels respectful of the other person’s free will and autonomy. (In contrast, using “If you would” seems to question the other person’s willingness and using “you should” brings us back to that condescending “needs language.”) Saying “if you could” also reminds us that the matter at hand is merely a want and not a need.

But the real value of the phrase is the first part. “It would mean a lot to me if…” This is heart language! A request made this way goes beyond the action desired and gets right to the heart — the meaning behind the action.

As we learned in discussing the Love Languages, people in healthy relationships know how to deliver meaningful things to one another. Letting others know what we find meaningful is a gift to them, giving them the joy of doing something worthwhile.

So I encourage you to give my phrase a try. I’ll bet it would mean a lot to others if you did!

Disclaimer: Of course, all of this presumes you’re relating with someone who actually cares about your heart. If they don’t, then sadly, your only option to get help from them may be to use one of the three Options above. We can’t control how others behave, we are responsible only for ourselves. Yet, even when the relationship is not 50-50, I encourage you to be the bigger person and seek to do things that are meaningful to them.

You’re Not That Special!

February 27, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

If you were to come to my counseling office as a client, there’s a good chance at some point you would hear me tell you, “You’re not that special!” Wait…what?

It doesn’t sound like something a good counselor would say. I mean, in today’s modern therapeutic world, aren’t counselors supposed to make people feel encouraged, confident, and exceptional?

It also doesn’t sound like something Mark Forstrom would say–after all, wasn’t I the one who wrote recently about how people are precious? Insulting people isn’t something people would expect from me.

So why do I say this to most of my counselees? I say it when I perceive either of these conditions:

1. They can’t forgive themselves.

Some people are so ashamed of what they’ve done that they have put themselves in a category of “unforgiveable.” They think God can forgive everyone else on the planet, but somehow they view their sins as too big. Perhaps this viewpoint stems from how disappointed they feel about what they did. Perhaps they were raised in a shame-based family. Perhaps they struggle with pride and their failures have shattered their self-perception. Whatever the cause, they all need to learn that they all belong to the same race of sinful humans that Christ died to save. God so loved “the world” –and unless you live on another planet, that surely includes you! You’re not in a different class–you’re not that special!

On a related note, it’s important to realize that God loves people not because any of us are inherently special, rather he loves in spite of us. God chose Israel not because they were greater or more righteous than the other nations–they were not. He chose them simply because He chose to do so. And He does that with us as well. He doesn’t choose the qualified; he qualifies His chosen. That should erase any notion that God’s willingness to forgive depends on our worthiness. We’re all equally unworthy. Election is unconditional. Salvation is a gift, not an accomplishment.

2. They don’t know they’re actually normal.

Some people need to hear they’re not that special if their situation simply corresponds to the predictable laws of fallen humanity.

For example, when someone feels verbally attacked and then either shuts down or gets defensive, we shouldn’t be surprised–we all do that when someone takes us to the Woodshed! When someone feels numb for a period of time after a loss, they don’t need to beat themselves up for it–they just need to realize they’re simply going through predictable stages of grief. When teenagers view mom and dad as clueless, that’s not exceptional, that’s just what a lot of teenagers naturally do during their transition from dependent childhood to independent adulthood. [Take heart, those same parents will be regarded as brilliant before long!]

If you suffer from post-partum depression, you’re not that special, you’re simply struggling with something predictable that many new moms deal with. If you struggle with anxiety, you’re not crazy; a ton of people you see today are going through the very same thing. If you struggle with inappropriate sexual, lustful thoughts, guess what? So does just about everyone you’ve ever met!

Those things still need addressing, but it’s important to know that you’re not alone in your struggles. You’re simply a broken human living in a broken world. You’re not that special.

On a related note, social media is a huge obstacle to accurate self-perception. Everyone portrays their “perfect” lives online and we can’t help but compare our lives of struggle to the “wonderful” lives of others. This makes us feel inferior, deficient, and abnormal–we feel like we’re the only ones with problems.

Two things would help:

Radically limit your indulgence in social media. Studies consistently prove that there is a direct correlation between the amount of time a person spends on social media and anxiety, depression, mental illness, stress, insomnia, etc. Setting down your phone might be your best form of self-care.
Let’s be honest. We need to interact with others much more transparently. Let’s find trusted people that we can be real with. Let’s take off the masks, sharing our burdens, disclosing our struggles, and normalizing the things normal humans struggle with. Rather than living on the surface, pretending to be “fine,” let’s admit we’re human and support each other’s growth!

