In my last post, on fixing things, I spoke about the need to fix your relationship with a person (Fix#1) prior to fixing their problems (Fix#2).  I mentioned that the thing required in Fix#1 is empathy.

Empathy has gotten a bad rap lately, some even calling it a sin, so I thought it would be helpful to write out my thoughts on this important topic.   I’ve referred to empathy in many of my blog posts, so I’d better explain what I mean by that word!  I don’t claim to have the definitive word on what empathy is or ought to be, but I can at least explain what I have meant when using the word.

Admittedly, there is much cultural dissention today about what empathy is.  It all depends on what you mean by the word.   Charlie Kirk distinguished between empathy and sympathy, disdaining the former and favoring the latter.  Others like Brené Brown favor empathy over sympathy.  Joe Rigney recently wrote a book, The Sin of Empathy.

Some say empathy equates to feeling the feelings of others.  Others have said empathy is about connection with a hurting person.  Some define empathy as affirming someone’s “personal truth.”  Some see empathy as pandering to the sensitivities of others or advocating against injustice.

Ironically, but sadly, relationships have actually been severed over the word empathy, creating all the more need for it!

Some see empathy as a good thing, others as a bad thing.

It all depends on what you mean by the word.

Three factors may be at play with the dissention about empathy.

  1. Definitions.  Words change meaning over time.  One example is the word tolerance, which used to mean the allowance of opposing views to be freely heard.  Today, I’m called intolerant if I don’t applaud popular views which may be contrary to mine.    Empathy is another one of those words that everyone is redefining.
  2. Assumptions.  We tend to assume what others mean when they use the word empathy.  The problem is few people take the time to listen to what is meant by words.  For example, when Joe Rigney calls empathy “a sin” he’s not attacking empathy per se (i.e. the sharing of emotions) but he makes a good case against what he calls “untethered empathy,” which he defines as “an excess of compassion, when our identification with and sharing of the emotions of others overwhelms our minds and sweeps us off our feet.”
  3. Reactiveness.  People tend to react to words before learning what is meant by the words.  We live on the level of sound-bites, which can lead to fear, alarm, or sensationalism.  Calling empathy a SIN is sure to get people’s attention, a fact that I was not unaware of when I gave this post its title.  The unclarity in the contemporary use of empathy can get reactions. .

So what do I, Mark Forstrom, mean–and not mean–when I use the word empathy in my posts?

In my view…

  • Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through.  No more, no less.
  • Having empathy does not imply that we feel the same feelings as another person  No one can understand exactly what anyone is going through.  We see through different eyes and are affected quite differently by life’s challenges.   No one hurts the same way, grieves the same way, or finds meaning in things the same way.  We can be affected by the emotions of others, but we do not replicate them exactly.
  • Empathy takes seriously the emotions of others without minimizing or mocking them.  I used to really fail at this, being logical, practical, and judgmental.  I didn’t have much patience for the emotions of others.  Thankfully, I’ve been challenged in this area over the years, and have learned how to acknowledge others’ emotions without judgment–whether or not I share them.  As this is a required skill for counselors, I’m glad I’m becoming proficient in this area!
  • Empathy should transcend human divisions.  I should be able to show empathy equally to people I agree with or disagree with.   Scripture commands me to love even my enemies, and showing empathy is part of that.
  • Showing empathy toward a person in distress doesn’t mean that I view their distress as necessary or healthy.  People can bring on their own distress.  Empathy shows that we care that they are hurting even if their pain is self-inflicted or unnecessary.  When our kids fail by acting irresponsibly, we don’t mock them, we don’t lecture them, we don’t say “I told you so”.  Instead, we show empathy in the moment–and let natural consequences be their teacher.
  • Empathy mustn’t soothe people in ways that would harm them.  We should support them in their immediate pain, but we mustn’t support things that would harm them.  We don’t provide beer to the distraught alcoholic.  This corresponds to the principles I value in When Helping Hurts.
  • Empathy does not jettison reality for the sake of feelings.   We don’t feed dog food to someone who is devastated that they weren’t born in a dog’s body.  We meet them where they are, but we don’t leave them there.
  • Empathy applies to the short-term needs of the moment. It is part of triage–it may function as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.  Other interventions will likely be needed to attain wholeness after the person has stabilized.
  • As said in my last post, empathy is the first part of a two-step process.  Immediate emotional support (Fix #1) followed by helping them find wholeness (Fix #2).
  • Most personal growth happens not through receiving empathy, but through the discomfort of being challenged upward.  “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”  Proverbs 27:6

In summary, to me…

Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through.

No more, no less.

It’s simply saying: “You’re hurting and I care about that.”

In my view it would be a sin not to do that!