Never say “Thank you.”

It occurred to me that I ought to add another “Never say” post to join Never say “I’m sorry,”  Never say “Trust me,”  and Never say “Forgive me.”

This time, I’m desecrating another linguistic norm by suggesting we avoid saying “Thank you.”   Now I know what you’re thinking, who could possibly take issue with saying Thank you?  

To begin with, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be grateful; not only is it a mark of good character, Scripture repeatedly commands us to be thankful, most notably, 1 Thessalonians 5:18:  “In everything give thanks.”  So I’m not promoting ungratefulness.

What I am advocating is that we express our gratitude without using the words “Thank you.”

What’s my problem? you wonder.  It’s this–in my observation, saying “Thank you” often has little to do with expressions of deep gratitude.  How so?

“Thank you” can be used as a veiled command, such as “Thank you for taking out the trash before you go to bed.”  This feels more like nagging than gratitude.

“Thank you” can be said presumptuously.  I’ll thank you to keep your opinion to yourself.   This feels more like scolding than gratitude.

“Thank you” can be said snarkily, with a roll of the eyes, “Thanks, IRS.”   This is criticism, not gratitude.

But my biggest objection to “Thank you” is how it is so often used to express gratitude flippantly.  It has become a literary cliché, a social formality, which has lost depth of meaning.  Just like “I’m sorry,” or “Hey, how’s it goin?,” the phrase “Thank you” has become a token response rather a conveyor of anything meaningful.

For example, if someone opens the door, we’ll automatically say, “Thank you.”  It’s the polite, expected response, but it’s anything but real communication–you don’t even have to look the person in the eyes during such an exchange.  Ironically, the doorholder is more of a placeholder than an actual human being.

In a world where people are becoming increasingly disconnected (thanks, Covid and AI!) I’m advocating that we engage with people more deeply by forsaking the shallow “Thank you” for something deeper, more substantive.  Let’s take gratitude to a new level by finding alternative ways to express it.  Doing so will involve using “I-statements” and “you-statements.”

“I-statements” of gratitude. 

I’ve written about unhelpful uses of “I-statements,” but gratitude is a good occasion to use them!  It moves the conversation away from empty formalities and uses heart language.   “I appreciate you holding that door for me” says so much more than “Thank you.”  It leads toward eye contact and is an invitation for further conversation.

Focus on meaning.  My last essay recommended using words of meaning to make a request.  In a similar way, acknowledging how “it meant a lot when you did such and such,” is a heartfelt way to express appreciation after the fact.  Think of the positive reinforcement that happens when we highlight the value of what we’ve been given.

Think of how your relationships will improve simply by describing how you have been impacted by someone’s care.

• I feel so blessed by what you did.
• Thanks for making my day.
• What a load you’ve lifted off my shoulders by your efforts.
• I so appreciate your help with this.

[I do recognize that “I-statements” may not be easy for those who struggle with receiving help.   Many people would rather be the giver and thus they struggle being the receiver.  There’s a lot to be said about this, but it’s something I’ll have to save for a future essay.]

“You-statements” of gratitude. 

Whether or not people are comfortable receiving help, everyone can express gratitude meaningfully by using “you-statements.”    Here the focus is on the other person’s generosity.

• It was so kind of you to do that.
• How thoughtful of you.
• You went out of your way to do that.
• How nice of you.
• You generosity was overwhelming.
• You’ve been a real blessing.

For maximum personal connection, I suspect the best way to express gratitude may be a combination of “I-statements” and “you-statements.”

• Your thoughtfulness meant so much to me.
• I noticed how you went out of your way to help me and I am so grateful.
• What a kind thing you did to lighten my load in such a way.
• My anxiety has been alleviated thanks to your generous assistance.

Am I saying we should never, ever say the words “Thank you”?   Maybe, maybe not.  I admit I’ve used a bit of hyperbole to make my point.   But how about let’s go ahead and experiment with not saying it–and see what difference it makes!   Maybe we’ll be convinced to never say “thank you.”