By the way, this is where the church has such great potential: We know about grace, mercy, forgiveness, bearing each others’ burdens, building up, encouraging, praying for each other, and weeping with those who weep. By being “broken together” we’ll actually end up much less broken than suffering alone pretending we’re not broken.

Simply put, we’re not that special!

You don’t have to eat what you like.

December 7, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 3 Comments

Several years ago, I wrote a humorous piece, with the phrase: You don’t have to like it to eat it. Besides revealing my own disordered eating habits, it presented what I think is a crucial life principle: we mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives expel everything we find unpleasant.

I’ve had many good conversations about that essay, but recently it struck me that an equally important principle can be derived from the inverse of the same phrase. This essay makes the case that you don’t have to eat what you like.

Here’s the new principle:

We mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives ingest everything we find pleasant.

In other words, there are cravings we ought to say no to.

It’s been this way from the very beginning. Our first parents were the first to mess this up: ^“So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” (Genesis 3:6.) What looked and tasted so desirable to our forebears, quickly turned sour in their mouths–and the fallen world has been a mess ever since.

Apparently, Guinea Pigs are a lot like humans. One day, when our kids were young, I was cleaning out the refrigerator and it occurred to me that this old onion would be a wonderful snack for Brenda’s beloved pet, “Patches”. The Guinea Pig absolutely loved it, gobbling it right down. He seemed so happy and I was so pleased with myself. The next day, Cindy noticed something wasn’t right. As she watched, Patches twitched and convulsed and then died right in front of her. Apparently, it’s not just humans that need to be careful about following cravings. I was not awarded “Father of the Year” that year.

What makes this principle of not acting on our cravings so important? Here are some reflections:

1. Indulging can harm us. This one is the most obvious. If I eat everything I want, I’ll be fat. If I buy everything that looks desirable, I’ll be broke. If I consume every stimulant that entices me, I’ll be an addict. If I spend my time doing just the things that please me, I’ll be a burden to the world. If I develop a craving for poison, I’ll die.

2. Contentment is a virtue. Having joy despite not getting everything thing I want is a sign of maturity. Without contentment, we’ll be miserable on the treadmill of chasing everything that is bigger, better, shinier, or newer.

3. Having a desire doesn’t justify it. Just as we shouldn’t say everything that we’re thinking, we shouldn’t indulge everything we’re feeling. Craving something doesn’t give me a right to have it. What I want to do and what I should do are two different things. This is why society needs laws–to deter people from doing the harmful things they may feel like doing if they could get away with it. This is why…

a good parent doesn’t automatically give in to all their kids’ cravings, whether sweets, technology, or expensive sport teams.
a good parent implements natural consequences even though it may cause the kid discomfort.
a good parent let’s their kids experience the discomfort of personal failure, recognizing that discomfort is a great teacher.
a good school doesn’t let kids do whatever they want, it challenges kids to do the hard work of sitting still and learning. Kids shouldn’t rule the school!
a good government doesn’t let any of us run rampant, it helps restrain us from ourselves.

4. Today’s culture confuses desire with identity. Our world now says, “you are what you crave.” If you feel like doing it, having it, or being it, you should get what you want! In fact you must–in order to be your true authentic self. Individual expressionism has surpassed reason, science, and common sense. There are some things we cannot actually be, no matter how much we may want to be that thing. E.g., if I desire to be an amputee (and some people do), the answer isn’t to cut off my leg, it’s to change my thinking and accept reality. Our culture needs to blow the dust off of the Serenity Prayer and accept the things that are immutable.

5. Desires can change. Today’s world wants our feelings to define us, but it forgets that desires can change. I might drool over the pan of warm brownies, but as soon as I learn it was made with dog poop as an ingredient, suddenly I stop salivating. We all acquire a taste for things we used to loathe and we sometimes loathe things we used to crave. Feelings are fickle and we shouldn’t put too much emphasis on them.

6. We can create a Jesus who doesn’t exist. This cultural emphasis on feelings has invaded Christianity as well, defining Jesus as someone who exists only to believe in us and make us feel good about ourselves. Instead of being made in God’s image, we’ve made God into our own image, a custom-designed Jesus, who wants nothing more than for us to be happy.

This departs from reality. The real Jesus, as recorded in the Gospels by the eyewitnesses who knew him, did not tell his followers to expect a life of comfort, safety, and ease. Instead he promised hardship, persecution, trouble, suffering, and the need to “take up your cross daily.” His famous Sermon on the Mount, commands us to do many uncomfortable things: turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, love our enemies, turn away from sinful cravings, give to the needy, forgive others, and take the log out of our eye, All of those include significant amounts of discomfort.

