markforstrom.com

My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Category: Counseling Topics (Page 1 of 2)

Critical Spouse Theory

February 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

My wife, Cindy, and I were talking recently about obstacles to healthy marriages. One of the things we have observed happening in marriages today is the tendency to frame marriage problems using an Oppressed / Oppressor perspective.  Cindy brilliantly coined a phrase for this which I want to elaborate on today:  “Critical Spouse Theory.”

In this view, I am the Oppressed and my spouse is my Oppressor.   This approach is destructive to marriages on several levels.

First.  Both parties will inevitably declare themselves to be “the Oppressed.”  In a world where marriage is seen primarily as a means to one’s own personal happiness and fulfillment this resonates well.  Anything that blocks one’s personal fulfillment is obviously oppression!

As I said, both the husband and the wife will consider that they are the Oppressed and their spouse is the Oppressor–and they’ll have plenty of support to back their claims;  if they hop on TikToc or YouTube, they’ll find hundreds of ex-wives or ex-husbands, reinforcing this view that they don’t need to put up with such oppression from their spouse.

Second.  This way of looking at my spouse is overly simplistic.  It lumps her into the general category of Oppressor, discounting any of her good qualities.  In this worldview, there is no such thing as “partial oppression”–it’s an all-or-nothing approach.   I cannot see any of the good because I’m focusing only on the bad.

Third.  Once I apply this negative label of “My Oppressor,” I no longer look at my spouse as the precious person I fell in love with, but now I see her as my enemy.   This identity distortion will spoil every interaction between us.  I’m not talking to a decent human being so neither do I have to behave like one.

Fourth.  I develop the belief that Oppressors can’t change.  They can’t improve.  They’re not safe to be around.  I need only to protect myself.

Fifth.   This perspective, therefore, absolves me of responsibility.   The Oppressed gets a pass on moral culpability.  I hear this all the time in the counseling office.  “I don’t have to treat him decently until he stops Oppressing me.”  And of course, the culture will reinforce this.  The Oppressor is only capable of evil and the Oppressed is exempt from moral critique.

Sixth.   Things are unlikely to change for the better.  With this mindset, the only way for my oppression to end is for me to keep away from my Oppressor.  Divorce is the likely outcome.

Seventh.  Critical Spouse Theory doesn’t offer any hope for a healthy marriage.

Avoiding the Critical Spouse Theory worldview

Most of the essays I write on Christian marriage are the antidote to Critical Spouse Theory.   Here’s some links to several of them.

1.   We must recognize that Christian marriage must never be primarily about personal happiness and self fulfillment.  That is a consumer-based, commodifying basis of marriage.  A Christian marriage is not a contract, but rather a covenant.  Marriage isn’t a perpetual honeymoon, but it is rather a crucible for character-building, where we learn to be like Christ in how we relate in the most intimate of human relationships.   Marriage ought to be the context where we learn to love, serve, forgive, and grow toward one another, teaming up to provide a stable context for child-rearing.

2.  We must recognize that all of us are a mix of Oppressor and Oppressed.   It’s rarely one sided.  Our marital love fails.   We all hurt the ones we love.  We all fail to fully keep the wedding vows we made.

3.  We would do well to focus on our side of the equation–becoming less of an Oppressor.  Take responsibility for what you need to change about you. We must focus less on the other person’s faults.  Jesus taught to take the log out of our own eye before obsessing over the speck in someone else’s.

4.  We must get rid of the 50-50 mindset.  I’ll automatically see myself as the Oppressed when I think that I’m unfairly getting less than my fair share.

5.  We must remember that we don’t get a pass on loving our spouse even when we may feel Oppressed.

6. We remember that people can change, and we must give them that opportunity.  We should extend to others the same opportunity for growth and change that we would want ourselves.  To declare that someone can’t change is to deny God’s ability to transform a sinner into a saint.

 

One final word.  I’m not saying there aren’t actual cases of abuse in marriage–there are!  If you are in physical danger, call 911.  If your children are being abused, take them and get out.  Implement whatever boundaries are needed.  Yes, there are exceptional cases of abuse, but they are exactly that–exceptional.  Most of us just need to learn how to better respond to the ordinary challenges of marriage.

People are just like Silly Putty

October 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I loved playing with Silly Putty as a kid.  Its consistency is so strange that it seems to originate from another planet.  It’s so unnatural–sometimes it acts like a solid and other times a *liquid.  I still find Silly Putty so amazing that I even keep a container of it in my counseling office!  Partly to play with, but mostly to demonstrate to my clients how people are just like Silly Putty.

