My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 1 of 7)

“I-statements” sometimes backfire.

We counselors commonly encourage our clients to use “I-statements” rather than “you-statements.”    I’ve taught this communication skill over the years as an effective way to express feelings while avoiding blaming the other person.  For example, when frustrated, I should talk about how I’m feeling rather than what you’re doing wrong.

But I’ve realized lately that there are times when “I statements” actually cause more harm than good.   In such cases, it’s better to use “you-statements.”

One such time is when making apologies.   I’ve written a lot about apologies over the years, but it was only recently that I realized that I-statements make for poor apologies.  We typically say something like this:

  • I was a jerk.
  • I forgot.
  • I should have been more sensitive.
  • I drank too much.
  • I was a terrible husband.
  • I didn’t control my temper.
  • I didn’t manage my time properly.
  • I didn’t listen like I should have.
  • I’m sorry.

At first glance, it seems that “calling myself out” like this equates to a good apology.   Am I not being humble and contrite?  Am I not taking responsibility for my bad behavior?   Yes, but something crucial is missing in these statements.

What’s missing is you.  Look how self-centered I am in each of the above apology statements.  It’s all about me.  The summary of it all is “Look how bad I am.”   What’s missing is any mention of you–the victim of my mistreatment.

It would be better to center the apology around you.

  • You suffered disrespectful treatment when I was such a jerk to you.
  • You were inconvenienced when I forgot.
  • You were wounded by my insensitivity.
  • You were frightened and made to feel insecure by my alcohol misuse.
  • A wife deserves to be treated better by her husband.
  • Your dignity was insulted when I lost my temper.
  • You felt unheard and unimportant when I didn’t listen to you.
  • You deserve more than a simple “I’m sorry”.

In my counseling office, what I refer to as a “full-orbed apology” contains these six “you-centered” elements:

  1. You were hurt in these specific ways (name them) by what I did.
  2. I feel genuine remorse and am embarrassed by what I did to you.
  3. If there’s any way I can make it up to you I will.
  4. I have learned from this failure of mine what I need to change to care for you better
  5. I commit to treating you better in the future as a result of my failure.
  6. I’m indebted to you, and I hope in time, you will be able to forgive me.

So the next time you fail (and you will!) why not try you-statements instead of I-statements.  My guess is that you’ll find it works much more effectively in repairing the damage you caused.

Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers.

I originally wrote this essay in 2011 when I was a youth pastor.  As I read through it again recently, I was struck by how the passing of time has only deepened my conviction about these principles.   In this revision, I’ve made a few minor tweaks.  And, for those interested, I have added links to related essays I’ve written over the years.


Someone re-posted on Facebook a parenting article by John Piper that has caused me some reflection.  The excellent piece was originally written in 1993 and is entitled, “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad” (I’ve pasted it below).

Families would certainly experience much harmony if teens would willfully choose to adopt these resolutions. However, a mistake would be for us parents to try to demand, manipulate, or coerce our kids to adhere to such a list.  (The fact that the list was created by a parent–John Piper–rather than a conscience-stricken teenager makes it feel just a little coercive to me.)  Just as love must be chosen, so must be our kids’ commitments.  And like it or not, such things are largely out of our control.

The hidden danger of Piper’s list is that it might only serve to make parents frustrated with their kids’ shortcomings.  It would be more useful for us to brainstorm about the kinds of commitments we might make to our teens–something over which we have total control!

If parents would take the first steps in committing to relate to our kids in a safe, respectful, nurturing way, I think the chances of our kids adopting a list like Piper’s would be high.  So with that in mind, here’s my list of…

“Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers”.

