Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 1 of 6)

[This is an update from a post I did in 2018].

In Part 1, I made the case for why I believe every kid should be given an allowance.   Scroll down and read that post first if you haven’t already.

Today I want to make the case for giving responsible kids HEFTY allowances.

Someone will say, “But we don’t have any extra money in our budget to start paying our kids hefty allowances.”  I’m not suggesting you add even $1 to your overall family budget.  I’m merely suggesting you transfer some of the money you’re already spending on raising your kids–to them!

Think about it–right now, you’re already spending a certain amount of money to buy them treats, gifts, clothes, fashion accessories, cosmetics, games, entertainment, etc.  How about handing them some of that same money and letting them pay for some of their own expenses!  This will lighten your load and teach them a lot about managing themselves.

Realizing that every family’s amounts will be different, let me share how it worked in our house.  We paid our girls $1 a week for each year of their age.   That means when they were three, we gave them $156 a year and by the time they were 18, that had increased to an annual amount of $936. That may sound like a lot, but it’s really not, compared to the total cost of raising a child.

Six considerations

1. We made them put 10% of it in their savings bank and 10% in their “Jesus bank” to take to church periodically to put in the offering.  From the earliest age, we wanted our kids to learn the importance of generous living and wise saving.  (Savings money could only be used for investments that we parents agreed were worthy ones:  e.g., musical instruments, computers, major school trips, cars, etc.)
2. Their remaining *80% of “discretionary” money, was theirs to spend as they chose–for the most part.
3. Parents will need to restrict what purchases are–or are not–allowed based on their own values.  Examples of “outlawed” purchases might be explicit music or violent video games.  Be sure to major on the majors though, and don’t be afraid of letting them waste their money!  (For years our 8-year-old daughter Lexi would spend all of her weekly allowances on frivolous purchases, living from “paycheck to paycheck.”  Then one day she decided she wanted an American Girl doll.  She started saving almost all of her allowance for the next 6 months and when that doll arrived, it was a hard-earned treasure.  She learned an important lesson on how “the best things come to those who wait”–a lesson she’s never forgotten!)
4. Each year on their birthday, they would get an increase in allowance, and often be informed of new things they would need to start purchasing for themselves.  Parents would do well to envision how much much financial responsibility they would want their kids to have on their first day of college and work towards that.
5. Depending on the age and situation, parents might physically dole out cash or transfer amounts into an account–perhaps even a debit card.  Admittedly this takes some time and effort, but the benefits from creating financially responsible and independent kids make it worth the effort.
6. As I’ve blogged about elsewhere, allowance money can easily be deducted from the child’s next “paycheck” to pay for fines, consequences, unfinished **chores, etc.  No arguments are required!

What kids might pay.

• Here is a list of expenses kids might be expected to pay for, starting from age three and progressing through high school:
  • Small Toys, snacks, candy–anything the 3-year-old might beg for at Walmart!
  • Hobbies and crafts (slime comes to mind!)
  • Pet expenses (100%–food, cages, shots, etc.)
  • Bikes, scooters, etc. (parents might choose to pay for safety equipment, helmets, etc.)
  • Electronic games (including batteries, accessories, etc.)
  • Entertainment (movies, bowling, books, magazines, etc.)
  • Hot school lunches (if they don’t want to pack their own)
  • Netflix or other streaming services (e.g., parents could charge a fee per movie or show watched to help defray the entertainments bills)
  • Room decorations (paint, themes, accessories, etc.)
  • Clothes/shoes (anything beyond the basics–they pay for unneeded clothes or expensive name brands)
  • Cosmetics/accessories/toiletries (anything beyond the basics of deodorant, essential hygiene items, etc.)
  • Haircuts/hairstyling
  • School/church trips, proms, club sports (a percentage–see below)
  • Cell phone/data (beyond the basics–see below), apps.
  • Car (purchase, gas, insurance, repairs–see below)
  • Saving for College (see below)

