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When dealing with people, I sometimes hear a voice in my head saying, “How could it not occur to you?”

Over the years, I’ve noticed that it does not occur to people…

• to rush over and give me a foot-rub.
• to leave the dirty dishes unstacked.
• to mumble less and speak up so I can hear them.
• to remove the hair clogging the shower drain screen.
• to turn off the lights when they leave a room.
• to remove the laundry from the dryer.
• to add to the shopping list the item you just used up.
• to let us know when they arrive at their destination in a foreign country.
• to send more pictures of the grandkids!

Lest you think I’m pointing fingers here, everyone in my family is likely saying the same thing about me.

It usually doesn’t occur to Mark

• to put the tools away after completing a project.
• to shut the cupboard doors.
• to clean up the clutter off the floor.
• to put the toothpaste back in the drawer.
• to rake the leaves in the yard.
• to withhold giving my kids advice until it is asked for.
• to ask others before spray-painting our cars.

It’s a universal problem, but I have the perfect solution — everyone should become just like me!

If everyone was exactly like me.

• I’d never be annoyed or frustrated.
• I’d never be disappointed or caught off guard.
• People would always attend to my every need.
• They’d always say exactly the things that I want to hear.
• They’d know when to leave me alone and when to engage with me.
• They’d always do things precisely the right way every time [meaning my way, of course!].

The problem with my perfect solution is that no one can be me.

• No one can read my mind.
• No one can see through my eyes.
• No one can anticipate what I would want.
• No one can feel the feelings my body feels.
• No one has the exact same Love Languages as me.
• No one has my same concerns, fears, hopes, or solutions as I have.
• No one knows exactly what I know or has exactly the same background that I have.
• No one has the same expectations as I do.
• No one has the same hang-ups, quirks, and dysfunctions that I have–and believe me, I have a LOT!

People can’t be me, and they can’t be you either!

So, seriously then, how do we handle it when people don’t get it–it simply doesn’t occur to them?

Recently, I had an epiphany about this that I want to share.

I’m realizing that I have two options when I start to think:  “How can it not occur to you…?”      

OPTION #1:  Incredulity.  (This is the option that comes naturally.) 

Option 1 is the default.  We become angry and feel wounded or victimized.  We ruminate on how the person ought to have known better.  We keep track of how many times we’ve told them what we want, and we keep score on how long it’s been since they did things the right way (i.e., our way).

Those of us who are non-confrontational “people-pleasers” will Stuff our incredulous feelings and become cold-shouldered toward others.    Those who are more confrontational will likely take others to the Woodshed or the House of Mirrors.   None of this accomplishes anything useful.

Option #1 may feel justified, but it just isn’t helpful.  Its focus is blame and shame and negativity.  It expects others to be mind readers.  It forgets that they are humans who often fail.  It wastes time, makes us bitter, and creates a wedge between us and others.

OPTION #2.  Ask a direct, polite question with an explanation of why it matters to you.   

Rather than expect the other person to intuitively think like me, I’m finding it more useful to just verbalize what I’d like right now–and why.

• Could you do me a favor and rub my feet?  They are sore from running and that would mean a lot to me.
• Can you help me with the dishes?  That would really make me happy.
• Would you be able to remove your load of clothes from the dryer so I can get mine dry?
• Can you let me know what your flight plans are so I don’t worry about you?
• It means a lot when you remember to put the toothpaste in the drawer.  Could you work on remembering that?
• Would you be able to rake the leaves by Monday when the vacuum truck is scheduled to come to our street?
• Can you send us a video of grandson Jake making his hilarious donkey sound?  We would love to see it!

Rather than waiting for things to magically “occur” to others, let’s just ask for what we’d like right now.  It’s so much more useful!

In my last post, on fixing things, I spoke about the need to fix your relationship with a person (Fix#1) prior to fixing their problems (Fix#2).  I mentioned that the thing required in Fix#1 is empathy.