  1. Resolved: to influence you spiritually by devoting myself to knowing God more deeply and living authentically with integrity.
  2. Resolved: to love God first and my spouse and you children second.
  3. Resolved: to take responsibility to be your primary spiritual shepherd.
  4. Resolved: to always tell you the truth, so you have reason to trust my leadership.
  5. Resolved: not to allow work, recreation, or other involvements, to distract me from being a good parent.
  6. Resolved: to always view you as a precious, yet temporary entrustment from God.
  7. Resolved: to protect you, but not be overprotective or controlling.
  8. Resolved: to continuously nudge you toward becoming a responsible adult, ultimately working myself out of a job.
  9. Resolved: that my satisfaction in being a parent will not fulfill some detrimental sense of needing to feel needed.
  10. Resolved: to gradually let go of you over time and avoid excessive hovering, rescuing, and clinging to you.
  11. Resolved: to give you as much freedom and as many choices as you prove capable of handling, allowing you to learn from your failures.
  12. Resolved: to always treat you with dignity and respect even if I disagree with some of your choices and values.
  13. Resolved: to genuinely listen to you, seeking to understand your point of view.
  14. Resolved: never to pressure you to fulfill my unachieved dreams nor to meet some unfulfilled need stemming from my own upbringing.
  15. Resolved: to teach you many of the life skills that will help you function independently.
  16. Resolved: to help you discover your God-given talents and skills and to invest in their development.
  17. Resolved: to allow you to pursue your own suitable interests and hobbies.
  18. Resolved: never to compare you to other people’s kids or pressure you to be a superkid.
  19. Resolved: to help you prioritize your involvements, with the things of God taking priority over the things of the world.
  20. Resolved: to invest generously in providing you opportunities for spiritual growth.
  21. Resolved: to help you learn wise financial responsibility by giving you money to practice with.
  22. Resolved: to speak honestly, straightforwardly, and privately to you about any concerns I have — avoiding sarcasm, inferences, subtle hints, nagging, overgeneralizations, labeling, venting and triangulation.
  23. Resolved: never to intentionally embarrass you in front of others or slander you.
  24. Resolved: to highlight publicly your good qualities as well as those of your generation.
  25. Resolved: to major on the majors and minor on the minors.
  26. Resolved: not to expect your very best all the time but rather that which is reasonable for the moment, knowing that  no one (myself included) can give 100% simultaneously to every area of life.
  27. Resolved: that my acceptance of you not be performance based, but rather grace oriented.
  28. Resolved to allow you to fail, learn from your mistakes, and solve your own problems.
  29. Resolved: to be consistent in my rules and disciplining.
  30. Resolved: to treat you and your siblings individually according to your needs rather than equally, and to be ready to explain any apparent differences in treatment.
  31. Resolved: to seriously consider your feedback about the fairness of my rules, chores, discipline, etc.
  32. Resolved: to set family chores that are reasonable, based on everyone’s ability and availability.
  33. Resolved: not to make arbitrary rules, but rather ones that are purposeful.
  34. Resolved: to communicate the “why” behind things as often as possible.
  35. Resolved: never to say “Because I said so.”
  36. Resolved: to administer natural consequences that are appropriate to the offense, not arbitrary punishments that merely put you in your place or inflict pain.
  37. Resolved: to never discipline you out of anger or when I’m emotionally dysregulated.  I will give myself a time-out to cool down first.
  38. Resolved: to encourage your successes and give you empathy for your failures.
  39. Resolved: to say “Yes” every time I can and to only say “No” when necessary.  And to avoid the asking “Why“.
  40. Resolved: to treat you with the same respect that I expect from you, putting my requests of you in the form of polite questions as often as possible and use the imperative only when necessary.
  41. Resolved: to say “Please” and “Thank You”, extending you the same courtesy I would request from you.
  42. Resolved: never to use my power and authority in an authoritarian way and never to treat you like property or a household slave.
  43. Resolved: to be willing to show remorse when I’m wrong and be quick to apologize when needed.
  44. Resolved: to give you clear instructions on what I expect from you.
  45. Resolved: to acknowledge the difficulties of being a teenager and love you unconditionally in the midst of them.
  46. Resolved: to acknowledge your feelings even when they may not seem sensible to me.
  47. Resolved: to call you by affectionate titles that are honoring and not embarrassing or derisive.
  48. Resolved: never to pressure you to behave a certain way just to make me look good.
  49. Resolved:  to not need you for any selfish motive of mine.
  50. Resolved: to try my best to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the best about you.
  51. Resolved: that whenever you violate my trust I will work with you to find opportunities to rebuild my trust in you.
  52. Resolved: to give 10 compliments for every criticism and that every criticism I do give is constructive.
  53. Resolved: to encourage you to reach your potential, but not to withhold my love if you don’t.
  54. Resolved: to believe in you.
  55. Resolved to be a friend to you.

Mark


Here is Piper’s list, titled “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad.”  Teens: there’s much wisdom here if you can accept it!  He really describes what being a godly teen looks like in very practical ways.

  • Resolved: I will obey your instructions and do what I know you expect of me, even when it is not mentioned. I will not force you into repeated reminders, which I sometimes call nagging.
  • Resolved: I will not grumble or complain when I do my chores, but remember what a great thing it is to have a family and a home and clothes and food and running water and electric light and central heating in a world where millions of teenagers have none of these.
  • Resolved: When I think your demands are unfair, I will move to do them first, and after showing an obedient attitude, I will ask if we can talk. Then I will explain my side and try to understand yours.
  • Resolved: I will not stonewall you and give you the silent treatment, which I dislike when my friends do it to me. If I am depressed and want to be left alone, I will say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now. Can we talk later? I’m not mad; I just need to be alone.”
  • Resolved: When I do something wrong and let you down, I will apologize sincerely with words that you can hear. Something like: “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up the pile of clothes.”
  • Resolved: I will call you by affectionate family titles, like “mommy” or “daddy”, or “mom” or “dad”. And I won’t let other kids pressure me into calling you nothing, or calling you something disrespectful as though true affection were embarrassing or childish.
  • Resolved: I will say thank you again and again for the ordinary things you do for me. I will not take them for granted as though you were my slave.
  • Resolved: I will talk about my feelings. Both the positive ones (like happiness, pity, excitement, sympathy, etc.) and the negative ones (like anger, fear, grief, loneliness, discouragement, etc.). I will remember that unshared feelings lead to estrangement and coldness and even more loneliness and discouragement.
  • Resolved: I will laugh with the family and not at the family. I will especially laugh when my little brother or sister tells a simple joke with expectant excitement.
  • Resolved: I will give two compliments for every criticism. And every criticism will aim to help someone improve, not just belittle or cut down.
  • Resolved: I will enter into family devotions and treat Bible reading and prayer with respect and do my part to help others in the family enjoy them. When I don’t feel spiritually strong, I will pray about this as a personal need rather than pouring it on others as a glass of cold water. I will remember that confessed weakness knits hearts together.
  • Resolved: I will not return evil for evil or try to justify my meanness because somebody treated me meanly first.
  • Resolved: I will read my Bible and pray every day even if is only a verse and a brief call for help. I know that teens cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.
  • Resolved: I will come home at the time we agreed on. If something happens to stop me, I will call and explain and ask your guidance.
  • Resolved: I will greet our guests with courtesy and respect and try to make them glad they came.
  • Resolved: I will always tell the truth so that you can trust me and give me more and more freedom as I get older.