How to make Silly Putty — and People — become SOLID.

If you take Silly putty and roll it into a ball, you can throw it on the ground and it will bounce back up, just like a superball.  In fact, the harder you throw it, the resistance increases, causing a bigger bounce. Amazingly, no matter how hard you throw it, it doesn’t change its shape at all!  It stays exactly the same.

People are just like this–I know I am.  If you treat me roughly, I will instinctively resist you.  Abrasiveness, criticism, and confrontation don’t produce growth, but instead put us on the defensive.  When we feel attacked, our brains immediately go into “fight-or-flight mode with self-protection as our natural response.  We don’t learn, change, or grow when approached with harshness, shame, or blame.

How to make Silly Putty — and People — become LIQUID.

In contrast, if you are gentle with Silly Putty, it behaves like a liquid.  If you lightly press and ever-so-gently tug it, it soon becomes so pliable that it almost runs.

People are just like this.  If you want to help people change, adapt, grow, or understand your concerns, you have to be gentle with them.

Proverbs 15:1   A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Galatians 6:1   …if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently…

Scripture asserts that tenderness is the path to great transformative power.  And it’s not only true, but it works!  In my counseling office, I’ve seen firsthand, that gentleness is the pathway to genuine, lasting change.

So if we desire to be influential in helping people change for the better, let’s approach that task with great gentleness.

*Silly Putty, according to Wikipedia contains viscoelastic liquid silicones, a type of non-Newtonian fluid, which makes it act as a viscous liquid over a long time period but as an elastic solid over a short time period.

Not getting divorced doesn’t mean your kids aren’t being raised in a broken home

October 20, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve met many Christians who are determined to never get a divorce due to their biblical convictions, but I find the goal of simply not getting divorced to be extremely short-sighted.  I’m not here to make a case for or against divorce, but my point here is that there are many seemingly “intact” marriages that are so unhealthy that their kids can only be described as growing up in a broken home.

Kids thrive best in a stable, loving, secure home with a mom and a dad who love them and love each other.   A mentor of mine said decades ago that the best gift you can give your kids is to display love for your spouse.  I agree.

Here are two scenarios that in my view constitute a broken marriage.

Lack of Affection.  Over a decade ago, I wrote about the importance of affection in marriage.  My views haven’t changed.  Most marriages begin with affection, but many couples lose it along the way.  Do we who are married show our kids that marriage is a delight or do they see ours as a loveless, contractual arrangement where we parents simply co-exist?  If our wedding vows have morphed into “I will tolerate you ’till death do us part,” what would compel our kids to ever want to make wedding vows at all?   So many couples function as roommates rather than lovers, which falls short of God’s design for marriage (e.g., Song of Solomon).  Plus, affectionless marriages naturally cause worry that affection may be sought outside the marriage, raising insecurities for the whole family.  The stakes are high.  If you are in a loveless marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling to recover that affection!  How healing it would be for your kids to witness the rekindling of your affection.

Adversarial Relationship.  The concerns expressed above rise exponentially when parents display an adversarial relationship toward one other.   Parents, to whom kids look to instill safety, stability, and security in the home, instead instill fears and insecurities when they yell, swear, insult, criticize, get defensive, withdraw, or show contempt toward their spouse in front of the kids.  Do you know that parents are by far the greatest influence on their children?  That’s why when parents model destructive ways of interacting with others, kids often follow their example.  And all this hostility in the home makes it more likely these kids will develop chronic fear, depression, and anxiety disorders.  The stakes are high.  If you are in an adversarial marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling.   Let your kids have a front-row seat as you repent and repair your marriage, being transformed from adversaries to allies.

In summary, simply avoiding divorce is not sufficient.  If your unhealthy marriage is harming you and your kids, take the step to get marriage counseling.  If you live in Iowa, I have a great place to recommend!  My colleagues and I would love to help you!

Complaining more may improve your relationships

September 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

My in-laws will never forget the day–years ago–when I suddenly stood up after a big family gathering and declared to everyone, “You people do something I don’t like!”  Even I was shocked that I had said such a thing!  We had just finished our meal and I had been unexpectedly triggered by something.  There was no going back now, so  I continued my complaint, “I don’t like it when you Hooblers stack the dirty plates after a meal because then I have to wash both sides of every plate!  That causes me extra work, which I don’t like!”

We had the Hooblers over for dinner again today, and, as they were handing me their plates one at a time, they once again recalled my dramatic outburst that day so long ago.  We laugh about it every time!

Complaining improved my relationship with my in-laws!