What parents might pay

• Parents should make clear what expenses they will cover.  For us, in addition to the basics (food, essential clothing & toiletries, school supplies, transportation, housing, utilities, insurance, etc.) we told them we would pay for the following:
  • 75% of church activities/expenses.  (The high percentage shows how this was a priority for us.  Yet, we also wanted them to participate in deciding which church activities were most important.  However, if they had been reluctant to go to church at all we would have gladly paid 100%.)
  • 25% of extra school activities/expenses such as uniforms, trips, prom costs, band trips, club sports, etc.  (School costs were admittedly a lower priority to us than church ones.)  One time, this policy of ours forced our 15-year-old daughter Lexi to decide which was more important–paying 75% of a spring break band trip to Ireland (which would cost her several thousand dollars) or saving her money to purchase her own car.  She opted for the car.
  • Birthday presents for friends (However, this was a predetermined “flat rate.”  They would need to pay the extra if they wanted to purchase extravagant gifts.
  • Basic phone and data costs (If they wanted the latest, coolest iPhone or unlimited data, they would need to pay that difference)
  • One weekly music or sports lesson.  We wanted to encourage their skill development, but we didn’t want them burning out.  If they wanted a second type of lesson they would need to pay those costs.  (BTW, if kids are too lazy to practice between lessons, they should pay for those lessons!)
  • A percentage of car insurance or fuel costs once they own their own car (this is because they are saving us money by driving themselves.)
  • Half of college expenses (This helped one of our daughters determine where to attend since it would significantly affect her pocketbook.)

I hope this gives you some ideas of how you might incorporate allowances into your family structure.

*Others, like Jeff Anderson, have suggested making kids save a third, give a third and use 33% for discretionary spending.

**I’m not suggesting allowances are given in exchange for doing chores.  I explain the difference here.

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[This is a revision of a post I did in 2018, but it’s just as relevant in today’s economy.]

Our goal as parents is not to raise children, but rather to raise responsible adults.  Sadly, too many parents end up with chronically-dependent high school graduates who can’t manage their lives — or their money.

So today I want to make the case for giving your kids allowances, which will make your kids better prepared for life.  And that means your life will be better too!

But first, I want to share with you an email I received from a missionary mom in Nicaragua, where I did a parenting seminar a number of years ago.   She followed my advice about giving kids allowances, and surprised me with this beautiful testimonial about doing it with her THREE YEAR OLD!    [I’ll insert my comments between hers.]

.Our 3-year-old son is learning the value of $ as he spends all his $1 per week on gum.

We might think of gum as a waste of good money, but to him, this is what he values most.  He’s had to do some self-reflecting in deciding what he cares about most.  Someday he’ll figure out that there are better uses for his money, but that’s something he’ll need to figure out on his own.   Most importantly he’s learning that his parents are trusting him with the responsibility of making his own decisions and that he’ll be living with his decisions.

He is quickly learning which gum pack gets him the most pieces.

Amazing!  Notice how he already is learning to stretch his dollar, to look for bargains, and to do comparison shopping to get the best value!  He’s being forced to use simple math to figure out what is in his best interest.  He’s already learning to advocate for himself.

He is learning not to eat the entire pack in 2 minutes because he doesn’t have $ to buy more.

See how he’s learning about delayed gratification, patience, pacing himself, relishing what he has, and living within his means!  How many teenagers never learn these lessons!  How many adults never do!

He even paid me a nickel the other day to carry the laundry into the house because he did not want to do it.  I explained to him that it is one of the small chores he is required to help with and therefore would have to pay me for his portion of the work.  Amazingly he looked at me square on and asked, “How much?”  I told him, “One nickel,” and he paused, thought awhile, and finally said “I want to pay you because I don’t want to do it.”

Wow!  This three-year-old is already learning to weigh pros and cons, to make decisions, to negotiate with others, and to wrestle with priorities regarding his time, money, work & leisure!  He’s learning that “time is money” and about simple economics.

I share this because if someone told me that this stuff would work on a 3-year-old I would never have believed it.  But, he is the youngest of 3 so we included him in the [allowance] process because he was feeling SO left out.  Now we know it is effective even at 3.

I love this story because it vividly demonstrates how giving some measure of financial control even to the youngest of kids can serve to build their character.

My next blog, Part 2, makes the case for HEFTY allowances, but let me close this post with some general thoughts about giving kids allowances.