Pastor John
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/teenage-resolutions-for-mom-and-dad

Raising kids who can parent you

This past June, Cindy and I spent three weeks in China visiting our daughter, Lexi, who has lived there since 2020.  She’s the band teacher at an English-speaking K-12 international school.  We delighted to finally see her in her “natural habitat” as I jokingly called it.

She put us up in her donut-themed apartment, we got to fellowship with her wonderful teacher friends, and we explored the “village” where she lives (a little town of 7 million).  During our last half of the trip she gave us a grand tour of scenic spots throughout central China.  She flew us to Xi’an where we saw the astounding Terracotta Warriors and other cultural sites from the first Chinese dynasty.  Then she transported us to Beijing on the bullet train, which traveled a whopping 200 mph.  There, we toured Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City, Olympic Park, and our favorite, The Great Wall.  On the train ride back to her “village,”  she surprised us, having us deboard early, at the concentration camp where my running hero died–1924 Olympic medalist Eric Liddell, (he later became a missionary to China and was captured by the invading Japanese). 

During the whole trip, Lexi paid for and took care of absolutely everything.   We were impressed with how culturally and technologically adept she was.  By tapping a few clicks on her phone she could call us a taxi  (a “DiDi”) and it would usually arrive within two minutes.  She’d wave her phone at QR codes to pay for literally everything.  She’d routinely order groceries which would be waiting at the gate when we arrived.   Here’s a classic example of her technological prowess:  the day of the faculty talent show, she asked if I wanted to play my musical saw.   I said I would except for two problems: I didn’t have a bow and I didn’t have a saw.  Her school had a bow, she said, and after a few clicks on her phone, a new saw was delivered to her school literally 40 minutes later!  Excuses gone, I played for the event!

Lexi fed us, transported us, housed us in hotels, fed us amazing food, took us all over:  shopping, souveniring, to movie theaters, to an acrobatic show, cherry picking in the countryside, and even brought us to the Chinese version of the dollar store!   At one point, it dawned on me that we were absolutely and utterly dependent on her.  She was arranging and paying for everything and we had no responsibilities whatsoever.  Without her, we would have been completely lost, helpless and vulnerable.  She was the provider; we were the needy recipients.  What a role reversal:  we were the helpless children and she was the providing and protective parent.

And then, I thought, that’s exactly how it should be.   I’ve written many times about the importance of teaching life skills to our kids.  But I never before considered that my kids’ life skills might exceed my own.  Come to think of it, they should!   Someday, when I’m old and starting to lose mental or physical abilities, I’ll be glad to have kids who can make sure I’m being taken care of.

I got a taste of that in China.

People are precious

I conceptualized this essay 18 months ago, but recent events in our family have shown me that it’s time to flesh out my thoughts.

My view is that people are fundamentally precious.  Genesis declares humans to be made in God’s image, after his likeness.   In Ephesians 2, Paul declares us to be God’s workmanship, a masterpiece.   As a kid in the 70s, I first learned this from a wall hanging in our church’s youth center:  “God don’t make no junk!”

Our culture seems to have forgotten that people are precious.  This is most clearly seen in politics, both by the politicians themselves as well as their ardent followers.   The derogatory things people say about their political opponents simply astounds me.  On both sides of the aisle, rarely is there any semblance of civility and decency toward one’s opponents.  Rather than critique policies that are seen as harmful, political speeches are more often laden with ad hominin attacks on their opponent’s worth.   I always found it ironic when politicians who defended the sanctity of life for the unborn, showed no sanctity toward the life of their full-grown opponents.

And of course, it’s not just politics;  social media is replete with vile, derogatory comments toward disabled people, minorities, non-minorities, and pretty much any people category that can be named.  Iowa’s record-breaking women’s basketball star is praised by many, but also relentlessly criticized and made sport of (pun intended).   Our outrage culture encourages derogatory treatment of anyone who is different than me.

A neighbor once introduced his kids to me as his “brats,” right in front of them.  He didn’t even give their names until I asked.  Those kids will likely live up to the expectations of their dad’s self-fulfilling prophecy.   How different this is from Psalm 127:3-5, which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

Sadly, kids are often seen not as precious, but as problems — and America’s declining birth rate reflects this view.  Many people simply don’t want to be bothered with children.  Today, I just watched the movie “The Forge,” which is about a lazy teenager, Isaiah, who learned responsibility after adults showed him the folly of his ways.  But what I found troubling was that throughout the movie, Isaiah was treated as a problem child that needed reforming rather than as a precious person worth understanding and getting to know.