7. Thankfully, we can have joy in spite of not getting what we crave. Jesus shows us the way by modeling this. In Hebrews 12:2-3 we read about “Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we must forsake all the things we crave. God custom-designed us with five senses; there are many delights that God has given us to enjoy!

What I am saying is simply this: We mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives ingest everything we find pleasant. There are desirable things we must say “no” to.

In other words, “You don’t have to eat what you like.”

How Could It Not Occur to You?

November 10, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

When dealing with people, I sometimes hear a voice in my head saying, “How could it not occur to you?”

Over the years, I’ve noticed that it does not occur to people…

to rush over and give me a foot-rub.
to leave the dirty dishes unstacked.
to mumble less and speak up so I can hear them.
to remove the hair clogging the shower drain screen.
to turn off the lights when they leave a room.
to remove the laundry from the dryer.
to add to the shopping list the item you just used up.
to let us know when they arrive at their destination in a foreign country.
to send more pictures of the grandkids!

Lest you think I’m pointing fingers here, everyone in my family is likely saying the same thing about me.

It usually doesn’t occur to Mark

to put the tools away after completing a project.
to shut the cupboard doors.
to clean up the clutter off the floor.
to put the toothpaste back in the drawer.
to rake the leaves in the yard.
to withhold giving my kids advice until it is asked for.
to ask others before spray-painting our cars.

It’s a universal problem, but I have the perfect solution — everyone should become just like me!

If everyone was exactly like me.

I’d never be annoyed or frustrated.
I’d never be disappointed or caught off guard.
People would always attend to my every need.
They’d always say exactly the things that I want to hear.
They’d know when to leave me alone and when to engage with me.
They’d always do things precisely the right way every time [meaning my way, of course!].

The problem with my perfect solution is that no one can be me.

No one can read my mind.
No one can see through my eyes.
No one can anticipate what I would want.
No one can feel the feelings my body feels.
No one has the exact same Love Languages as me.
No one has my same concerns, fears, hopes, or solutions as I have.
No one knows exactly what I know or has exactly the same background that I have.
No one has the same expectations as I do.
No one has the same hang-ups, quirks, and dysfunctions that I have–and believe me, I have a LOT!

People can’t be me, and they can’t be you either!

So, seriously then, how do we handle it when people don’t get it–it simply doesn’t occur to them?

Recently, I had an epiphany about this that I want to share.

I’m realizing that I have two options when I start to think: “How can it not occur to you…?”

OPTION #1: Incredulity. (This is the option that comes naturally.)

Option 1 is the default. We become angry and feel wounded or victimized. We ruminate on how the person ought to have known better. We keep track of how many times we’ve told them what we want, and we keep score on how long it’s been since they did things the right way (i.e., our way).

Those of us who are non-confrontational “people-pleasers” will Stuff our incredulous feelings and become cold-shouldered toward others. Those who are more confrontational will likely take others to the Woodshed or the House of Mirrors. None of this accomplishes anything useful.

Option #1 may feel justified, but it just isn’t helpful. Its focus is blame and shame and negativity. It expects others to be mind readers. It forgets that they are humans who often fail. It wastes time, makes us bitter, and creates a wedge between us and others.

OPTION #2. Ask a direct, polite question with an explanation of why it matters to you.

Rather than expect the other person to intuitively think like me, I’m finding it more useful to just verbalize what I’d like right now–and why.

Could you do me a favor and rub my feet? They are sore from running and that would mean a lot to me.
Can you help me with the dishes? That would really make me happy.
Would you be able to remove your load of clothes from the dryer so I can get mine dry?
Can you let me know what your flight plans are so I don’t worry about you?
It means a lot when you remember to put the toothpaste in the drawer. Could you work on remembering that?
Would you be able to rake the leaves by Monday when the vacuum truck is scheduled to come to our street?
Can you send us a video of grandson Jake making his hilarious donkey sound? We would love to see it!

Rather than waiting for things to magically “occur” to others, let’s just ask for what we’d like right now. It’s so much more useful!

The sin of not showing empathy.

October 13, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 2 Comments

In my last post, on fixing things, I spoke about the need to fix your relationship with a person (Fix#1) prior to fixing their problems (Fix#2). I mentioned that the thing required in Fix#1 is empathy.