• It makes children feel valued and trusted and gives them a measure of control over their lives.
• It gives them money to waste.  Failure is a great teacher.
• They can experience the joys of giving and the rewards of saving.
• It minimizes whining in stores about things they impulsively want (“Did you bring your money purse?  No?  Well I guess you’ll have to remember to bring it next time.”)
• It gives you opportunities for reasonable, non-emotional disciplinary action (“If you forget to do your chores, no worries, it just means you’ve hired one of us to do them!”)
• It doesn’t cost you anything.  You’re already spending money on your kids — this just transfers responsibility onto them for certain purchases.
• If you don’t give allowances, because if you hold all the money, they’ll always be coming to you for withdrawals, which can cause conflict.  Better to transfer at least some of their money into their care and let them learn to manage it.
• Parents can still set limits on what money is allowed to be spent for (but remember, don’t prevent them from wasting it.).
• Instead of butting heads with them about their financial wants, it forces them to make decisions about what matters most, learning important life skills.
• It gives them cash that can be used to reimburse you for any damage they may cause.
• It gives us opportunities to consult with them about their financial choices.
• It makes you the coolest parents on the block!
• Cash might be best for younger children.  Reloading a debit card might work for older children.

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Today, I got a frantic message from my daughter, Lexi, who now lives in China.  “Dad, is putting out a grease fire on your Life Skils list?  I must not have learned that one yet!”   Well, there’s an important life skill to add!   This incident reminded me that it would be good to update this post from four years ago.  It’s an important topic for parents.

I believe effective parenting involves giving our kids high levels of responsibility!

We want to prepare them to become adults who take care of themselves and pitch in to help others in their community.  Responsibility certainly involves them doing their share of chores, which I believe should be assigned from toddlerhood on.

And it certainly involves us teaching them life skills so that they will be fully prepared for life on their own.

The link at the end of this post contains a comprehensive list of life skills that other parents and I have collected over the years in my parenting classes.  I doubt you’ll find many we missed!

How to use the Life Skills List:

• Use it as a checklist with each of your kids to see what skills may need to be taught year by year until they’re ready for college.
• Use it as a list of fun things to do on a daddy date or during time with mom.
• When they master a skill reward them for learning it and celebrate together this new step towards their independence!

Three quick stories before you click the link:

First. When our kids were in elementary school and we would go on airplane trips, we would put them in charge of finding the gate, baggage claim, ground transportation, etc. It was like a scavenger hunt for them, and it taught them to recognize signage, read an airport map, pay attention, navigate confidently in the world of adults, notice when they took a wrong turn (yes, we let them!), redirect themselves, be a leader, etc.   (I met a grown woman this week who never flies because she dreads getting lost in airports.  In contrast, my girls could fly anywhere in the English-speaking world with confidence!)

Second.  Mastering these life skills could actually save their lives. When our oldest was working at a summer camp in upstate New York she posted this on my wall:

“Dad, remember that list of life skills you gave us?…um…prolly should have practiced ‘changing a flat tire’”. 

• My heart sank!  She got a flat on a deserted road and she had absolutely no clue what to do.  My lack of teaching her this essential life skill might have put her life in jeopardy!  She was vulnerable and therefore at the mercy of whomever might drive along that road.  Fortunately, a nice elderly man came by and installed her spare tire, but this was a wake up call to me about the importance of properly preparing our kids before sending them off into the world!

Third.  I was glad to receive this text from our youngest, when she attended college in another city.

“Dad, Isn’t “driving on ice” on your life skils list?  Because that skill just saved me from driving into a creek!  It was kind of fun LOL”

Here’s the Life Skills List!   http://tinyurl.com/LifeSkillsForKids

If you see any we missed, be sure to let me know!

Finally, here’s a great Youtube channel I just heard about called, Dad, how do I? produced by a dad who didn’t have a dad to teach him such skills.

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Scripture affirms the importance of human submission to authority in all its forms:  to God (James 4:6-7), toward church leadership (Heb 13:17), to governments (Romans 13:1-7), within marriages (Col 3:18) and toward parents (Eph 6:1).  According to God’s Word, our obedience to authority is a big deal!

Therefore, as parental authorities, it is our right and responsibility to be an authority to our kids, which often involves telling them what they can and cannot do.  [By the way, in English grammar, telling our kids what they must do is what we call using the “imperative mood.”]

Here are some examples of this imperative approach:  “Sit still”. “Be quiet.”  “Keep your hands to yourself.”  “Eat your peas.” “Clean your room right now.”  “Stop that screaming.”  “Do your homework.”  “Take out the trash.”  “Do the dishes.” “Get out there and mow the yard!!”  Notice how these are not requests, they are commands!