If there’s any place where a person should be seen as precious, it should be within the family.  Yet sometimes this is where it’s most difficult.  I do a lot of marriage and family counseling and this loss of preciousness is often at the core of family problems.  I wrote recently that spouses can adopt “villainous views”” of each other, forgetting the preciousness they saw on their wedding day.

And lest you think I’m only calling out others, despite my convictions I don’t always treat everyone as precious.  I was recently humbled about this very thing;  a former youth group parent called me out for ignoring and devaluing her son over thirty years ago.  She was right about my neglectful treatment.  I was very embarrassed to be told this, but was glad for the opportunity to confess my sin to her.  And it was a sobering reminder of how all of us can forget the preciousness of people and how hurtful that can be.

So what will help us improve our treatment of people?  Here are five things that may help.

  1. Straighten out your thinking.  Are there people in your life that you’ve come to view as problems rather than as precious?  Forsake that mindset.  As a counselor I see dozens of hurting people every week, and when they walk in my office door, I aim to view them as precious and treat them that way.  It is not a diagnosis that is walking in my door, it is fundamentally a precious person.
  2. Separate behavior from personhood.  To say that people are precious is not to say that people are always likeable and well-behaved.  Being precious doesn’t mean being faultless.  Scripture declares that when Adam fell, we all acquired a sin nature;  the image of God in us has been tainted.   But we can address bad behaviors while simultaneously treating the person as valuable.  My neighbor would do well to avoid labeling his ill-behaved children by their bad behavior.  Calling your kid a “lazy good-for-nothing” will likely 1. push him away from you, 2. reinforce these bad behavioral expectations, and 3. cause long-term damage to your child’s self-concept.  Calling out bad behaviors and choices can be accomplished while still affirming their preciousness.
  3. Serving badly behaving people helps people feel precious.  I love the recorded historical account of the early church father named, Polycarp.   When he was 86 years old, the Roman guards came to his house late at night to haul him off for execution (burning at the stake).  But before going with them, “he gave orders that a table should be spread for them to eat and drink at that hour, as much as they desired.”  What dignity he showed even to those who were sent to kill him!
  4. Treating people as precious is the best way to get them to act precious.  From a practical standpoint, if we want people to behave better, treating them as precious is more likely to produce change than treating them as villains.
  5. Sometimes we don’t think about how precious people are until they are gone.  That’s certainly how I feel about my 16-year-old niece Audrey, who lately has been prone to run away.   I wish she could see how precious she is to her family, friends, and most of all, to God.  This post was a good reminder to me that I need to work on always treating her as precious no matter what she does.  I miss you Audrey!

Two of my favorite words

Communication is an essential ingredient to healthy relationships.  Today, I want to share two powerful words I added to my vocabulary decades ago that have kept my relationships healthy.  I hope these two words will help you too.

But first, one word NOT to use.

When we use the word why with others it almost always backfires, resulting, not in connection, but rather in defensiveness, pushback, and negative interactions.

  • Billy, why are you always so disrespectful to me?
  • Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
  • Jake, why do you refuse to come right home after work?

There are at least two reasons to avoid why:

  • We often use why as an attack and not as an honest question.  You can see this in the illustrations above.  We might not be asking a real question–which is disingenuous–but instead might be declaring our conclusions, having already made assumptions about what’s going on.
  • For many of us, the word why is a “trigger word,” instantly making us feel we are under interrogation.   Interrogation puts us in fight-or-flight mode and naturally makes us defensive.  Why makes us feel like we’re on trial and being in the courtroom makes us anxious about being punished.  And we’ll do just about anything to avoid punishment.

To avoid creating such a scenario, I suggest replacing why with two powerful words that I learned decades ago:  observe and curious.    Here’s how they would have worked in the above illustrations.

  • Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to help around the house.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way.
  • Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m interested to know what is causing you to treat him that way.
  • Jake, I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming home later and later.  I’m curious to understand what might be making you so slow about coming home after work.

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.

Observe and curious (or their equivalents) are not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding; they take us to the classroom, not the courtroom.  When someone notices me and is curious about what’s going on with me I feel honored, not threatened.

OBSERVE simply states the facts we’ve perceived (without judgment).

CURIOUS  shows our interest in understanding the other person.

Avoiding why and using these other words forces us to be honoring rather than suspicious.  We’re suspending judgment, giving benefit of the doubt, gathering perspective, and demonstrating teachability.  It shows that we’re interested in knowing the other person more than accusing them, condemning them, shaming them, or manipulating them.  These words force us to delay judgment until after we’ve gained understanding first.  They help build relational bridges of connection rather than walls of opposition.

In short, your life will be changed by replacing why with observe and curious.

Do I observe some skepticism about that?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying!

 

[Note: in case you’re curious, this is a revision of a post I wrote back in 2007, and I’m as committed as ever to these powerful words!]

