When dealing with people, I sometimes hear a voice in my head saying, “How could it not occur to you?”

Over the years, I’ve noticed that it does not occur to people…

  • to rush over and give me a foot-rub.
  • to leave the dirty dishes unstacked.
  • to mumble less and speak up so I can hear them.
  • to remove the hair clogging the shower drain screen.
  • to turn off the lights when they leave a room.
  • to remove the laundry from the dryer.
  • to add to the shopping list the item you just used up.
  • to let us know when they arrive at their destination in a foreign country.
  • to send more pictures of the grandkids!

Lest you think I’m pointing fingers here, everyone in my family is likely saying the same thing about me.

It usually doesn’t occur to Mark

  • to put the tools away after completing a project.
  • to shut the cupboard doors.
  • to clean up the clutter off the floor.
  • to put the toothpaste back in the drawer.
  • to rake the leaves in the yard.
  • to withhold giving my kids advice until it is asked for.
  • to ask others before spray-painting our cars.

It’s a universal problem, but I have the perfect solution — everyone should become just like me!

If everyone was exactly like me.

  • I’d never be annoyed or frustrated.
  • I’d never be disappointed or caught off guard.
  • People would always attend to my every need.
  • They’d always say exactly the things that I want to hear.
  • They’d know when to leave me alone and when to engage with me.
  • They’d always do things precisely the right way every time [meaning my way, of course!].

The problem with my perfect solution is that no one can be me.

  • No one can read my mind.
  • No one can see through my eyes.
  • No one can anticipate what I would want.
  • No one can feel the feelings my body feels.
  • No one has the exact same Love Languages as me.
  • No one has my same concerns, fears, hopes, or solutions as I have.
  • No one knows exactly what I know or has exactly the same background that I have.
  • No one has the same expectations as I do.
  • No one has the same hang-ups, quirks, and dysfunctions that I have–and believe me, I have a LOT!

People can’t be me, and they can’t be you either!

So, seriously then, how do we handle it when people don’t get it–it simply doesn’t occur to them?

Recently, I had an epiphany about this that I want to share.

I’m realizing that I have two options when I start to think:  “How can it not occur to you…?”      

OPTION #1:  Incredulity.  (This is the option that comes naturally.) 

Option 1 is the default.  We become angry and feel wounded or victimized.  We ruminate on how the person ought to have known better.  We keep track of how many times we’ve told them what we want, and we keep score on how long it’s been since they did things the right way (i.e., our way).

Those of us who are non-confrontational “people-pleasers” will Stuff our incredulous feelings and become cold-shouldered toward others.    Those who are more confrontational will likely take others to the Woodshed or the House of Mirrors.   None of this accomplishes anything useful.

Option #1 may feel justified, but it just isn’t helpful.  Its focus is blame and shame and negativity.  It expects others to be mind readers.  It forgets that they are humans who often fail.  It wastes time, makes us bitter, and creates a wedge between us and others.

OPTION #2.  Ask a direct, polite question with an explanation of why it matters to you.   

Rather than expect the other person to intuitively think like me, I’m finding it more useful to just verbalize what I’d like right now–and why.

  • Could you do me a favor and rub my feet?  They are sore from running and that would mean a lot to me.
  • Can you help me with the dishes?  That would really make me happy.
  • Would you be able to remove your load of clothes from the dryer so I can get mine dry?
  • Can you let me know what your flight plans are so I don’t worry about you?
  • It means a lot when you remember to put the toothpaste in the drawer.  Could you work on remembering that?
  • Would you be able to rake the leaves by Monday when the vacuum truck is scheduled to come to our street?
  • Can you send us a video of grandson Jake making his hilarious donkey sound?  We would love to see it!

Rather than waiting for things to magically “occur” to others, let’s just ask for what we’d like right now.  It’s so much more useful!