Empathy has gotten a bad rap lately, some even calling it a sin, so I thought it would be helpful to write out my thoughts on this important topic. I’ve referred to empathy in many of my blog posts, so I’d better explain what I mean by that word! I don’t claim to have the definitive word on what empathy is or ought to be, but I can at least explain what I have meant when using the word.

Admittedly, there is much cultural dissention today about what empathy is. It all depends on what you mean by the word. Charlie Kirk distinguished between empathy and sympathy, disdaining the former and favoring the latter. Others like Brené Brown favor empathy over sympathy. Joe Rigney recently wrote a book, The Sin of Empathy.

Some say empathy equates to feeling the feelings of others. Others have said empathy is about connection with a hurting person. Some define empathy as affirming someone’s “personal truth.” Some see empathy as pandering to the sensitivities of others or advocating against injustice.

Ironically, but sadly, relationships have actually been severed over the word empathy, creating all the more need for it!

Some see empathy as a good thing, others as a bad thing.

It all depends on what you mean by the word.

Three factors may be at play with the dissention about empathy.

Definitions. Words change meaning over time. One example is the word tolerance, which used to mean the allowance of opposing views to be freely heard. Today, I’m called intolerant if I don’t applaud popular views which may be contrary to mine. Empathy is another one of those words that everyone is redefining.
Assumptions. We tend to assume what others mean when they use the word empathy. The problem is few people take the time to listen to what is meant by words. For example, when Joe Rigney calls empathy “a sin” he’s not attacking empathy per se (i.e. the sharing of emotions) but he makes a good case against what he calls “untethered empathy,” which he defines as “an excess of compassion, when our identification with and sharing of the emotions of others overwhelms our minds and sweeps us off our feet.”
Reactiveness. People tend to react to words before learning what is meant by the words. We live on the level of sound-bites, which can lead to fear, alarm, or sensationalism. Calling empathy a SIN is sure to get people’s attention, a fact that I was not unaware of when I gave this post its title. The unclarity in the contemporary use of empathy can get reactions. .

So what do I, Mark Forstrom, mean–and not mean–when I use the word empathy in my posts?

In my view…

Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through. No more, no less.
Having empathy does not imply that we feel the same feelings as another person No one can understand exactly what anyone is going through. We see through different eyes and are affected quite differently by life’s challenges. No one hurts the same way, grieves the same way, or finds meaning in things the same way. We can be affected by the emotions of others, but we do not replicate them exactly.
Empathy takes seriously the emotions of others without minimizing or mocking them. I used to really fail at this, being logical, practical, and judgmental. I didn’t have much patience for the emotions of others. Thankfully, I’ve been challenged in this area over the years, and have learned how to acknowledge others’ emotions without judgment–whether or not I share them. As this is a required skill for counselors, I’m glad I’m becoming proficient in this area!
Empathy should transcend human divisions. I should be able to show empathy equally to people I agree with or disagree with. Scripture commands me to love even my enemies, and showing empathy is part of that.
Showing empathy toward a person in distress doesn’t mean that I view their distress as necessary or healthy. People can bring on their own distress. Empathy shows that we care that they are hurting even if their pain is self-inflicted or unnecessary. When our kids fail by acting irresponsibly, we don’t mock them, we don’t lecture them, we don’t say “I told you so”. Instead, we show empathy in the moment–and let natural consequences be their teacher.
Empathy mustn’t soothe people in ways that would harm them. We should support them in their immediate pain, but we mustn’t support things that would harm them. We don’t provide beer to the distraught alcoholic. This corresponds to the principles I value in When Helping Hurts.
Empathy does not jettison reality for the sake of feelings. We don’t feed dog food to someone who is devastated that they weren’t born in a dog’s body. We meet them where they are, but we don’t leave them there.
Empathy applies to the short-term needs of the moment. It is part of triage–it may function as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. Other interventions will likely be needed to attain wholeness after the person has stabilized.
As said in my last post, empathy is the first part of a two-step process. Immediate emotional support (Fix #1) followed by helping them find wholeness (Fix #2).
Most personal growth happens not through receiving empathy, but through the discomfort of being challenged upward. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” Proverbs 27:6

In summary, to me…

Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through.

No more, no less.

It’s simply saying: “You’re hurting and I care about that.”

In my view it would be a sin not to do that!

For those who like to fix things.

September 1, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

Some of us are fixers.

We don’t like problems–they make us uncomfortable. We want problems to go away. Right now! Problems stress us out. That’s why we need to fix things.