However, when parents use commands too often,

it causes relational problems:

• People universally resist being told what to do all the time — and our kids are no different.  Being ordered around makes one feel small, powerless, disrespected, and at the mercy of others.  This can cause a victim mentality and subsequent resentment toward authority.
• Each time a direct command is given it forces you and your kids into a “battle of the wills.”   The battle will be especially confrontive with kids who are strong-willed, oppositional, or passive-aggressive types.
• Direct commands that are directly resisted by kids create very precarious situations in the home.  If a child has a mind to ignore commands the subsequent battle over compliance will create a lot of negative energy for everyone.
• Every battle has the potential to create lingering resentment and a breakdown of the parent/child relationship.

So we have a dilemma.  On the one hand, Scripture says children need to obey their parents’ commands.  But on the other hand, those very commands can jeopardize having a good relationship with our kids.

The Two-Step Solution: 

1. Choose your battles well–the fewer the better!  Make sure you don’t major on the minors!
2. Replace most of your command-induced-battles with one of my favorite parenting tools of all time:  Enforceable Statements

Enforceable Statements are declarations of decisions that are entirely within the control of parents.  Instead of focusing on what the KID must do, you inform them of what YOU are going to do.  No commanding needed!

Here’s an example,  “At 9 pm, I will be putting all of the toys that are not put away into ‘Toy Jail’, where you may bail them out later if you want.”   Do you see the difference?  Rather than telling the child what to do, the parent is informing the child what the parent will do.  There is nothing to argue about or push back against.  The parent is in control and asserting authority, but there is no opportunity for battle lines to form.

Here’s another example — from our home.  We had a family rule that said, “We allow in our home any pet that you completely pay for and take care of.”  (Notice that this rule is also an Enforceable Statement.”)  Lexi, our youngest daughter owned a cat.  The only part of cat ownership she disliked was changing the kitty litter, so you can imagine the potential this had for weekly household battles over cat poop!  We used the following Enforceable Statement whenever the smell exceeded our acceptable level:  “Lexi, guess what?  Today is kitty litter changing day! If you haven’t changed it by midnight tonight one of us will be happy to change it for you and reimburse ourselves $3 (for our inconvenience) from your next allowance.”  It worked–we got her to faithfully relocate her cat’s poop for a whole decade without the use of a single command!  There were only a few times that she forgot and ended up “hiring” us. Most importantly, in the 10 years that Lexi owned the cat, we never engaged in a single battle or a raised voice over cat poop!

A Few Pointers on how to Craft Good Enforceable Statements.

1. Make them very measurable and clear. “I pay $1 a bag for leaves put in yard bags if done to my satisfaction.”

2. Only give options you’re willing to live with. Don’t say, “I’ll feed you tomorrow if you finish your supper.”

3. Don’t word them as threats, but rather as positive statements and/or rewards.  “I read bedtime stories to kids who treat me with kindness during the day.  Compare the tone of that to “I’m not reading to you because you were so rude to me earlier.”

4. Be gutsy.  The parent must be willing (and courageous enough) to actually enforce what he or she declares.  If a parent says, “I drive kids to soccer practice after school if I felt treated respectfully by them that morning” then the parent must be willing for the kid to miss practice.  Think long-term:  consistency in your enforcement will make them think twice before behaving badly the next time.

5.  No empty threats. If you make an empty threat that you don’t intend to enforce, the child will quickly figure that out — and leave you helpless forever!  Most of us have seen a parent say to their child in the middle of the mall, “Come over here right now or I’m going to leave without you!”  This is a statement the parent has no intention of enforcing.  Not only does this undermine the parent’s authority and make enforceable statements a joke,  it would also undermine a young child’s basic sense of security and trust.

Examples of Enforceable Statements

Here are a bunch of examples of Enforceable Statements that some friends and I brainstormed for different ages of kids; this will give you some ideas of how these work in day to day life.  Consider how these might reduce commanding, scolding and nagging in the home.

Early Childhood

• I’ll serve your food as soon as you are buckled in your booster seat.
• I allow children to be at the table as long as they’re not throwing food on the floor.
• I respond to requests from those who 1. put it in the form of a question, 2. use the word, “Please” and 3. use a pleasant tone of voice.
• I provide “big girl pants” to children who are potty trained.
• I close the door when children scream.  I open it when they are quiet.
• My ears are special — they don’t recognize the sound of whining, so if it seems like I’m not responding to you sometimes, that must be why.
• The car is leaving in 10 minutes.  You may walk or I can carry you.  You may be dressed or you can go to school in your jammies.
• I make disappear all toys that are thrown.
• I give treats to children who share their toys with others.
• I read TWO stories at bedtime to children who have shown extra kindness to others during the day.