But what if I had used Criticism instead of a Complaint?  Aren’t they about the same?  Not at all.  I find it helpful to make a clear distinction between Complaints and Criticisms.

Complaints are honest expressions of things we wish were different.  They primarily utilize “I” statements and their intent is simply to create awareness about what would improve things for me.  The focus is education.

Criticisms, in contrast, are harsh judgments of a person’s character.  They primarily contain “you” statements and they often utilize excessive negativity, sarcasm, and loaded questions.  Their intent is character assassination, revenge, and vindication/victimization.  Criticisms point out a person’s faults, make assumptions about motives, and frequently use the words “always” and “never.”   They often resort to blaming and shaming, finger-pointing, and scapegoating

What if I had utilized Criticism instead of Complaint at the dinner table with the Hooblers?  Imagine what different result would have occurred had I had suddenly stood up after dinner and said this:

“You people really love making my life harder, don’t you?  You’re always trying to make more work for me and you don’t even care about the fact that now I’m going to have to put in twice as much work to clean up your messes.  You never think about anyone but yourselves do you?”  Well, I’m sick and tired of you coming over here and treating me like your slave. ”

I can guarantee there would have been no laughter today had I approached them back then with harsh Criticism.  Hurt and emotional distance? Likely.  Laughter?  Not a chance.

To be fair, it’s worth noting that as far as the dishes go, using either a Complaint or a Criticism will likely produce the same result.  A Complaint would sensitize relatives on how they can be a blessing to the host.   A Criticism might keep in-laws from ever coming over for dinner again!

[Side note.  If Criticism has been the pattern in your relationship, it’s likely that your genuine Complaint may be interpreted as a Criticism.  This is because you have conditioned the other person to brace for impact.   In that case, you will have to add extra sweetness to your Complaint to make your motives clear and to avoid misinterpretation.  You’ll need to go out of your way to include positivity, prior to your Complaint, saying: “I love you so much and I want to share something with you that I think will help us get closer.”]

Finally, there is a third option when frustrations arise:  Concealing our feelings.

Like Criticism, Concealing feelings is another poor option.  Stuffing our feelings and pretending we’re not bothered by something may seem charitable, but it’s also dishonest;  it denies reality and erodes transparency.   Wearing masks brings neither closeness nor connection.  It is much better to disclose our true feelings, which demonstrates self-respect as well as respect for others–those we care about deserve to know how their actions affect us!

So let’s neither Conceal our frustrations nor Criticize others.  Instead, let’s  Complain more for healthier relationships!

I credit learning the difference between a Complaint and a Criticism from a book by Dr. John Gottman, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” an excellent marriage book that I recommend for couples.   How we speak to each other makes a world of difference if we want to have healthy relationships.  

Scrapping the Honey-Do List

March 14, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Recently I did something that has made my life much more enjoyable.  I scrapped Cindy’s Honey-Do List–permanently!   Since getting rid of it, my life has improved considerably.

For you singles reading this who may someday get married, let me explain what I’m talking about.  A Honey-Do List is a list that your spouse will make for you and leave in a prominent place for you to see.

Usually, the list will contain household projects or chores that you won’t care about whatsoever (otherwise you would have already done those things and there would be no need for a list.)   To you, most of the things on your list will seem needless, irrational, frivolous, or a waste of time and energy.   Your spouse has likely gotten tired of nagging you about these things and is hoping that putting them in list form will motivate you to action.  This will rarely occur.   And if you ever do accomplish the projects on your list, you will likely do them with much grumbling and eye-rolling.

Except for the nagging part (Cindy doesn’t nag), that’s how it’s been with me for the past 37 years of marriage.  That changed a few months ago when I discovered an easy way to scrap Cindy’s Honey-Do List and be free from its burdens.   Why didn’t I think of this sooner!

Before I scrapped them, Cindy’s Honey-Do Lists would often contain things that I considered to be a total waste of time.  Things like:

  • Paint the deck where the old paint is peeling.
  • Rake the unsightly leaves from the yard.
  • Put covers over the air conditioner unit and grill.
  • Shovel the 8 inches of snow off the driveway so the ladies’ group can get to our front door.
  • Unreasonable stuff like that

As you can see, pretty much everything on Cindy’s list was totally ridiculous.  Surely,  you can sympathize with my reluctance to comply with such frivolous tasks and can understand my incessant eye-rolling about such matters!

So how did I shake free from this oppression?  Let me tell you the story.

