Some of us are fixers.

We don’t like problems–they make us uncomfortable. We want problems to go away. Right now! Problems stress us out. That’s why we need to fix things.

Fixers come in handy when it comes to home improvements.  Or car repairs.  Or pest control.

But unfortunately, fixers don’t do well in relationships. In fact, they tend to break relationships. It’s very ironic in that their attempts to fix relationships actually break them even more.

When it comes to relationships, it’s the fixers that need fixing!  So how do you fix that?

Well, there’s a two-minute video that I think really helps.  I show it to all my counseling clients who are fixers. I’ve shown it scores of times.  It’s hilarious, and yet profound. I suggest you watch it right now. Here’s the link: It’s Not About the Nail.

Spoiler alert:  please watch the video before reading on! You’ll be glad you did.

There is much to learn from this goofy little video. Here are the things my clients and I process.

  1. The most serious problem portrayed is not the nail!  The biggest problem is that there is wife who feels uncared for, unheard, dismissed, and alone in her marriage. She experiences pain, but worse than that, she suffers alone.
  2. Obviously, the nail is also a problem. It is the secondary problem, yet it’s the only problem the husband sees. “Get rid of that nail and everything will be fine,” he thinks.
  3. The husband is clearly uncomfortable with her distress, in fact, her distress gives him distress!  That’s why he rushes to fix the problem.  He cares for his own comfort rather making her feel cared for.  He clearly lacks empathy, a topic I plan to blog about soon.
  4. She finally convinces him that she wants him to just listen to her, which he reluctantly agrees to.
  5. When she’s finished talking, the pivotal moment comes when he says those four words,  “That sounds really hard.” I’d call that a very weak show of support, but even so, it impacts her profoundly.  She melts before him.  Suddenly she’s not alone; she feels heard and understood.  She’s immediately drawn to him both emotionally as well as physically–that is, until their ill-timed collision sets them back!

For you fixers, here are the lessons I want you to take away from the video.

First.  Remember that there are actually TWO problems that need fixing.  And the glaring one you so easily see is of lesser importance.  It is far more important that your friend feels cared for and not bypassed. The two problems BOTH need to be fixed.

Second. You must fix the bigger (invisible) problem first (FIX #1) and the smaller (obvious) problem second (FIX #2.) If you fail to do them in this order you may get the nail out, but your friend will remain feeling alone and uncared for in your friendship. You will have focused on a problem and entirely missed the person who has the problem.

Third.  Fixing the invisible problem of your friend’s hurting heart will not be intuitive to you.  Don’t try to guess what fix is needed, but plainly ask instead.  One of my favorite questions to ask when I see someone I love in distress is this: “What do you need from me right now?”  It’s a no-fail question.  Whatever the answer is will be exactly the fix you’re looking for in FIX #1. Make it a habit to ask this question whenever you see someone in distress:  “What do you need from me right now?” Their answer might be…

  • “I need a hug”
  • “I need some space”
  • “I need you just to listen to me”
  • “I need a backrub”
  • “Can you finish the dishes?–I’m exhausted”
  • “Can you help me think this through?”
  • “Can you remind me that it’s going to be ok>”
  • Can you pray for me?
  • “I don’t know what I need, but thanks for asking and when I think of something, I’ll let you know”

Whatever your friend says, you’ve learned the perfect thing to do.  The person will feel loved, understood, and valued–even by you asking the question.

And eventually, their answer will be…

  • “I need you to help me get this nail out of my head?  It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for!  And that’s where your skills at fixing will actually come in handy. The difference is that now you’ll be doing FIX #2 together as a team!