• Elementary
• I will pay the babysitter a tip — an “inconvenience fee” — from the allowances of disrespectful children.
• I charge two dollars a minute to listen to fighting in the car.  You may pay me with cash, confiscated toys, or extra chores.”
• I will serve supper until 7 pm.  After that you’ll have to wait until breakfast to eat or eat PB&J.
• I’ll provide you with a meal of my choosing, which you must eat without complaining — if you don’t like what I serve feel free to eat leftovers .  When you cook, I’ll promise not to complain and if I don’t like what you serve I’ll eat leftovers.
• I don’t allow pets to be mistreated.  If I feel they are being neglected or abused I will find a new home for them.
• (depending on the kind of pet) I’m giving you complete responsibility for your pets. If you neglect them and they die, it will be your problem and on your conscience.
• I provide doors to kids who don’t slam them.
• I provide desserts and sweets to kids who brushed the sugar off of their teeth last night.
• I’ll be happy to take you shopping as soon as your chores are done to my satisfaction.
• I’ll wash any clothes that are put in the hamper.
• I’ll consider any dishes that aren’t rinsed and in the dishwasher to be considered by you to be reusable, so that’s what I’ll use in serving your next meal or beverage.
• I lend money to those who have collateral.
• I will match you dollar for dollar for birthday presents you purchase for your friends.
• We allow kids to have electronic devices as long as they check them in with us each night before bed. We’ll return them in the morning as long as there are no problems.
• I drive to practice those who behave pleasantly in the car.
• I made an adjustment to my car.  The gas pedal now only works when there’s LOVE in the car!  I’ll be happy to pull over and read my book if I’m not feeling love.
• I’ll provide the power cord for the wifi router whenever chores are done to my satisfaction.
• I’ll pay for sports for those who show good sportsmanship on and off the field.
• I charge 50 cents a mile for extra driving caused by your negligence.
• I’ll pay for music lessons for those who practice in between time.
• I’m going to mow the lawn at 7 pm.  Any toys that are in the yard at that time will either be mowed or sent to “Toy Jail” at my discretion.
• I’ll enter the parental control password to the cable tv when you’ve finished all your homework.

• Pre-teens / Teens
• I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
• I’ll be glad to discuss this when I feel I’m being treated respectfully.
• I pay show choir expenses for those who treat me like a celebrity.
• I pay sports team expenses for those who treat me like a superstar.
• I’ll pay for lessons for one thing at a time (sports, music, etc.)
• I don’t call in excused absences for procrastination.
• I write school notes that are truthful.  “Lexi is arriving late to school today because apparently she needs more than 4 alarm clocks.”
• I impound possessions of those who owe me money until the amount is paid. If need be I will sell those items on ebay or at a pawn shop to repay myself what you owe me.
• I’ll pay you $10 per hour for time you spend diligently working through the Smart Prep (ACT preparation) course.
• I’ll pay $6 per book report you get done in June, $3.50 for ones done in July; or $2.00 for ones done in August (to combat procrastination)
• I’ll pay 75% of all your church trip expenses; 50% of all school expenses.
• I’m happy to help you with homework until 10 pm, after which time I’m going to bed.
• I provide internet for those who use it responsibly, have accountability software installed, and who provide all passwords.
• I’ll pay for a phone for you after you’ve first paid for replacement insurance.
• I’ll allow you to have a smart phone, as long as you report to me any apps you’ve installed, given me a “tour” of them, and provided their passwords to me.
• I will make random inspections of your apps to verify your trustworthiness, but I promise not to snoop through your private messages unless you give me reason to doubt your truthfulness or your judgment.
• I’ll install pornography protection software on my own computer and designate your mother to receive reports of my internet use just like I will expect from you.
• I provide electricity to the rooms of those whose music doesn’t disturb other family members.
• I provide 10 minutes worth of free hot water.  After that I charge $1 a minute, deducted from your allowance.
• I allow kids to go out at night who come home when they say they will.
• I will be comfortable letting you go on solo dates when you’ve convinced me I don’t have to worry about you giving in to physical temptations.
• I will be comfortable letting you go to school parties when I am convinced you are responsible enough to avoid substance use temptations.
• I will be comfortable letting you go to a stranger’s house party when their parents have convinced me there won’t be drugs or alcohol present.
• I will provide dishes to those who properly rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.  Others may purchase their own paper plates, or eat off the tabletop (which will need cleaning afterwards).
• I’ll let you drive my car by yourself as soon as you’ve paid me a deposit in the amount of our insurance deductible.
• I’ll be happy to let you use the car as long as you convince me that I don’t have to worry about you using alcohol.
• I’ll be willing to let you stay out late on a school night as long as I’m convinced it won’t be detrimental to your school performance.
• I’ll make exceptions to the normal “curfew” when you’ve convinced me there’s a good reason for it and that I don’t have to worry about what you’re doing.