Late last fall another ridiculous item appeared on Cindy’s Honey-Do List–Check the gutters for leaves.   In Cindy’s “irrational” way of thinking, leaves could blow on the roof, get washed into the gutters, and clog the gutters, causing water to stop flowing down the gutters, turning to ice in the gutters, causing ice dams to form, causing water to leak through the shingles and into our house, causing untold damage and destruction.  As I said, ridiculous!

As usual, I protested in my head, appealing to logic and common sense as my reason to resist.  The tree in the front doesn’t have that many leaves and it doesn’t even hang over the roof.  We’ve never had ice dam problems in the 33 years we’ve lived here.  The risk of me falling off a ladder far surpasses the risk of having our house destroyed by a theoretical ice dam.   It’s cold outside.  And on and on my mind went, looking for any way to opt-out.

And that’s the moment when I had my epiphany about completely scrapping Cindy’s Honey-Do List.

This profound thought hit me.  What if reframed Cindy’s list from…

Things That Need to Be Done  (which, of course, we will disagree on and which I will stubbornly resist)

and instead, think of it as a list of…

Things That Would Mean A Lot To Cindy  (which no one can disagree with and which I actually find motivating)

This new viewpoint literally made a world of difference for my attitude.  I literally rushed to the garage, grabbed the ladder, set up the ladder, climbed the ladder (putting my life at risk by the way), and looked up and down the gutters (confirming my prediction that there were no leaves).  And then I climbed down and put the ladder away, and rushed inside to announce to Cindy, “Honey, you’ll be so relieved to know that there are no leaves in the gutter to be concerned about.”

Loved wife.  Big kiss.   Happy home.

What made the difference?  When I looked at her list as a list of things that need doing, it was hard to avoid questioning whether those things were actually needed or not.  It caused contention about who’s opinion was more correct and whether the things were truly needed.  It set us up for a tug of war battle.   But when I looked her list as being  measurable ways to show her love everything changed.  It was akin to identifying Cindy’s extra love languages.

Ever since that day, we’ve scrapped the Honey-Do List at our house.  The new list is on my dining room table as I write this.   At the top, it reads:  “List of Things That Would Mean A Lot To Cindy.”   I think I’ll quit blogging now and go find something to check off!

Make a list of what you love about your spouse.

January 24, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Yesterday, I uncharacteristically focused on the negative. So today, I want to make up for that by going positive!

Here’s today’s assignment: Make a list of 50 things you especially love about your spouse—things you appreciate so much.  (This may take longer than yesterday’s assignment because it’s so easy to focus on what we don’t like.  It’s easy to fixate on the stubbed toe and forget the other nine toes that work perfectly well.)

Go ahead and do it now before continuing to read my post. I will too.

 

[Pause here until finished.]

 

How long did it take you to come up with 50?  Did it surprise you how easy or hard it was to come up with this list?  Did it take more time than yesterday’s list of negatives?

(By the way, unlike yesterday’s list, I recommend you DO show this list to your spouse!  It would be a blessing to you both!  Perhaps you could “pretty it up” and present it to your spouse as part of a Valentine’s Day gift!)

Now at the top of your list, I want you to add the words, “NOT BECAUSE.”  This is your NOT BECAUSE LIST.

In yesterday’s post, I talked about how agape love is an essential component in a uniquely Christian marriage.  It’s the kind of love that the Bible portrays as being unconditional.

On the list I just made about Cindy, I came up with 50 qualities that I love about her.  But please note that this use of the word “love” is not agape love, it’s more akin to “like.”  I like those things about Cindy—a lot!  But if I want to incorporate genuine agape love in my marriage to Cindy, I’ll need to show love to her…not because.

Likewise, you also need to show unconditional love to your spouse not because your spouse provides… [insert all 50 of your compliments here].  The question I want you to consider is this: if none of your spouse’s good qualities existed, would you still agape love him or her?

I’m suggesting that our loving treatment must be completely unrelated to our spouse’s current wonderfulness.  Here’s why:  most of the things we enjoy today will likely go away.  Our bodies will increasingly become older, and uglier, and eventually may even become disabled.  Our minds may not stay as sharp and may deteriorate altogether.  We may lose our abilities and capabilities.  We won’t have the energy we once had.  Our strength and stamina will likely lessen.  Our productivity will decrease and may disappear altogether.

In a Christian marriage, we pledge to love purely and unconditionally till death do us part.  If my grandfather’s love had depended on my grandmother retaining her wonderful qualities, he would have left her eighteen years earlier rather than love her until she died.  His love was not because of her loveliness, which was fading.  His love toward her was agape love.