Empathy has gotten a bad rap lately, some even calling it a sin, so I thought it would be helpful to write out my thoughts on this important topic.   I’ve referred to empathy in many of my blog posts, so I’d better explain what I mean by that word!  I don’t claim to have the definitive word on what empathy is or ought to be, but I can at least explain what I have meant when using the word.

Admittedly, there is much cultural dissention today about what empathy is.  It all depends on what you mean by the word.   Charlie Kirk distinguished between empathy and sympathy, disdaining the former and favoring the latter.  Others like Brené Brown favor empathy over sympathy.  Joe Rigney recently wrote a book, The Sin of Empathy.

Some say empathy equates to feeling the feelings of others.  Others have said empathy is about connection with a hurting person.  Some define empathy as affirming someone’s “personal truth.”  Some see empathy as pandering to the sensitivities of others or advocating against injustice.

Ironically, but sadly, relationships have actually been severed over the word empathy, creating all the more need for it!

Some see empathy as a good thing, others as a bad thing.

It all depends on what you mean by the word.

Three factors may be at play with the dissention about empathy.

1. Definitions.  Words change meaning over time.  One example is the word tolerance, which used to mean the allowance of opposing views to be freely heard.  Today, I’m called intolerant if I don’t applaud popular views which may be contrary to mine.    Empathy is another one of those words that everyone is redefining.
2. Assumptions.  We tend to assume what others mean when they use the word empathy.  The problem is few people take the time to listen to what is meant by words.  For example, when Joe Rigney calls empathy “a sin” he’s not attacking empathy per se (i.e. the sharing of emotions) but he makes a good case against what he calls “untethered empathy,” which he defines as “an excess of compassion, when our identification with and sharing of the emotions of others overwhelms our minds and sweeps us off our feet.”
3. Reactiveness.  People tend to react to words before learning what is meant by the words.  We live on the level of sound-bites, which can lead to fear, alarm, or sensationalism.  Calling empathy a SIN is sure to get people’s attention, a fact that I was not unaware of when I gave this post its title.  The unclarity in the contemporary use of empathy can get reactions. .

So what do I, Mark Forstrom, mean–and not mean–when I use the word empathy in my posts?

In my view…

• Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through.  No more, no less.
• Having empathy does not imply that we feel the same feelings as another person  No one can understand exactly what anyone is going through.  We see through different eyes and are affected quite differently by life’s challenges.   No one hurts the same way, grieves the same way, or finds meaning in things the same way.  We can be affected by the emotions of others, but we do not replicate them exactly.
• Empathy takes seriously the emotions of others without minimizing or mocking them.  I used to really fail at this, being logical, practical, and judgmental.  I didn’t have much patience for the emotions of others.  Thankfully, I’ve been challenged in this area over the years, and have learned how to acknowledge others’ emotions without judgment–whether or not I share them.  As this is a required skill for counselors, I’m glad I’m becoming proficient in this area!
• Empathy should transcend human divisions.  I should be able to show empathy equally to people I agree with or disagree with.   Scripture commands me to love even my enemies, and showing empathy is part of that.
• Showing empathy toward a person in distress doesn’t mean that I view their distress as necessary or healthy.  People can bring on their own distress.  Empathy shows that we care that they are hurting even if their pain is self-inflicted or unnecessary.  When our kids fail by acting irresponsibly, we don’t mock them, we don’t lecture them, we don’t say “I told you so”.  Instead, we show empathy in the moment–and let natural consequences be their teacher.
• Empathy mustn’t soothe people in ways that would harm them.  We should support them in their immediate pain, but we mustn’t support things that would harm them.  We don’t provide beer to the distraught alcoholic.  This corresponds to the principles I value in When Helping Hurts.
• Empathy does not jettison reality for the sake of feelings.   We don’t feed dog food to someone who is devastated that they weren’t born in a dog’s body.  We meet them where they are, but we don’t leave them there.
• Empathy applies to the short-term needs of the moment. It is part of triage–it may function as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.  Other interventions will likely be needed to attain wholeness after the person has stabilized.
• As said in my last post, empathy is the first part of a two-step process.  Immediate emotional support (Fix #1) followed by helping them find wholeness (Fix #2).
• Most personal growth happens not through receiving empathy, but through the discomfort of being challenged upward.  “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”  Proverbs 27:6

In summary, to me…

Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through.