Not getting divorced doesn’t mean your kids aren’t being raised in a broken home

I’ve met many Christians who are determined to never get a divorce due to their biblical convictions, but I find the goal of simply not getting divorced to be extremely short-sighted.  I’m not here to make a case for or against divorce, but my point here is that there are many seemingly “intact” marriages that are so unhealthy that their kids can only be described as growing up in a broken home.

Kids thrive best in a stable, loving, secure home with a mom and a dad who love them and love each other.   A mentor of mine said decades ago that the best gift you can give your kids is to display love for your spouse.  I agree.

Here are two scenarios that in my view constitute a broken marriage.

Lack of Affection.  Over a decade ago, I wrote about the importance of affection in marriage.  My views haven’t changed.  Most marriages begin with affection, but many couples lose it along the way.  Do we who are married show our kids that marriage is a delight or do they see ours as a loveless, contractual arrangement where we parents simply co-exist?  If our wedding vows have morphed into “I will tolerate you ’till death do us part,” what would compel our kids to ever want to make wedding vows at all?   So many couples function as roommates rather than lovers, which falls short of God’s design for marriage (e.g., Song of Solomon).  Plus, affectionless marriages naturally cause worry that affection may be sought outside the marriage, raising insecurities for the whole family.  The stakes are high.  If you are in a loveless marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling to recover that affection!  How healing it would be for your kids to witness the rekindling of your affection.

Adversarial Relationship.  The concerns expressed above rise exponentially when parents display an adversarial relationship toward one other.   Parents, to whom kids look to instill safety, stability, and security in the home, instead instill fears and insecurities when they yell, swear, insult, criticize, get defensive, withdraw, or show contempt toward their spouse in front of the kids.  Do you know that parents are by far the greatest influence on their children?  That’s why when parents model destructive ways of interacting with others, kids often follow their example.  And all this hostility in the home makes it more likely these kids will develop chronic fear, depression, and anxiety disorders.  The stakes are high.  If you are in an adversarial marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling.   Let your kids have a front-row seat as you repent and repair your marriage, being transformed from adversaries to allies.

In summary, simply avoiding divorce is not sufficient.  If your unhealthy marriage is harming you and your kids, take the step to get marriage counseling.  If you live in Iowa, I have a great place to recommend!  My colleagues and I would love to help you!

How to make your wife and kids feel unneeded.

child-1160862_640How to make your wife and kids feel unneeded…

It’s quite simple, really–hardly worth even blogging about.  You pull them aside and you just say these four words, “I don’t need you.”

But feel free to be more creative if you like.

Personally, I prefer using the phrase, “I have no need of you.” Somehow it sounds a little more theatric, yet it accomplishes the same thing.  I’ve used that phrase often with my family over the past 29 years.

If you don’t believe me go ahead and ask them yourself!

Now before you call DHS, indicting me for shattering my girls’ fragile self-esteems, let me explain why we should be telling our family members that we don’t need them.

There are five reasons why I suggest we not tell them we need them.