Fixers come in handy when it comes to home improvements. Or car repairs. Or pest control.

But unfortunately, fixers don’t do well in relationships. In fact, they tend to break relationships. It’s very ironic in that their attempts to fix relationships fixers actually break them even more.

When it comes to relationships, it’s the fixers that need fixing! So how do you fix that?

Well, there’s a two-minute video that I think really helps. I show it to all my counseling clients who are fixers. I’ve shown it scores of times. It’s hilarious, and yet profound. I suggest you watch it right now. Here’s the link: It’s Not About the Nail.

Spoiler alert: please watch the video before reading on! You’ll be glad you did.

There is much to learn from this goofy little video. Here are the things my clients and I process.

The most serious problem portrayed is not the nail! The biggest problem is that there is wife who feels uncared for, unheard, dismissed, and alone in her marriage. She experiences pain, but worse than that, she suffers alone.
Obviously, the nail is also a problem. It is the secondary problem, yet it’s the only problem the husband sees. “Get rid of that nail and everything will be fine,” he thinks.
The husband is clearly uncomfortable with her distress, in fact, her distress gives him distress! That’s why he rushes to fix the problem. He cares for his own comfort rather making her feel cared for. He clearly lacks empathy, a topic I plan to blog about soon.
She finally convinces him that she wants him to just listen to her, which he reluctantly agrees to.
When she’s finished talking, the pivotal moment comes when he says those four words, “That sounds really hard.” I’d call that a very weak show of support, but even so, it impacts her profoundly. She melts before him. Suddenly she’s not alone; she feels heard and understood. She’s immediately drawn to him both emotionally as well as physically–that is, until their ill-timed collision sets them back!

For you fixers, here are the lessons I want you to take away from the video.

First. Remember that there are actually TWO problems that need fixing. And the glaring one you so easily see is of lesser importance. It is far more important that your friend feels cared for and not bypassed. The two problems BOTH need to be fixed.

Second. You must fix the bigger (invisible) problem first (FIX #1) and the smaller (obvious) problem second (FIX #2.) If you fail to do them in this order you may get the nail out, but your friend will remain feeling alone and uncared for in your friendship. You will have focused on a problem and entirely missed the person who has the problem.

Third. Fixing the invisible problem of your friend’s hurting heart will not be intuitive to you. Don’t try to guess what fix is needed, but plainly ask instead. One of my favorite questions to ask when I see someone I love in distress is this: “What do you need from me right now?” It’s a no-fail question. Whatever the answer is will be exactly the fix you’re looking for in FIX #1. Make it a habit to ask this question whenever you see someone in distress: “What do you need from me right now?” Their answer might be…

“I need a hug”
“I need some space”
“I need you just to listen to me”
“I need a backrub”
“Can you finish the dishes?–I’m exhausted”
“Can you help me think this through?”
“Can you remind me that it’s going to be ok?”
Can you pray for me?
“I don’t know what I need, but thanks for asking and when I think of something, I’ll let you know”

Whatever your friend says, you’ve learned the perfect thing to do. The person will feel loved, understood, and valued–even by you asking the question.

And eventually, their answer will be…

“I need you to help me get this nail out of my head! It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for! And that’s where your skills at fixing will actually come in handy. The difference is that now you’ll be doing FIX #2 together as a team with hearts connected!

Parental Control is NOT the Answer!

April 28, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

In 2017, I first published this series of seven essays about how to change the behavior of kids. In the eight years since I first wrote this, the behavior of kids has only gotten worse! In 2025, I feel as strongly as ever about these principles and want to present them again with a few additions.

I want begin by talking about PARENTAL CONTROLÂ because the way you wield control will not only affect your kids’ long-term well-being, but also your lifelong relationship with them.

Let’s begin by defining the word.

CONTROL

[kuh n-trohl] verb (used with object), controlling.

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

As the authorities of the home, parents certainly have a God-given right and responsibility to exert control over their kids. Control is a critical component of nurturing, especially since kids are born weak, with neither the ability to take care of themselves or exercise sound judgement.

We’ve all seen kids who are “out of control” and wondered where their parents were!

But I want us to give some thought to the amount of control that parents should exert over their kids during the course of their kid’s childhood. Â I’ve observed that many parents overextend their use of control or aren’t willing to relinquish it.

Once, when I hosted a parenting class, we charted out what an ideal amount of parental control ought to be for developmentally normal kids over the course of 20 years.