Why must we love our spouse this way?  I can think of two reasons:

First, the Bible commands that marital love should mirror Jesus’s love.  We are to love just as He loved. This not because type of love is the kind of love Jesus showed us.  He loved us not because we qualified—in fact, we could never qualify.  His love had nothing to do with our qualities.  He was choosing to love us without conditions.  We should unconditionally love our spouse in the same way.

The other reason is the Golden Rule, which Jesus taught in Matthew 7:12.  Imagine if it was your wonderfulness that faded (and it will), wouldn’t you want your spouse to keep loving you as my grandfather did?   Therefore, we should treat our spouses the same way.

I’ve taken these last two posts to define two facets of agape love, which are really two sides of the same coin.

Nothing we might do will make him love us less  (the even though  aspect of agape love).

Nothing we might do will make him love us more  (the not because  aspect of agape love).

Let’s make that true in our own marriages!

Make a list of your spouse’s faults.

January 23, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Those of you who have met me know that I, generally, have a positive outlook on life.  So what I’m about to ask you to do may sound surprising:  Make a list of 50 things that annoy or irritate you about your spouse—things you would change about your spouse if you could.

Go ahead and do it now before continuing to read my post.   I will too.

 

[Pause here until finished.]

 

How long did it take you to come up with 50?  Did it surprise you how easy or hard it was to come up with this list?

Ok, now consider the categories of the things you wrote down.   Your list likely includes…

  • Annoying habits.
  • Personality quirks.
  • Differences in personal preferences or values.
  • Sinful tendencies.
  • Physical inabilities or deficiencies.
  • Lack of knowledge and awareness.
  • Other things that wound you—whether intentional or not.

To simplify things even more, we could probably summarize them all into one simple category:  All the ways in which my spouse is not just like me!  [By the way, please don’t show this list to your spouse–that would not end well!]

Now at the top of your list I want you to add the words, “EVEN THOUGH.”    This is your EVEN THOUGH LIST.

In my previous post, I talked about how agape love is an essential component in a uniquely Christian marriage.  It’s the kind of love that the Bible portrays as being sacrificial, selfless, and unconditional.  I cited my grandfather’s steadfast love for my incapacitated grandmother as my prime model.

So if I choose to utilize agape love in my marriage to Cindy, an admittedly imperfect person, I’ll need to show my love to her…even though.

Likewise, you also need to show unconditional love to your spouse even though your spouse does such-and-such [insert all 50 of your complaints here].

Our loving treatment must be completely unrelated to our spouse’s failures, foibles, and follies.  We must love purely and unconditionally.

Why must we do this?  Because the Bible commands that marital love should mirror Jesus’s love.  We are to love just as He loved.  This even though type of love is the kind of love Jesus showed us.  He loved us in spite of us.  Imagine if Jesus listed our deficiencies—it would be way more than 50!  Yet he loved us even though.

We were his enemies—rebellious, selfish, idolatrous, prideful, distracted, self-promoting, objects of wrath—and yet he treated us lovingly anyway by dying on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins.    This is the good news, the Gospel.   We’re treated better than we deserve!

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

He offers us his unconditional love; we only need to receive it.

But back to marriage, let’s determine to love our spouse even though.

Tomorrow I’m going to have you make another list–one that I promise will be much more fun!  But first, why don’t you go ahead and destroy this list I just had you make.  It’s served its purpose.

 

 

[Note: as I said in my last post, I’m talking about normal marriage relationships.  If there is abuse, adultery, or abandonment involved, this post should not be construed to mean you must put up with it.  In fact, the most loving thing the abused one can do for the abuser would be to stop him or her from abusing you.  If this applies to you, protect yourself, get help from those you can trust, and institute whatever boundaries may be needed.]

Marriage is neither 50-50 nor 100-100.

January 14, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I saw a meme on Facebook that I can’t help but comment on.   There are some things about it that really trouble me, so I want to use the meme as a springboard to make some points that I think are important for a strong Christian marriage.

First, I’ll paraphrase the meme:

Marriage isn’t 50-50.

Divorce is 50-50 where you divide everything in half.

Marriage has to be 100-100, where you give it everything you’ve got.

I think I get the overall intent of the quote:  “Don’t be half-hearted in your marriage but give it 100% effort.”  It’s certainly hard to disagree with that!  We could all use a reminder to put more effort into the things that matter!    So I agree with the spirit of the quote.

