Author: Mark Forstrom (Page 12 of 13)

It was an accident, so I couldn’t get too upset–after all, I’ve caused worse accidents!  But Lexi was clearly upset, bawling and calling herself “stupid.”

I remained in my chair, waiting until she cooled down,  Then I called her over to come to sit in my lap.  I asked her how she felt about the whole hot chocolate incident.

“I feel like an idiot,” she whimpered sadly.  “I’m so clumsy.”

“That did make quite a mess,” I said, pointing out the various areas that now were spotted with brown.  “And I’m sure Mom won’t go for the new look.”  So I said, “Let me ask you this,  would you feel like less of an idiot if I cleaned up your mess or if you did?”

“I’d feel like more of an idiot if you had to clean up my mess.”

“Of course, you would.  People feel even worse when they cause extra work for others, don’t they?  That makes a lot of sense. ”

“Yea, but Dad, this mess is way too messy.  I could never clean it up.”  This thought started her bawling again.

Squeezing her tight, I said, “What if I believed you could clean it up all by yourself!  We have a really cool carpet shampooer and I’m sure you’re old enough to use it.  How about if I teach you how to do it?  Shall we give it a try?”

“I guess so.”

So I brought the machine upstairs and showed her, step by step, how to fill the shampoo tank in the sink and empty the dirty one into the toilet; how to spray, scrub, and vacuum the sofa and carpet.  And then, for the next hour and a half, while I resumed my World Magazine reading, Lexi went to work on the chocolate stains one at a time–all by herself.  She did the carpet and then the sofa, and she kept going–she even cleaned under all the cushions and then did the other sofa that wasn’t even baptized by cocoa.  Lexi cleaned things we’ve never cleaned before.  Her despair had turned to joy–she was obviously loving it!

I tell you all this because one of our key parenting principles is that kids must eventually learn to solve their own problems.  Too often we parents make their problems ours.  Either we rescue them (helicopter parents) or we belittle them (drill sergeants).  By giving them the responsibility to fix their own problems we honor them and treat them as contributors, rather than simply dependents. At such times we should not rescue but empower.

And they may learn some new life skills as well.  In fact, just before bedtime, I caught her on the computer printing something out.  This is what it said.

CARPET CLEANER BUSINESS

Lexi Forstrom is going too start a carpet cleaning business starting Nov 9-Dec 15.  Probably 10-20 dollars per appointment.

She will bring:

Her own carpet cleaner  /  Her own supplies

You will need to provide:

A bathroom with a toilet  /  An adult there

Your time  /  Something to clean.

She will clean:

Carpeted Couches  /  Carpet

Carpeted chairs. /  Etc. If you tell her first.

For more information call 393-0415.

In many homes, a cup of spilled hot chocolate would result in frustration, anger, yelling, tempers, and words.  In our “fix your own mess” home that spilled cup might result in a promising career!

A friend and I had lunch the other day and he asked me what our family does with family devotions.   I’m going to tell you what I told him because today was a classic example of my favorite approach to this subject!

Those of you who know me, know that consistency is something I struggle with and family devotions is no exception.  We’ve tried the daily devotional books, but it’s just hard for me to do that with any regularity.  Plus, I’m not a “curriculum guy.”  I balk at prescribed lessons that may or may not be relevent to my family’s current needs, so that has soured my enthusiasm for them.  Plus they seem like assigned reading to me, and I’ve never liked assignments.  While they may be quite suitable for many families, I personally quit using such devotion books years ago.

So am I saying that family devotions are not important–that they’re no big deal?

Absolutely not!  Family devotions are one of the primary responsibilities of Christian parenting.  It’s just that for me, devotions are a way of life more than a set aside time.  To me, family devotions happen everywhere:  in the car, on vacation, in the pet store, watching movies, listening to secular radio, snuggling in my Lazy Boy, and often at the dinner table.

Take tonight for example.  I was in my Lazy Boy reading Google News on my laptop when Brenda called out to say her seafood enchillada dinner was ready.  I brought my laptop over to the table because I had just read: 

But as the Amish were burying their dead, there was also talk of heroics. Marian Fisher, 13, is said to have stepped forward and asked her killer to “shoot me first,” in an apparent effort to buy time for her schoolmates… What’s more, her younger sister, Barbie, 11, who survived the shooting, allegedly asked the gunman, Charles Carl Roberts IV, to “shoot me second,” Rhoads said.

The four of us sitting around the dinner table reflecting on this current event was more powerful to me than any book lesson I’ve ever done.  We talked about the amazing faith of these Amish girls, how great it would be to have such a view of death and life, how their example is bound to impact the world, how dying well is as important as living well, how part of me wishes I were Amish.