Here’s what we came up with…

You’ll note that for the first year or so, it seems the parent has zero control — indeed the child controls the parents! The baby cries: the parent feeds him. The child poops: and the parent rushes to change the diaper! Like it or not, that’s how it works!

But before long, the parent begins to exercise a high amount of control over the kids. In fact, the parent is now controlling almost every thing in the child’s world: what he wears, where she goes, who and what he can play with, what she can touch, etc. This of course is necessary because the child has no capacity to make such decisions.

Now let’s fast forward–in our minds–to the day that child will leave for college. (Keep in mind that we’re talking about developmentally normal kids.) How much control should the parent still be asserting? I say almost none!

Think about it –by this time in their journey our kids should be able to function almost completely apart from parental control. When they graduate from high school they ought to be well on their way to be managing their own lives: their health, their friends, their finances, their choices, their education, their hygiene, their sleep habits, their decision making, their church involvements, their workload, etc. with little –if any–parental controls in force.

But sadly, that’s not how it works in many homes. Out of worry and fear some parents maintain a high level of control all throughout the teen years. Â Then they send their kids off to college where the kids suddenly find they are without any parental control at all. They love it — free at last! But those unfortunate kids are the ones who will naturally misuse their newfound freedom, running up credit card debt, partying their freshman year away, accumulating untold baggage, and discovering how ill-prepared they really were to manage their own lives.

They’ve had guardrails imposed on them their whole life and consequently they never learned to set their own.

Let’s not do that! As the chart shows, our control over our kids should gradually diminish over time and they should be increasingly taking control of their own lives. No, it won’t be as smooth a curve as I indicated on the chart above — it will zig and zag a bit, based on the responsibility that our kids show as they practice managing their own lives.

But they should be given a measure of control–and along with it–opportunities for epic failure. Better to try and fail in high school where the stakes are lower and where parents are nearby to help process their life management abilities. If they don’t learn how to set their own guardrails in high school they’ll never be able to do so in college where the stakes are high.

A parents’ ultimate goal should be be to gradually relinquish control more and more until the kids are effectively running their own lives — even if we don’t necessarily like everything they choose to do with their control.

What will this require?

As they grow older we have to increasingly give them responsibilities.
Over time we will have to willfully, intentionally, and gradually diminish the things we control.
We will have to let them experiment with managing their own lives.
We will need to process their mistakes with them.

Three things that would keep us from relinquishing control.

Fear. We have to trust God for things we can’t control. It’s as much of a spiritual battle as it is a physical one.
Discomfort. It’s much more comfortable for us to keep them on our radar and under our control.
Hard Realities. We know the dangers that are lurking out in the world and we also know our kids’ particular weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Fear, Discomfort, and the Hard Realities all make us hesitate to relinquish any control–in fact, we’re tempted to increase it. We tend to reign our teenage kids in closer and tighter so we don’t have to worry so much.

But the more control we assert over teenagers, the more likely it is that they will grow to resent us — some for a lifetime. Some will be counting the days until they can legally exit our home and be free of us completely. Ironically, those kids will end up doing the very things our use of control was trying to prevent them from doing in the first place.

Discouraged? Don’t be. Luckily we have a powerful tool in our parenting tool belt that is even greater than control. It’s called INFLUENCE.

We’ll discuss that in my next post…

The Five Love Languages — what I DON’T like.

March 31, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

Last week, I wrote about what I DO LIKE about the concept of Love Languages, but there’s more to be said. As promised, here are my problems with the Love Languages. I have two main concerns with 4 subpoints:

EGOCENTRISM. First, we tend to deliver love only using our own Love Language(s). Understandably, we do this because we see the world only through our own eyes, therefore, what makes me feel loved is what love is, right? Wrong! We should not assume that what makes me feel loved will make others feel loved; different things matter to different people. I once had a dad insist he loved his daughter because he gave her hugs, (which, of course, he loved to receive). But the daughter actually felt very unloved, because what mattered to her was not hugs, but words of affirmation. He thought he was a loving dad, but was he?

A few years ago, Cindy and I held a marriage seminar at a church and one of our discussion topics, of course, was Love Languages. One of the participants asked: “What if you and your spouse have completely different Love Languages?” That question got me thinking. I realized that when our Love Languages are identical (for example, when two “Touch” people snuggle on the couch) the love displayed is natural, but not very profound. But when Love Languages are vastly different, any delivery of love that accommodates the other person’s Love Languages is extremely profound! Such love is unnatural, chosen, and intentional, and perhaps even costly and sacrificial–i.e. agape love! I concluded that the more unnatural the love displayed is, the more profound it actually is. When I get a hug from my daughter who loves hugs it is wonderful, but not profound. But when I get a hug from my daughter who is squeamish about touch, I feel profoundly loved–we both know that she left her comfort zone to deliver to me a costly gift of love.