I also agree with the first phrase: “Marriage isn’t 50-50.”  Too many people enter marriage with the idea that “I’ll meet you halfway;  I’ll do my half and you do yours.”  The problem with this 50-50 perspective is that it makes the couple competitors; we’re comparing who’s putting in their fair share of effort.  And it sets up a comparison about who is working the hardest at the marriage.  The natural progression of this view results in “I’ll match your effort, but no more.  If you’re not doing your part, I’m out.”  Fairness, then, becomes the standard, and the success of the marriage hinges upon me coming out ahead, or at least we come out even.   In this view, marriage is essentially about me getting what I deserve.  So we can agree with the meme that marriage isn’t 50-50.

But what about the meme’s phrase, “Marriage has to be 100-100.”?   I disagree with this statement on multiple levels!  First of all, as I’ve blogged elsewhere, it’s impossible to give 100%  at anything — simply because we’re human.  And with marriage in particular,  Love Fails and we can’t perfectly keep our wedding vows even for a single day.   So it’s an illusion to think we can give 100%.  I’ll never get anywhere close to that.

But an even greater problem with the 100-100 model is that it takes us right back to the exact same problem we had with the 50-50 model:  I’ll match your effort.  “You do your 100 and I’ll do mine. and everything’s good.”  We’re right back in competition to see who’s putting in maximum effort.  Fairness is still the standard and getting what I deserve is still the driving motivation.

Is this what a Christian marriage should be about?  Hardly!  It’s neither an “I’ll meet you halfway” proposition nor it is an “I demand you be all-in” one.  Business partnerships may work that way, but not a Christian marriage because that’s simply not how biblical love works.  The agape love that 1 Corinthians 13 describes is a selfless, sacrificial, unconditional kind of love.  It has nothing to do with reciprocation or effort on the part of the other.  It’s loving someone regardless of what they are doing.  A Christian’s wedding vow to love until death is not a conditional contract, but rather an unconditional covenant before God that does not depend on the other’s effort.

Over the years, I’ve seen many good examples of selfless love, but the gold standard, in my view, was the love modeled by my biological grandfather, Arthur Olsen toward his wife, my grandmother Ruth.   They were married for almost 70 years, which in itself shows a tremendous amount of commitment.  But the last years became the hardest for them both when my grandmother developed Alzheimer’s at the age of 72.  For the next eighteen years, my grandfather loved her unconditionally until her death at the age of 90.

What did his unconditional love look like during that final chapter of their marriage?  For the first ten years, he took care of her at home.  During that time, he assumed more and more (and finally all) of the responsibilities in the home:  cleaning, cooking, shopping, and caring for her every need with little (and finally nothing) in return.  As her mind deteriorated, she would even fail to recognize him at times, fearfully thinking there was a strange man in the house.  Yet he patiently and tenderly reassured her that she was safe with him.  And she was.

Eventually, it became necessary for her to move into a care facility, but for the next eight years, my grandfather stayed close by her side.  Though he was required to live in a separate apartment from the nursing center, he came down to see her nearly every day, sitting with her for hours, walking with her, washing her, changing her, and feeding her lunch and supper.  He would cut up her food as needed and spoon-feed it to her.  In the final six years, she didn’t recognize him at all.  In the final year, she could no longer walk and was completely non-verbal.  She grew increasingly non-responsive, head drooping, staring blankly most of the time.  Yet he remained by her side as her faithful husband.  Amazingly, never once did he complain.

The nurses at the facility teasingly said they wanted to marry my grandfather because they saw in him what a real man and godly husband really looks like!

My grandfather took his marriage vows seriously.  It would have been an insult to my grandfather to speak of such nonsense as marriage being 50-50 or 100-100.

So what should the ratio be?

I suggest we let Jesus be our model here.  Paul, in Ephesians 5, tells husbands to “love their wives as Christ loved the church.”  The whole point of the Gospel is that we are undeserving sinners and yet, Christ loved us anyway.  We did nothing to deserve His love.  In fact, while we were still his enemies Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).  So, was it a 50-50 proposition with Jesus, where He meets us halfway?  Not a chance!  Was it 100-100 with Jesus?  Ridiculous.  With him, it was 100-0.  And if His love toward His church is the standard for us to follow in marriage, then we’ll need a new ratio from the one in the meme.

Since we can’t be perfectly Christlike on this side of heaven, I suggest the model each of us should aim for is this:

99-x   (with 99 being what you do and X being what your spouse does).

In other words, faithfully love your spouse without regard to how much he or she loves you back.  That’s selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love!

 

[Note: in this post, I’m talking about normal marriage relationships.  If there is abuse, adultery, or abandonment involved, this post should not be construed to mean you must put up with it.  In fact, the most loving thing the abused one can do for the abuser would be to stop him or her from abusing you.  If this applies to you, protect yourself, get help from those you can trust, and institute whatever boundaries may be needed.]