  1. It’s not helpful to others.  It’s much more important to tell them we want them.  I am always clear to communicate “I want you,” “I cherish you,” “I delight in you,” “I enjoy you,” “I like being with you,” etc. — even while using my epic line “I have no need of you.”  Communicating “I want you” tells them that they are desirable, lovable, interesting, and treasured.  They don’t need to be needed, but they do need to be valued.
  2. It manipulates others.  Making them feel needed, can create an unhealthy sense of co-dependency, where their identity and worth are defined by how well they meet the expectations of others.  I know people whose entire adult lives have been consumed with having to please other people.  It feels like enslavement because it is.
  3. It sets us up for interpersonal conflict.  Viewing our loved one as a “need” puts us in the position of consumer with them being our provider.  It creates high expectations, where our happiness depends on their performance.  Such expectations easily cause us to manipulate others, pressuring them to provide what we think we need.  This “you owe me” attitude is a setup for serious marriage, family, and friendship conflicts.  Some may comply with our demands for a while, but most will eventually pull away relationally, causing a wall between us.
  4. It’s a deviation from what is true.  I believe that God is truly our only real need; everything else is merely a want.  This mindset encapsulates the very first of my 40 Life Resolutions: “God is my only true need.”   Everything else pales in comparison.  I would redesign Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” with God at the top and a “Hierarchy of Wants” underneath.  If God is truly the giver and sustainer of life — both now and for eternity–then the Christian technically needs nothing else.  Period.  Not even oxygen–in fact, being deprived of that will make us more alive than ever before.
  5. It’s a setup for our own devastation. We must not remove God from his rightful place as the one who satisfies us. If we do, viewing our loved ones as what we really need, this is idolatry.  It is also a setup for deep disappointment, despair, and bitterness should we ever lose our loved ones to death, disability, deficiency, distancing, or desertion.   Let me expound on each.
  • Death.  We have no guarantees.  Life is fragile.  We live in a fallen, precarious world.  Our family members are mortal.  It’s conceivable that the God who gave us our loved ones could choose to take them away. How would we handle that?  I’ve seen two responses.  Those who saw their deceased family member as a “need that they’ve been robbed of” invariably shake their fists at God and descend into a dark tunnel of bitterness.  I’ve seen parents lose one child and then become so bitter that the surviving children lose their parents (emotionally) for the next 10 years.  How unnecessarily tragic!  On the other hand, I’ve seen families lose a child yet praise God for the precious years they had together.  Although they grieved their terrible loss, they were eventually able to press forward, knowing that their child’s earthly presence wasn’t something they “needed” in order to be joyful.  In my daily prayers for my family I tell God, “Help me to treasure my family more and more, yet hold them looser and looser.”  If and when they are taken away–it’ll be hard, but it’ll be ok.
  • Disability.  We can probably all think of marriages that dissolved after one spouse became disabled.  A Christ-centered marriage shouldn’t depend on our spouse’s physical prowess or functionality.  “He (or She) didn’t meet my needs” should never be an excuse for splitting up.  That’s not what Christlike, unconditional love is.  “In sickness and in health, till death do us part” is the commitment that was made.  Thankfully, our spiritual disabilities don’t keep Jesus from loving us.  We can’t need others to function as we wish they would.
  • Deficiency.  Parents often “need” their children to be star athletes, musicians, performers, scholars, etc.  This then becomes a point of contention when kids don’t live up to their potential.  Parents sometimes derive their own esteem from their kids’ performance or try to live out their own unreached dreams through their kids.  This pressure adds stress to kids’ lives and often builds walls between parents and kids.  If parents stopped “needing” their kids to be something the parents want, perhaps these parents could help their kids explore who God wants them to be.  Better to find out who the kids actually are, not who you want them to be.
  • Distancing  Kids naturally pull away relationally from “needy” parents.  Unfortunately, when this occurs, these parents often resort to blame and shame, nagging and scolding as attempts to try to get them back.  Such manipulation always backfires and pushes them further. So many fractured families are the result of this. We also can’t need our kids to be physically close.  For example, we have to be ok if God calls our kids to move to China or to Africa for the next 20 years.  As much as we might want our future grandkids to grow up close to us we can’t need it.   Thankfully, we can be perfectly joyful and content even when we don’t have all the things we ideally would want!
  • Desertion.  Kids who abandon the beliefs, values, or lifestyles of their parents can cause devastation for parents who “needed” their kids to stay true to the faith.  These parents often try to scold, nag, or pressure their kids to come back to the fold, which ironically has the opposite effect.  On the other hand, parents whose joy doesn’t depend on their kids’ choices are free to live their own lives abundantly.  Though they will certainly remain grieved and concerned about their child’s choices and well-being, that doesn’t prevent them from worshiping, serving God, and taking care of themselves.  Ironically, the best thing a concerned parent can do to influence their wayward kids is not to attack their waywardness, but rather joyfully trust God and love others amidst heartbreak.  A genuine, unwavering, and unshakable faith may be the very thing that influences their kids to come back to the fold.

So do yourself, your wife, and your kids a favor by telling them you don’t need them!  It’ll transform your life and theirs!  And then tell God that He’s all you’ve ever really needed.

[Please note that in this article I’m using the word, “need,” in a technical or literal sense.  I recognize that “need” is also commonly used in a more figurative or pragmatic sense, such as, “We need to work together as a team,” or “I need help making supper.”   I take no issue with such “needs”!  Yet I have found it helpful to limit my use of the word “need,” substituting “want” or “would like” whenever possible as a way to ensure I don’t fall into any of the pitfalls listed above.]

[This was a revision of the original post from 2016.  I consider this one of my most important topics.]

Why I think you should give your kids HEFTY allowances! (Part 2)

[This is an update from a post I did in 2018].

In Part 1, I made the case for why I believe every kid should be given an allowance.   Scroll down and read that post first if you haven’t already.

Today I want to make the case for giving responsible kids HEFTY allowances.

Someone will say, “But we don’t have any extra money in our budget to start paying our kids hefty allowances.”  I’m not suggesting you add even $1 to your overall family budget.  I’m merely suggesting you transfer some of the money you’re already spending on raising your kids–to them!

Think about it–right now, you’re already spending a certain amount of money to buy them treats, gifts, clothes, fashion accessories, cosmetics, games, entertainment, etc.  How about handing them some of that same money and letting them pay for some of their own expenses!  This will lighten your load and teach them a lot about managing themselves.

Realizing that every family’s amounts will be different, let me share how it worked in our house.  We paid our girls $1 a week for each year of their age.   That means when they were three, we gave them $156 a year and by the time they were 18, that had increased to an annual amount of $936. That may sound like a lot, but it’s really not, compared to the total cost of raising a child.