ENTITLEMENT. Second, awareness of our own Love Languages backfires when it turns into entitlement, causing us to think, “Aha! This is how I need others to treat me.” Four problems stem from this.

I am focused on my “needs.” If I view my Love Languages as “needs,” then I’m going to have all the more reason to feel mistreated when others don’t treat me that way. I’ve written before about the folly of being needy. It’s wiser to view our Love Languages as merely longings and desires not as needs. This perspective will make us more content and reduce our tendency to play the victim. People will always fail us; let God be the one to meet our actual needs. I can have joy even if my Love Languages aren’t met!
I can develop a “UOME” attitude. Awareness of our Love Languages can put our focus on receiving love rather than delivering it. It’s easy to become self-centered, focusing on how others ought to be treating us rather than us becoming others-centered. Romans 13:8 says we owe others love. It would be better to have an IOU attitude toward others–and accommodating their Love Languages will help us deliver the goods!
I can manipulate others. Knowledge of our Love Languages might may us try to pressure others into treating us the way we want. It’s easy to use Love Language terminology to coerce others with guilt and shame. Sometimes we even weaponize Scripture to get the treatment we want. It’s also possible to keep score on the failure of others or hold them to tests they didn’t know they were taking. For example: “I’m incensed! You know that my Love Language is Touch but you haven’t given me a backrub for 83 days and counting!” It’s important to remember that love can’t be forced or pressured. It is only love if it is freely chosen.
I can demand 50-50 treatment. When we compare how we’re doing at accommodating others’ Love Languages vs. how they’re doing at accommodating ours, we can easily fall into the 50-50 comparison trap. As I’ve written before, 50-50 is a dangerous equation. It’s better to focus our attention on how to love others according to their Love Languages. We will each answer to God about how we love others, so let’s focus on our part, not theirs.

So those are my concerns. Overall, I find the Love Languages very helpful, but these pitfalls definitely need to be avoided!

Now let’s get out there and learn how to love people in their own Language(s)!

The Five Love Languages — what I DO like.

March 24, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

I really enjoy counseling people who are trying to rebuild or enrich their relationships. Quite often, our conversations lead us to The 5 Love Languages, a highly-influential, best-selling book by Gary Chapman. The idea is that there are five primary “Love Languages,” i.e., different ways that people give and receive love.

Chapman’s five primary Love Languages are:

Acts of Service
Gifts
Quality Time
Touch
Words of Affirmation

I like how the concept of “Love Languages” highlights how people are unique. It’s not about loving others in general, it’s about loving individual people–thus it’s important to know what makes a particular person feel loved.

Loving intentions don’t necessarily result in someone feeling loved. I’ve had clients report feeling perpetually unloved for decades, despite a spouse’s consistent, sacrificial attempts to show love during all those years. Like verbal languages, love can easily get lost in translation. In fact, delivering the wrong kind of love feels like unlove to the recipient. So, delivering the right kind of love is vitally important. “Love Languages” provides a helpful framework for that, and thus I recommend the book as a way to discern which of the love languages are the most meaningful.

I have five additional insights about Love Languages:

If you take a Love Languages quiz, you’ll likely find that you have a combination of Love Languages. Pay attention to the ones that are especially meaningful to you, but also take note of those that are not-at-all meaningful. Others would benefit if they knew to deliver to you more of the former and less of the latter.
Our Love Languages might change depending on who we’re with. For example, Touch is my primary Love Language with Cindy, but not so much with others. Words of Affirmation from a boss or authority figure might be especially meaningful to someone who grew up with critical parents.
I have found that Love Languages change somewhat as we grow and develop. Life situations, longings, and felt needs change over time, and so do the things we find most meaningful. For example, I used to not find “Gifts” meaningful, but lately I’ve noticed how certain Gifts (thoughtful ones, not monetary) make me feel genuinely loved by Cindy. If you haven’t re-assessed your Love Languages for a while, I would recommend it.
The categories themselves are very broad, so consider how sub-categorizing may be necessary–for example, for some people only certain kinds of Words of Affirmation are meaningful.
Finally, Love Languages need not be limited to the five categories at all. I suspect there are as many variations as there are people with particular longings. For example, I recently realized that I feel more loved when Cindy lets me keep my promises rather than doing herself what I said I’d do. Another person might feel loved when others show sensitivity to specific hurts from the past. Or someone might be impacted by having someone simply listen. These are also Love Languages, even though they don’t necessarily correspond with Chapman’s five categories.