How to make your wife and kids feel unneeded.

December 18, 2022 / / 0 Comments

child-1160862_640How to make your wife and kids feel unneeded…

It’s quite simple, really–hardly worth even blogging about.  You pull them aside and you just say these four words, “I don’t need you.”

But feel free to be more creative if you like.

Personally, I prefer using the phrase, “I have no need of you.” Somehow it sounds a little more theatric, yet it accomplishes the same thing.  I’ve used that phrase often with my family over the past 29 years.

If you don’t believe me go ahead and ask them yourself!

Now before you call DHS, indicting me for shattering my girls’ fragile self-esteems, let me explain why we should be telling our family members that we don’t need them.

There are five reasons why I suggest we not tell them we need them.

  1. It’s not helpful to others.  It’s much more important to tell them we want them.  I am always clear to communicate “I want you,” “I cherish you,” “I delight in you,” “I enjoy you,” “I like being with you,” etc. — even while using my epic line “I have no need of you.”  Communicating “I want you” tells them that they are desirable, lovable, interesting, and treasured.  They don’t need to be needed, but they do need to be valued.
  2. It manipulates others.  Making them feel needed, can create an unhealthy sense of co-dependency, where their identity and worth are defined by how well they meet the expectations of others.  I know people whose entire adult lives have been consumed with having to please other people.  It feels like enslavement because it is.
  3. It sets us up for interpersonal conflict.  Viewing our loved one as a “need” puts us in the position of consumer with them being our provider.  It creates high expectations, where our happiness depends on their performance.  Such expectations easily cause us to manipulate others, pressuring them to provide what we think we need.  This “you owe me” attitude is a setup for serious marriage, family, and friendship conflicts.  Some may comply with our demands for a while, but most will eventually pull away relationally, causing a wall between us.
  4. It’s a deviation from what is true.  I believe that God is truly our only real need; everything else is merely a want.  This mindset encapsulates the very first of my 40 Life Resolutions: “God is my only true need.”   Everything else pales in comparison.  I would redesign Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” with God at the top and a “Hierarchy of Wants” underneath.  If God is truly the giver and sustainer of life — both now and for eternity–then the Christian technically needs nothing else.  Period.  Not even oxygen–in fact, being deprived of that will make us more alive than ever before.
  5. It’s a setup for our own devastation. We must not remove God from his rightful place as the one who satisfies us. If we do, viewing our loved ones as what we really need, this is idolatry.  It is also a setup for deep disappointment, despair, and bitterness should we ever lose our loved ones to death, disability, deficiency, distancing, or desertion.   Let me expound on each.
  • Death.  We have no guarantees.  Life is fragile.  We live in a fallen, precarious world.  Our family members are mortal.  It’s conceivable that the God who gave us our loved ones could choose to take them away. How would we handle that?  I’ve seen two responses.  Those who saw their deceased family member as a “need that they’ve been robbed of” invariably shake their fists at God and descend into a dark tunnel of bitterness.  I’ve seen parents lose one child and then become so bitter that the surviving children lose their parents (emotionally) for the next 10 years.  How unnecessarily tragic!  On the other hand, I’ve seen families lose a child yet praise God for the precious years they had together.  Although they grieved their terrible loss, they were eventually able to press forward, knowing that their child’s earthly presence wasn’t something they “needed” in order to be joyful.  In my daily prayers for my family I tell God, “Help me to treasure my family more and more, yet hold them looser and looser.”  If and when they are taken away–it’ll be hard, but it’ll be ok.
  • Disability.  We can probably all think of marriages that dissolved after one spouse became disabled.  A Christ-centered marriage shouldn’t depend on our spouse’s physical prowess or functionality.  “He (or She) didn’t meet my needs” should never be an excuse for splitting up.  That’s not what Christlike, unconditional love is.  “In sickness and in health, till death do us part” is the commitment that was made.  Thankfully, our spiritual disabilities don’t keep Jesus from loving us.  We can’t need others to function as we wish they would.
  • Deficiency.  Parents often “need” their children to be star athletes, musicians, performers, scholars, etc.  This then becomes a point of contention when kids don’t live up to their potential.  Parents sometimes derive their own esteem from their kids’ performance or try to live out their own unreached dreams through their kids.  This pressure adds stress to kids’ lives and often builds walls between parents and kids.  If parents stopped “needing” their kids to be something the parents want, perhaps these parents could help their kids explore who God wants them to be.  Better to find out who the kids actually are, not who you want them to be.
  • Distancing  Kids naturally pull away relationally from “needy” parents.  Unfortunately, when this occurs, these parents often resort to blame and shame, nagging and scolding as attempts to try to get them back.  Such manipulation always backfires and pushes them further. So many fractured families are the result of this. We also can’t need our kids to be physically close.  For example, we have to be ok if God calls our kids to move to China or to Africa for the next 20 years.  As much as we might want our future grandkids to grow up close to us we can’t need it.   Thankfully, we can be perfectly joyful and content even when we don’t have all the things we ideally would want!
  • Desertion.  Kids who abandon the beliefs, values, or lifestyles of their parents can cause devastation for parents who “needed” their kids to stay true to the faith.  These parents often try to scold, nag, or pressure their kids to come back to the fold, which ironically has the opposite effect.  On the other hand, parents whose joy doesn’t depend on their kids’ choices are free to live their own lives abundantly.  Though they will certainly remain grieved and concerned about their child’s choices and well-being, that doesn’t prevent them from worshiping, serving God, and taking care of themselves.  Ironically, the best thing a concerned parent can do to influence their wayward kids is not to attack their waywardness, but rather joyfully trust God and love others amidst heartbreak.  A genuine, unwavering, and unshakable faith may be the very thing that influences their kids to come back to the fold.