• Young Adults
• I’ll help pay for college for those who don’t smoke pot (as determined by random drug testing).
• I’ll match you dollar for dollar for paying college expenses.
• I’ll let you live here during your college breaks as long as you abide by my house rules without complaining, which involve keeping me informed of your whereabouts, being respectful, bringing no alcohol onto my property, asking my permission before having friends over, and doing chores or paying rent.

• Spouse – yes they work with spouses and everyone actually!
• I consider projects finished only when all the tools and mess are put away. At that time I will demonstrate my thanks to you! xoxoxo
• I’ll purchase grocery items that are written on the list on the refrigerator.
• I’ll wash any clothes that are put in the hamper.
• I’ll iron any shirts that are hung in the laundry room by 8 pm.
• I’m always happy to kiss lips that aren’t covered up with lipstick.
• I’m always happy to kiss faces that aren’t prickly.
• I’m happy to wash dishes that are rinsed and placed in the right-hand sink.

I need to credit Love and Logic for introducing me to this concept years ago.

I’ve already written two parenting blogs about the Majors and the Minors, but there is a need for one more.  The first post explained the difference between Majors and Minors.  The second post gave two illustrations of some outlandish behaviors of our girls that we declared to be Minors!

This final post will be a step-by-step guide to recalibrating your current list of Majors into one which is more useful.

Whether you are conscious of it or not, you currently govern your children by a specific list of Majors.  You likely don’t even think about the list, but it’s there.  There are certain things you choose to engage in battle over, and other things you don’t.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR CURRENT LIST OF MAJORS

If I were to videotape your interactions with your kids for a whole week I could write down a pretty accurate list of your Majors.  Here’s what I would look for:

1. Your use of commands is a dead giveaway.  When you tell them what they have to do, you’re clearly revealing things on your Majors list.
2. Your choice of consequences is another undeniable indicator of your Majors. What things cause you either to use obvious punishments (such as groundings, taking away a phone, or sending them to their room) or to use the more subtle concealed punishments (verbal scoldings, blame-and-shame tactics, labeling, bribery, or other forms of manipulation)?
3. Your tone of voice is a less obvious, but equally clear gauge of what you treat as a Major.  What behaviors do you raise your voice over?  Or nag about?  Or threaten regarding?  Or get sarcastic about?  These verbal cues subtly reveal your Majors.
4. Your body language will also give it away.  Are your hands on your hips?  Are you frowning in disgust?  Does your face look cross with disapproval? Are your brows furrowed?  Are you rolling your eyes?  Is your face turning red?  Each of these wordless communications reveals that your kids have violated one of your Majors.
5. Even how you pronounce your child’s name will reveal your list of Majors.  Do you normally speak their name sweetly? Or sharply, with a tone of disdain?  Is it said affectionately? Or does your voice’s pitch drop off at the end of their name, indicating your irritation with them?

FOUR STEPS TO RECALIBRATING YOUR MAJORS LIST

STEP ONE – Take Inventory

First, you must identify what things are on your current list of Majors.  Pay attention to the five things listed above and write down the Majors that are indicated by your own behavior toward your children.  Realize that you are naturally going to be blind to many of them because the interactions with your kids have likely become habitual.  Recruit others to help you identify what your own behavior reveals about what seems to bother you most.

STEP TWO – Eliminate 90% of Your Majors

Looking carefully at your list, ask yourself which of those issues are worth jeopardizing your relationship with your kids over.   My guess is that 90% of your current Majors are issues that don’t matter nearly as much as enjoying harmony with your kids.

Keep in mind that by Majors, we’re talking about things you absolutely require—things that are so important that you’re willing to engage in battles with your kids over them. These are demands of yours that justify having a strained relationship with your kids.