To summarize: I like how the framework of Love Languages helps us identify the things that make people feel meaningfully loved.

Next week, in part 2, I’ll share what I DON’T like about the Love Languages. It may surprise you!

Angry at someone? Consider letting the sun go down.

January 27, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

In my counseling office, I sometimes encounter couples who find themselves having frequent conflicts, often late into the night. One spouse wants to “talk it out” for hours on end until their issue is resolved, but the other spouse, convinced that the issue won’t be so quickly resolved, is tired, and honestly just wants to go to bed. The first spouse interprets this reluctance to talk as evidence of withdrawal, which adds even more conflict to their already conflicted relationship.

Often, the justification for these late-night arguments is a Scripture that I believe is taken out of context and harmfully misinterpreted:

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

People take this to mean that the devil wins if we don’t resolve all of our conflicts before bedtime. But that’s not at all what it says. Aside from the fact that few us are actually in bed by the time the sun sets, the passage says nothing about having to hash out our grievances or understand all of our hurts before the day is done.

If we look at the context of these verses, Ephesians 4 has nothing to do with conflict resolution or expressing hurts to others. Rather, it tells believers how their new life in Christ should display godly character. “Not letting the sun go down on your anger” admonishes us to develop the character quality of anger management; it’s not a mandate compelling others to talk-it-out late at night.

To give our passage context, notice what the broader passage, Ephesians 4:25-32 [pasted at the end of this essay] says about how a Christian should behave. Genuine Christians should:

speak truth, not falsehood
practice daily anger management
do honest work
share what we earn with those in need
use edifying talk that builds up, giving grace to those who hear
get rid of bitterness, wrath, and anger, clamor, slander, and malice
be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving

Notice there is nothing in the passage that even remotely hints at deadlines for resolving conflict. In fact, an ill-timed late-night talk would make many of those character standards harder to attain. It’s hard to be edifying, kind, and tenderhearted in the heat of the moment and when you are tired.

Today’s post naturally flows out of my previous one, which encouraged parents to postpone consequences until everyone can think straight. Â Knowing when to speak is just as important as knowing what to say. This same principle also applies to marriage.

Certainly, I’m not against conflict resolution and the sharing of hurt feelings–they are essential for healthy relationships! My point is that finding the right time and occasion is vitally important. We’re less likely to listen and learn when we’re tired after a long day. Attempting communication when we’re angry and upset puts everyone in fight-or-flight mode. In such moments, we naturally go to the Woodshed, where no learning ever occurs.

Let’s wait until we’re in a better frame of mind, having that needed conversation at a time and place that will be constructive. Let’s wait until everyone’s ready to go to the Classroom to learn and grow together.

So what about our misapplied verse? What does it mean when it says: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil”? Here’s how I read it:

Be angry. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to feel what we feel. Better to admit it than pretend.
Do not sin. Being angry doesn’t justify our own sinning. Be careful about what we are tempted to do and say when we feel angry.
Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Verse 31 elaborates on this statement; it tells us to “put away” bitterness, wrath, anger, etc. Our temptation is to stew over such offenses and hurts, but God calls us to put them away–right away. Give your hurts over to God and let go of your anger–don’t let it consume you. As I said two posts ago: “The Throne of God is the place for us to go to ask for God’s help in our time of trouble. We should pray for God to give us wisdom and to soften our hearts toward the ones who hurt us, and we can pray that God would open their hearts as well. This will accomplish as much as anything.”
Give no opportunity to the devil. By getting our hearts right with God and with others, we rob the devil of his power to harm our relationships.

Let me summarize it this way: if you give your anger over to God before bedtime you’ll be showing godly character–and you’ll likely sleep better too!

Here’s the whole passage, Ephesians 4:25-32, referred to above:

²⁵Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ²⁶Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷and give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ²⁹Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³²Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Category: Counseling Topics (Page 1 of 5)

It would mean a lot if you could say that very thing.

You’re Not That Special!

You don’t have to eat what you like.

How Could It Not Occur to You?

The sin of not showing empathy.

For those who like to fix things.

Parental Control is NOT the Answer!

The Five Love Languages — what I DON’T like.

The Five Love Languages — what I DO like.

Angry at someone? Consider letting the sun go down.

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