So do yourself, your wife, and your kids a favor by telling them you don’t need them!  It’ll transform your life and theirs!  And then tell God that He’s all you’ve ever really needed.

[Please note that in this article I’m using the word, “need,” in a technical or literal sense.  I recognize that “need” is also commonly used in a more figurative or pragmatic sense, such as, “We need to work together as a team,” or “I need help making supper.”   I take no issue with such “needs”!  Yet I have found it helpful to limit my use of the word “need,” substituting “want” or “would like” whenever possible as a way to ensure I don’t fall into any of the pitfalls listed above.]

[This was a revision of the original post from 2016.  I consider this one of my most important topics.]

Never say “Forgive me.”

December 9, 2022 / / 0 Comments

This essay runs parallel with my two previous “never say” posts: Never say “I’m Sorry,” and Never say “Trust me.”

But before I make my case for why not to say “Forgive me” to people, let’s talk about what forgiveness entails.  It happens after an injustice has been committed–physically or relationally.  A debt has been incurred; a crime committed.  Forgiveness occurs when the victim decides to “drop the charges ” or “cancel the debt.”

Forgiveness is necessary for harmony to be restored, yet forgiveness, if it is granted, must be done willingly by the victim.   It cannot be commanded or pressured.  If I’m the perpetrator and I’ve wronged my neighbor, it’s not my place to demand that he drop the charges against me and let me off the hook.  It’s not mine to insist that he cancel the debt I owe him.  So saying, “Forgive me” seems presumptuous and self-serving.  It smacks of entitlement, demanding that the wrong I did be dismissed.

So, even though forgiveness is required to make things right, demanding it is never appropriate, which is why this post discourages using the command, “Forgive me.”   Like love, forgiveness cannot be pressured or forced.

However, when you’re the perpetrator, I’m not telling you to ignore the issue of forgiveness.  It’s actually very good to state your need for forgiveness because it humbles you, shows your heart, and makes you beholden to the other person.  You’re admitting that your inappropriate behavior makes you indebted to the other person–like writing an “IOU.”   Stating your need for forgiveness relinquishes the power you had over the other person and it acknowledges that the other person holds the power to forgive you or not to.

Forgiveness, if granted, often takes time and likely will correspond to your demonstration of true repentance and your making proper amends.

“I hope that someday you’ll be able to forgive me for what I did” is a wonderful way to declare your need for forgiveness without pressuring the person to grant it immediately.  Whether he or she chooses to forgive you is his or her responsibility.

If forgiveness is withheld or delayed, sure, it will negatively affect you.  But remember you negatively affected that person first.

What about saying “Forgive me” to God?

I’ve been talking about asking people for forgiveness, but what about God?  Didn’t Jesus command us in the Lord’s Prayer to say “Forgive us our sins?”  Here are a couple of added reflections:

  • Christianity teaches that Jesus’s death on the cross has already paid for the debt we owe God because of our sins.  He has extended His offer of forgiveness to everyone who believes.  So when we say “Forgive me” to God, we are not commanding Him to do something He doesn’t want to do.  We are not ordering Him around.  We are essentially claiming what He has already promised.  We are taking Him at His word.
  • The Lord’s prayer actually says, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.”   It’s a statement that God ought to forgive us in accordance with how readily we forgive others.  That should give us something to think about when we are the victim.

 

 

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