Most of the things that you’ll be crossing off of your Majors list–i.e. the Minors–are not that important.  They may feel important to you at first, because you’ve clung to them so long, but they are really only preferences. They are certainly not important enough to justify erecting a wall over them between you and your kids.  Re-read my first blog on this topic for a refresher on what factors should determine our Majors.

Your purged list of Majors should be noticeably shorter.  In fact, you might be shocked by how small your list is!  Not many issues are actually worth battling over, in fact, this process should greatly reduce the number of battles you have with your kids!

STEP THREE – Do Some Self-Reflection

This would be a good time to look at what you crossed off and ask yourself what made those things Majors for you in the past?  Was it your own impatience?  Was it your need to control?  Was it a need to win battles with little people?  Was it fear of them failing?  Was it the embarrassment of what others might think of your parenting if your kids acted imperfectly?  By asking these questions we’ll oftentimes discover that our own personal issues, fears, and insecurities have been causing many of the unneeded battles with our kids.  Maybe we never had a “problem child” but rather a “problem ego!”

STEP FOUR- Let It Go

Just like the annoyingly memorable song from Frozen, we have to learn to let go of the things we formerly considered Majors.  We will be tempted to return to the old list, harping on things that we wish were different.  Bad habits die hard, so we will have to be aware of our tendency to glare, scold, command, frown, and punish our kids over things that, in the grand scheme of things, really don’t matter nearly as much as our kid’s hearts.  We’ll have to let our preferences go unfulfilled and some of our expectations unmet.  We’ll have to bite our tongue sometimes.  We’ll often have to hide our disappointment.  For the sake of relational closeness and harmony.

STEP FIVE – Enjoy Each Other

With the number of household battles potentially reduced by 90%, you’ll have much more time and opportunity to enjoy one another!  By not sparring with them all the time perhaps you’ll start to see them as precious people with their own unique personalities, rather than your biggest disappointment.  Perhaps you’ll discover who God made them to be, how He wired them, and what matters to them.  Conversely, by not perceiving you as their constant critic or micromanager, they might also gain an interest in getting to know you, your heart, and what matters to you.  Influence flows from relational harmony and mutual respect, and as I’ve blogged about before, influence is a much better parental strategy than control.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR COUPLES

I’ve written the above from the standpoint of a single parent, relating to a single child.  But what about couples?  What if their lists of Majors are not exactly the same?  Three thoughts.

• Everything above still applies to married parents.  Most of your interactions with your children happen one-on-one, between one parent and a child during the course of the day.  If you improve your personal relationship with each of your kids, reducing the battles you have with them, the whole family benefits.
• There certainly will be areas where the parents will have to agree on household rules, i.e. acceptable expectations for children no matter which parent is present.  Wise couples will have conversations about what rules are worth battling with kids over and which can be let go of.  When agreement can’t be reached, commit it to prayer and consult with others who may offer insight.  Be intentional, not hasty, when possible.
• Sometimes a decision needs to be made without reaching parental consensus.  Keep in mind that, scripturally, the husband is ultimately held responsible in the eyes of God for the well-being of his family, and that his leadership is to flow out of his own sacrificial love for his wife and children.

FLEXIBILITY IS THE KEY

• The list of Majors will change somewhat over time and most household rules should remain flexible.  Always be open to reasonable feedback from any household member.  Ultimately, the parents are in charge, but everyone’s input should be valued and considered.  As family dynamics change and as kids grow older the expectations should also change accordingly.
• Adjust rules according to the current needs of the moment.  For example, when the baby isn’t sleeping, everyone can be loud.  Or when a tidy mom is on a trip, dad and the kids shouldn’t have to keep the house immaculate–until just before she returns!  Make sure the rules in force always serve a useful purpose and are not arbitrary.

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the previous four posts–and this one–I  elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust. 

4. Verbalize values.

5. Emancipate strategically.

At first glance, the thought of “kicking the kids out of the home” might seem antithetical to parents having a positive influence on them, but I contend that this is one of the most important components of influence.

When we strategically parent our kids with their eventual independence as our goal they will be much better equipped to manage their own lives wisely.  That, after all, is the goal of our influence.  As I say quite often, our aim should be to raise adults, not kids.  And let’s aim for well-prepared adults!

Much of what I blog about relates to this, so I’ll let those posts speak for themselves.