Six considerations

  1. We made them put 10% of it in their savings bank and 10% in their “Jesus bank” to take to church periodically to put in the offering.  From the earliest age, we wanted our kids to learn the importance of generous living and wise saving.  (Savings money could only be used for investments that we parents agreed were worthy ones:  e.g., musical instruments, computers, major school trips, cars, etc.)
  2. Their remaining *80% of “discretionary” money, was theirs to spend as they chose–for the most part.
  3. Parents will need to restrict what purchases are–or are not–allowed based on their own values.  Examples of “outlawed” purchases might be explicit music or violent video games.  Be sure to major on the majors though, and don’t be afraid of letting them waste their money!  (For years our 8-year-old daughter Lexi would spend all of her weekly allowances on frivolous purchases, living from “paycheck to paycheck.”  Then one day she decided she wanted an American Girl doll.  She started saving almost all of her allowance for the next 6 months and when that doll arrived, it was a hard-earned treasure.  She learned an important lesson on how “the best things come to those who wait”–a lesson she’s never forgotten!)
  4. Each year on their birthday, they would get an increase in allowance, and often be informed of new things they would need to start purchasing for themselves.  Parents would do well to envision how much much financial responsibility they would want their kids to have on their first day of college and work towards that.
  5. Depending on the age and situation, parents might physically dole out cash or transfer amounts into an account–perhaps even a debit card.  Admittedly this takes some time and effort, but the benefits from creating financially responsible and independent kids make it worth the effort.
  6. As I’ve blogged about elsewhere, allowance money can easily be deducted from the child’s next “paycheck” to pay for fines, consequences, unfinished **chores, etc.  No arguments are required!

What kids might pay.

  • Here is a list of expenses kids might be expected to pay for, starting from age three and progressing through high school:
    • Small Toys, snacks, candy–anything the 3-year-old might beg for at Walmart!
    • Hobbies and crafts (slime comes to mind!)
    • Pet expenses (100%–food, cages, shots, etc.)
    • Bikes, scooters, etc. (parents might choose to pay for safety equipment, helmets, etc.)
    • Electronic games (including batteries, accessories, etc.)
    • Entertainment (movies, bowling, books, magazines, etc.)
    • Hot school lunches (if they don’t want to pack their own)
    • Netflix or other streaming services (e.g., parents could charge a fee per movie or show watched to help defray the entertainments bills)
    • Room decorations (paint, themes, accessories, etc.)
    • Clothes/shoes (anything beyond the basics–they pay for unneeded clothes or expensive name brands)
    • Cosmetics/accessories/toiletries (anything beyond the basics of deodorant, essential hygiene items, etc.)
    • Haircuts/hairstyling
    • School/church trips, proms, club sports (a percentage–see below)
    • Cell phone/data (beyond the basics–see below), apps.
    • Car (purchase, gas, insurance, repairs–see below)
    • Saving for College (see below)

What parents might pay

  • Parents should make clear what expenses they will cover.  For us, in addition to the basics (food, essential clothing & toiletries, school supplies, transportation, housing, utilities, insurance, etc.) we told them we would pay for the following:
    • 75% of church activities/expenses.  (The high percentage shows how this was a priority for us.  Yet, we also wanted them to participate in deciding which church activities were most important.  However, if they had been reluctant to go to church at all we would have gladly paid 100%.)
    • 25% of extra school activities/expenses such as uniforms, trips, prom costs, band trips, club sports, etc.  (School costs were admittedly a lower priority to us than church ones.)  One time, this policy of ours forced our 15-year-old daughter Lexi to decide which was more important–paying 75% of a spring break band trip to Ireland (which would cost her several thousand dollars) or saving her money to purchase her own car.  She opted for the car.
    • Birthday presents for friends (However, this was a predetermined “flat rate.”  They would need to pay the extra if they wanted to purchase extravagant gifts.
    • Basic phone and data costs (If they wanted the latest, coolest iPhone or unlimited data, they would need to pay that difference)
    • One weekly music or sports lesson.  We wanted to encourage their skill development, but we didn’t want them burning out.  If they wanted a second type of lesson they would need to pay those costs.  (BTW, if kids are too lazy to practice between lessons, they should pay for those lessons!)
    • A percentage of car insurance or fuel costs once they own their own car (this is because they are saving us money by driving themselves.)
    • Half of college expenses (This helped one of our daughters determine where to attend since it would significantly affect her pocketbook.)

I hope this gives you some ideas of how you might incorporate allowances into your family structure.


*Others, like Jeff Anderson, have suggested making kids save a third, give a third and use 33% for discretionary spending.

**I’m not suggesting allowances are given in exchange for doing chores.  I explain the difference here.

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Why you should give your kids allowances! (Part 1)

Our goal as parents is not to raise children, but rather to raise responsible adults.  Sadly, too many parents end up with chronically-dependent high school graduates who can’t manage their lives — or their money.

So today I want to make the case for giving your kids allowances, which will make your kids better prepared for life.  And that means your life will be better too!

But first, I want to share with you an email I received from a missionary mom in Nicaragua, where I did a parenting seminar a few years ago.   She followed my advice about giving kids allowances, and surprised me with this beautiful testimonial about doing it with her THREE YEAR OLD!    [I’ll insert my comments between hers.]

.Our 3-year-old son is learning the value of $ as he spends all his $1 per week on gum.

We might think of it as a waste of good money, but he’s learning to decide what matters to him.  Someday he’ll figure out that there are better uses for his money, but he’s got to learn that for himself over time.  Most importantly he’s learning that adults are trusting him with the responsibility of making his own decisions.

He is quickly learning which gum pack gets him the most pieces.

Amazing!  Notice how he already is learning to stretch his dollar, to look for bargains, and to do comparison shopping to get the best value!