This discussion led me to remind the girls of my personal mission statement, part of which reads, “…to make myself available for God to use for His glory–whether by my life or by my death…”  We had a great discussion about how people wrongly tend to cling to life as if this is all there is, when in reality as one Amish man said: “we believe in the hereafter. The children are better off than their survivors.”

So for those of you like me who struggle with consistent devotions at a set time and place, go ahead do your devotions anyways:  by sharing about life and faith as you encounter it–on the fly.  Talk about what following Christ means to you, what you’re learning, what you wrestle with, what you respect, how you feel about the culture, what you wish for them to discover.

 Oh, and the girls are now in bed, but Google News just gave me a topic for devotions for tomorrow:

Contemporary Christian singer-songwriter Michael W. Smith joined a community prayer service at a nondenominational evangelical Christian church in the Lancaster suburbs…”Is this God’s will that this happened? Absolutely not,” Smith said….”

Are you “absolutely” sure about that Michael?  Yeesh.  Looks like we’ll be addressing the sovereignty of God next!

 

 

This past Saturday I attended the 50th year anniversary celebration of my former church in Rockford Illinios.

People came back from all over the midwest to be part of this reunion.

I served there for six years and have been gone for almost 14, so it was like a time warp for me.  All of the kids in the youth group then are now between 27 and 38, so I was interested to see how they’ve all turned out.  In several instances I was surprised.

One guy in the group was a skateboarder, who seemed disinterested in anything spiritual.  Today he is a missionary working with troubled teens in inner city Chicago.  He thanked me for the example of my “open door” which he says helps him today in his ministry.  To be honest, I don’t ever recall him ever coming into my office–I had no idea that I had had any effect on him whatsoever.

Another encouragement was a guy who had merely coasted through youth group, never getting too serious.  Now after some poor choices and a painful divorce, God has gotten ahold of his life.  I didn’t actually get to see him that weekend because he was away at Promise Keepers!

There was a gal in the group back then who struggled so much with depression/suicide that I helped her family do an intervention, sending her out of state for treatment.  I was happy to hear that today she is happily married, going to church and seeking God’s direction for her life.

There are other stories I could tell, but I highlighted these three to encourage parents never to give up on their kids.  A lot can happen in 14 years.  A lack of spiritual interest now doesn’t necessarily mean they will remain that way.  And some may need to flounder a bit before fully embracing faith.  And some are being impacted by us in ways we can’t perceive yet, but someday may discover. 

As Winston Churchhill once said in a speach, “Neva give up.  Neva, neva give up.” 

 

Today I got a call from a parent I’ve never met. She was in tears and wanted to meet with me and share the struggles her daughter–who attends our youth group–was currently facing. We met and she shared about the temptations to which the girl was being drawn, the mom’s fears, and the underlying issues. I listened and offered some perspective, some encouragement and a few suggestions. When our time was finished, we both realized how beneficial our conversation had been for both of us. 

In this case, it wasn’t a major crisis–the student hadn’t yet made regrettable mistakes. But this parent wisely sought counsel as a preventative measure and I feel good about the plan this parent decided to follow.

I was impressed by this mom’s courage in contacting me–a virtual stranger–to get perspective. Sharing the situation with me required honesty, vulnerability, and humility in a culture that pressures everyone to pretend our families are “just fine, thanks.” This parent realized her limitations and wisely reached out for advice.

What impressed me just as much was that this parent had already made great choices in handling the situation. I was able to affirm this and offer additional ideas for using that approach even more effectively. I am optimistic about the outcome and anticipate that the relationship between the mom and teen will be strengthened through this situation.

This parent expressed appreciation for our conversation. But I believe I benefitted more than she did. Our conversation taught me several things for which I am grateful.

1. I learned about a struggle that probably affects many kids in our group. The shepherd who knows his sheep will be a better shepherd.

2. Wrestling through this situation with this mom added to my collective understanding of parenting dilemmas, which helps me to help other parents in the future. Her experience with her daughter will be something I can pass on to others in similar situations.

3. I saw in this mom a broken heart full of love. I learned more from this than anything she learned from me.

4. As I inquired about her daughter’s youth group experience, she affirmed many things we’re doing and gave me some ideas of ways we could reach out more to kids like hers. We’ll never be improving as we should without good constructive feedback from parents like her–and you!

I write all this to encourage you parents not to be shy about sharing your stories with me and the other youth sponsors. As we wrestle together through the joys and sorrows of parenting, we all benefit! Don’t wait for a crisis!

Hope to hear from you soon!