Strategically emancipating our kids can involve the following:

• Decreasing parental control
• Giving kids increasing levels of responsibility as they age, including chores, and managing their own homework, diet, and sleep
• Teaching them to manage their own money by giving them hefty allowances
• Making them purchase their own car
• Making them clean up their own messes
• Trusting their ability to  solve their own problems
• Allowing them to fail (actually loving it when they fail!) so they learn from their failures
• Teaching them life skills so they can thrive without us
• Working ourselves out of a job, accepting empty nester-hood

Thank for reading these five posts on Optimizing our Influence.  I hope you found some of the concepts helpful.

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the past three posts, this post, and the following post I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust..

4. Verbalize values.

Many things are more caught than taught, but some things simply need to be taught.

Scripture gives the Israelites this instruction: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise…You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7 & 9; emphasis mine).

It is clear that God expects us to proactively provide spiritual nurturing and instruction to our children; it’s our duty as parents to pass on to our children a legacy of faith.  Transferring our faith to the next generation involves living it authentically before them (as mentioned in the first post of this series) as well as instructing them accurately.

This spiritual instruction includes not only telling them what we believe but–in light of today’s accessibility to alternate worldviews–it’s equally important to explain why we believe as we do and why we reject other views.  We must show that our faith holds up to scrutiny when compared to other belief systems; therefore, we can’t afford to espouse a blind faith that comes across as having our heads in the sand!

It warmed my heart this week to get an email from a college freshman, who had been wrestling with how to explain the Trinity to a Muslim classmate.  She ended up turning to her dad for advice on how to communicate this complex subject to her questioning friend.  His perspective on the topic was exactly what she needed.  That’s what this post is talking about!

Parents who don’t feel confident answering tough questions about spirituality have many great resources available to help supplement their spiritual instruction.  The church can certainly help with this, as can worldview training organizations, such as Summit.org.

Besides theological instruction, parents also need to thoroughly teach our kids about the culture in which we live.  This is a world that bombards our kids with a million false ideas, distorted perspectives, and flat-out lies.  Incessantly.  Aggressively.  Relentlessly.

As parents, we must take care to verbalize our beliefs and views on all sorts of topics.  If we don’t provide a running commentary on what our kids are seeing, hearing, learning, and reading our silence effectively hands over the microphone to our culture.

C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying, “The most dangerous ideas in a society are not the ones being argued, but the ones that are assumed.”  This is so true.  We need to start calling out the sins that the world normalizes rather than let these views slip by without questioning them.  

Fortunately, our culture doesn’t hide its views, giving us plenty of faulty assumptions to talk to our kids about!  If you wonder where to look, you can start with the 6 o’clock news, or Superbowl commercials, or game shows, or video games, or blockbuster movies.  All of them provide volumes of values to talk about.  Every day our kids are being taught specific views about politics, morality, definitions of family, human dignity, justice, success, suffering, etc.  Don’t you want to weigh in on those topics?  Then talk about them!  Kids can’t consider our point of view on things if we don’t discuss them.  (As a bonus, by viewing our culture mindfully, we may discover how some of our culture’s assumptions have subtly tainted our own thinking!)

But we can’t just be “reactive” to our culture.  In some cases, we need to get in the “first word” so the world’s distorted views are seen in proper context from the get-go.  For example, it was important to me to be that I be the one to inform our daughters about human sexuality and reproduction–in the context of these subjects being beautiful designs of God which are to be enjoyed only within marriage.  I didn’t want their first awareness of these important topics to come from the mouth of a “values-free” 5th-grade health teacher.

To be sure, some conversations will come earlier than we would have wished, and some will be admittedly awkward.  Let that not be an excuse for you to abdicate your parental responsibility of truth-telling.

Finally, it must be said that as much as we may wish to determine our kids’ values this is beyond our control.  Our goal is influence, not coercion. Ultimately, our kids will need to decide for themselves what they will believe about God, themselves, and the world they live in.  Our parental job is to expose them to truth, teach them what we have come to believe and why, etc, but we’ll be wise not to try to force them to believe any of it.  Faith must be chosen, just as love must.  We must be careful to avoid pressure or manipulation.  To prevent this, let’s allow them space to grapple with truth, wrestle with doubts, and ask us hard questions whenever they want.

Here’s an account of a values-laden conversation I had with my daughters ten years ago.  It gives some examples of how I used the current culture to discuss truth with them.

Hopefully, this post has encouraged you to have serious conversations with your kids about the things that really matter.  If you don’t, someone else will!

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the final Influence Optimizer!