No more, no less.

It’s simply saying: “You’re hurting and I care about that.”

In my view it would be a sin not to do that!

Some of us are fixers.

We don’t like problems–they make us uncomfortable. We want problems to go away. Right now! Problems stress us out. That’s why we need to fix things.

Fixers come in handy when it comes to home improvements.  Or car repairs.  Or pest control.

But unfortunately, fixers don’t do well in relationships. In fact, they tend to break relationships. It’s very ironic in that their attempts to fix relationships actually break them even more.

When it comes to relationships, it’s the fixers that need fixing!  So how do you fix that?

Well, there’s a two-minute video that I think really helps.  I show it to all my counseling clients who are fixers. I’ve shown it scores of times.  It’s hilarious, and yet profound. I suggest you watch it right now. Here’s the link: It’s Not About the Nail.

Spoiler alert:  please watch the video before reading on! You’ll be glad you did.

There is much to learn from this goofy little video. Here are the things my clients and I process.

1. The most serious problem portrayed is not the nail!  The biggest problem is that there is wife who feels uncared for, unheard, dismissed, and alone in her marriage. She experiences pain, but worse than that, she suffers alone.
2. Obviously, the nail is also a problem. It is the secondary problem, yet it’s the only problem the husband sees. “Get rid of that nail and everything will be fine,” he thinks.
3. The husband is clearly uncomfortable with her distress, in fact, her distress gives him distress!  That’s why he rushes to fix the problem.  He cares for his own comfort rather making her feel cared for.  He clearly lacks empathy, a topic I plan to blog about soon.
4. She finally convinces him that she wants him to just listen to her, which he reluctantly agrees to.
5. When she’s finished talking, the pivotal moment comes when he says those four words,  “That sounds really hard.” I’d call that a very weak show of support, but even so, it impacts her profoundly.  She melts before him.  Suddenly she’s not alone; she feels heard and understood.  She’s immediately drawn to him both emotionally as well as physically–that is, until their ill-timed collision sets them back!

For you fixers, here are the lessons I want you to take away from the video.

First.  Remember that there are actually TWO problems that need fixing.  And the glaring one you so easily see is of lesser importance.  It is far more important that your friend feels cared for and not bypassed. The two problems BOTH need to be fixed.

Second. You must fix the bigger (invisible) problem first (FIX #1) and the smaller (obvious) problem second (FIX #2.) If you fail to do them in this order you may get the nail out, but your friend will remain feeling alone and uncared for in your friendship. You will have focused on a problem and entirely missed the person who has the problem.

Third.  Fixing the invisible problem of your friend’s hurting heart will not be intuitive to you.  Don’t try to guess what fix is needed, but plainly ask instead.  One of my favorite questions to ask when I see someone I love in distress is this: “What do you need from me right now?”  It’s a no-fail question.  Whatever the answer is will be exactly the fix you’re looking for in FIX #1. Make it a habit to ask this question whenever you see someone in distress:  “What do you need from me right now?” Their answer might be…

• “I need a hug”
• “I need some space”
• “I need you just to listen to me”
• “I need a backrub”
• “Can you finish the dishes?–I’m exhausted”
• “Can you help me think this through?”
• “Can you remind me that it’s going to be ok>”
• Can you pray for me?
• “I don’t know what I need, but thanks for asking and when I think of something, I’ll let you know”

Whatever your friend says, you’ve learned the perfect thing to do.  The person will feel loved, understood, and valued–even by you asking the question.

And eventually, their answer will be…

• “I need you to help me get this nail out of my head?  It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for!  And that’s where your skills at fixing will actually come in handy. The difference is that now you’ll be doing FIX #2 together as a team!