Mark

Some of my favorite parenting books are a series called “Parenting with Love and Logic.” I teach parenting seminars around the area, using many of the books’ principles and so I thought it would be helpful to start sharing concepts from my seminar.

As parents, we sometimes forget the truth in one of my Markisms: “He who pays the mortgage makes the deals.” What this means is that the parents should have a lot of sway in what kind of environment their home has. As parents, it is YOUR turn to be in charge of your household. When you were kids, you had to follow your parents’ rules. When your kids get homes of their own it will be THEIR turn to be in charge of their household. But that time is not now! YOU are in charge. They are beholden to you–don’t forget that.

In a loving, honoring way, you can set the standards by which your home operates. Use your parental prerogative as leverage in making your home one that you can live in! But don’t be a dictator or “drill sergeant”. Be a compassionate, empathetic deal-maker. Here are some examples of three actual situations and the advice I gave parents.

CASE 1. “Billy” was taking 30 minute showers and running up the family gas and water bills. Mom and Dad frequently got on Billy’s case and resorted to nagging, scolding, and outright yelling sometimes. I suggested that they use their parental prerogative and give “Billy” four choices–always choices the parents can live with. “Billy we love you, but this extended shower usage of yours is frustrating us and we’ve decided something needs to change. You know that frustrated parents are no fun to live with so we’ve come up with a few options to avoid that. You may 1. take 15 minute showers or less. 2. If you decide to take a shower longer than 15 minutes you’re welcome to pay 50 cents a minute to cover the cost of the extra gas and wateror 3. You may shower elsewhere or 4. not at all. Your choice.”

By approaching it this way “Billy” may learn several things. A. Utilities actually cost money. B. Money spent on utilities can’t be used for other things. C. Mom and Dad aren’t willing to let showers spoil a positive relationship with their kids. D. People don’t like being around stinky people who don’t take showers!

CASE 2. “Billy” blares the stereo so loud that it shakes the chandeliers. Mom, Dad and the siblings keep yelling at “Billy” to turn it down. It’s a constant source of tension in the home and it’s keeping it from being the peaceful refuge the parents always dreamed of. I suggested that they use their parental prerogative and give “Billy” three choices–always choices the parents can live with. “Billy we love you, but this loud music of yours is ruining our domestic tranquility and it’s no longer acceptible. Quite frankly we’re offended that the electricity we pay to your room is being used against us in this way. So we’ve decide that whenever other family members are home you may either 1. wear headphones, 2. pay for insulating your room to the extent that the sound coming out does not exceed 75 decibels or 3. simply keep the volume in your room turned down below 75 decibels (we’ll buy a decibel meter at Radio Shack.) If you can’t operate within these perimeters, then we’ll need to disconnect the electricity to your room and charge you for the electrician bill.”

What “Billy” learns from this is that A. it’s never acceptable to have fun at other’s expense, B. the parent’s have a right to an atmosphere that pleases them, and C. people living in community need to compromise to accommodate the needs of others.

(By the way, if some of your “deals” involve them paying you money and your kid has no money, you can do an audit of their possessions — bike, stereo, X-box — and offer to take them as collateral.)

CASE 3. “Billy,” the high schooler gets a ride from his mom to soccer practice every afternoon, but he’s developed this habit of griping, complaining, whining, and “trash-talking” all the way there to the extent that it’s starting to deplete Mom’s energy and making her very angry. When asked, Mom told me that she pays for the soccer tuition, his uniforms, shoes, league expenses and the gas and time it takes to cart him back and forth to practices and games. I suggested that she use their parental prerogative and give “Billy” some choices–always choices parents can live with. I suggested the next time they were in the car and “Billy” started grumbling, Mom should pull the car over and say, “Billy, Get out!” Billy will be shocked of course and think she’s joking, and then she should say, “Billy, I’m done carting you around while you fill the air in the car with verbal air pollution. I’ve decided that air pollution in my car is no longer acceptable–it’s not healthy for me emotionally. Therefore, from this moment on I’m happy to give you a ride to practice as long as you can be pleasant, but the second you start to grumble, I’m pulling over and you’re getting out. Your options then will be to walk, or find your own rides there. I’m sure you’ll figure out what will work best for you.”

What “Billy” learns from this is A. Moms are real people with needs too, B. it’s unreasonable to be obnoxious to someone who is giving you free transportation (gas, insurance, accessibility) and C. special privileges come with responsibilities–no entitlement mindset is allowed.

One final note: make “positive deals” not “negative threats” otherwise you risk becoming a tyrant. Always word your “deals” in words of love and high expectation.

Let me know other parenting situations you might like me to apply Love and Logic to.

And many of you may want to check out the books in the church library.

Thanks!