He is learning not to eat the entire pack in 2 minutes because he doesn’t have $ to buy more.

See how he’s learning about delayed gratification, patience, pacing himself, relishing what he has, and living within his means!  How many teenagers never learn this!

He even paid me a nickel the other day to carry the laundry into the house because he did not want to do it.  I explained to him that it is one of the small chores he is required to help with and therefore would have to pay me for his portion of the work.  Amazingly he looked at me square on and asked, “How much?”  I told him, “One nickel,” and he paused, thought awhile, and finally said “I want to pay you because I don’t want to do it.”

Wow!  This three-year-old is already learning to weigh pros and cons, to make decisions, to negotiate with others, and to wrestle with priorities regarding his time, money, work & leisure!

I share this because if someone told me that this stuff would work on a 3-year-old I would never have believed it.  But, he is the youngest of 3 so we included him in the process because he was feeling SO left out.  Now we know it is effective even at 3.

I love this story because it vividly demonstrates how giving some measure of financial control even to the youngest of kids can serve to build their character.

I’ll blog again soon with Part 2, making the case for HEFTY allowances, but let me close this post with some general thoughts about giving kids allowances.

  • It makes children feel valued and trusted and gives them a measure of control over their lives.
  • It gives them money to waste.  Failure is a great teacher.
  • They can experience the joys of giving and the rewards of saving.
  • It minimizes whining in stores about things they impulsively want (“Did you bring your money purse?  No?  Well I guess you’ll have to remember to bring it next time.”)
  • It gives you opportunities for reasonable, non-emotional disciplinary action (“If you forget to do your chores, no worries, it just means you’ve hired one of us to do them!”)
  • It doesn’t cost you anything.  You’re already spending money on your kids — this just transfers responsibility onto them for certain purchases.
  • Because if you hold all the money, they’ll always be coming to you for withdrawals, which can cause conflict.  Better to dole it out deliberately and let them learn to manage it.
  • Parents can still set limits on what money is allowed to be spent for (but remember, don’t prevent them from wasting it.).
  • Instead of butting heads with them about their financial wants, it forces them to make decisions about what matters most, learning important life skills.
  • It gives them assets that can be used to reimburse you for any damage they may cause.
  • It gives us opportunities to help consult with them about their financial choices.
  • It makes you the coolest parents on the block!

These Life Skills might save your child’s life someday

Today, I got a frantic message from my daughter, Lexi, who now lives in China.  “Dad, is putting out a grease fire on your Life Skils list?  I must not have learned that one yet!”   Well, there’s an important life skill to add!   This incident reminded me that it would be good to update this post from four years ago.  It’s an important topic for parents.

doctor

I believe effective parenting involves giving our kids high levels of responsibility!

We want to prepare them to become adults who take care of themselves and pitch in to help others in their community.  Responsibility certainly involves them doing their share of chores, which I believe should be assigned from toddlerhood on.

And it certainly involves us teaching them life skills so that they will be fully prepared for life on their own.

The link at the end of this post contains a comprehensive list of life skills that other parents and I have collected over the years in my parenting classes.  I doubt you’ll find many we missed!

How to use the Life Skills List:

  • Use it as a checklist with each of your kids to see what skills may need to be taught year by year until they’re ready for college.
  • Use it as a list of fun things to do on a daddy date or during time with mom.
  • When they master a skill reward them for learning it and celebrate together this new step towards their independence!

Three quick stories before you click the link:

First. When our kids were in elementary school and we would go on airplane trips, we would put them in charge of finding the gate, baggage claim, ground transportation, etc. It was like a scavenger hunt for them, and it taught them to recognize signage, read an airport map, pay attention, navigate confidently in the world of adults, notice when they took a wrong turn (yes, we let them!), redirect themselves, be a leader, etc.   (I met a grown woman this week who never flies because she dreads getting lost in airports.  In contrast, my girls could fly anywhere in the English-speaking world with confidence!)

Second.  Mastering these life skills could actually save their lives. When our oldest was working at a summer camp in upstate New York she posted this on my wall:

“Dad, remember that list of life skills you gave us?…um…prolly should have practiced ‘changing a flat tire’”. 

  • My heart sank!  She got a flat on a deserted road and she had absolutely no clue what to do.  My lack of teaching her this essential life skill might have put her life in jeopardy!  She was vulnerable and therefore at the mercy of whomever might drive along that road.  Fortunately, a nice elderly man came by and installed her spare tire, but this was a wake up call to me about the importance of properly preparing our kids before sending them off into the world!

Third.  I was glad to receive this text from our youngest, when she attended college in another city.

“Dad, Isn’t “driving on ice” on your life skils list?  Because that skill just saved me from driving into a creek!  It was kind of fun LOL”

Here’s the Life Skills List!   http://tinyurl.com/LifeSkillsForKids

If you see any we missed, be sure to let me know!

Finally, here’s a great Youtube channel I just heard about called, Dad, how do I? produced by a dad who didn’t have a dad to teach him such skills.


P.S.  In 2024, I blogged about how our kids life skills might not only save their lives, but they might save ours as well someday!

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