I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it. In this post and the following four posts I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence. While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.
1. Model authenticity.
“It’s more caught than taught,” is more than a cliché; it is an axiom of life. In my experience, the primary way we influence others involves how others see us living our own lives. For good or for ill, our lives are examples that will shape the lives of others. People are watching and being shaped by what they see in us. But as they look at our lives there are two things they might observe: Hypocrisy or Authenticity. Both are highly influential, but they exert influence in opposite directions.
Hypocrisy: “Do as I say.”
We all know how damaging hypocrisy can be. Think of people with double standards, charlatans, and Christian celebrities caught covering up their vices–not having practiced what they’ve preached. Hypocrites influence people toward cynicism, skepticism, or all-out resistance. Two-faced people are a primary reason people walk away from their values-of-origin, their families, and the church. So if we aim to influence others positively, it’s important that we pay attention to when our words don’t match our actions.
But aren’t we all hypocrites? Yes we are. All of us.
Then what hope is there for positively influencing others? The good news is that we can be authentic hypocrites! We can own our hypocrisy, show remorse for our double standards, and seek to correct our inconsistencies. In a wonderful and ironical way, when others see us respond humbly to our imperfections it switches our influence from negative to positive! Nowhere is this more readily seen than with our children.
Authenticity: “Do as I do.”
I want to spend the bulk of this essay describing practical ways we can model authenticity with our children (and others who are watching) in order to have a positive influence.
- If you want them to learn honesty and integrity, don’t let them see you calling in sick to work as you head out to the golf course.
- If resisting temptation and finishing well is important to you, model how you incorporate accountability in your life.
- If you want them to have a godly perspective on marriage, model a godly marriage by showing affection, love and respect to your spouse!
- If you want them to have a close walk with God, don’t simply make them “do devotions;” it’s far better to share with them scriptures that you are finding meaningful and share how God is shaping you through your devotional times.
- If you want them to be more willing to do chores, model the joy of serving your family.
- If you want them to be generous and compassionate, model the joy of sacrificial giving, including them in opportunities involving generosity.
- If you want them to avoid self-medicating, show them your attentiveness to restraining your own vulnerabilities in this area (substances, social media, video games, materialism).
- If you don’t want your kids to be lazy, show them what a good work ethic looks like and share how you find value in a job well done.
- If you want them to “redeem the time” make sure you aren’t wasting time that should be spent more constructively.
- If attending church is important to you, show that it’s a priority to you by your regular attendance and by not giving in to a coach’s demands for Sunday travel.
- If your kids have trouble listening, make listening to them a priority.
- If you want them to learn emotional regulation, control your anger and watch the words you say and the way you say them.
- If you want them to treat people with respect, let them see you treating others with respect, even those with whom you disagree.
- If you want them to exercise or be healthy, show that this is something you are attentive to as well.
- If you want them to own their mistakes, own your own and be quick to apologize to them when you mistreat them.
- When you blow it in any of these areas, readily admit it and show your determination to grow and change.
This is by far the most important influencer of them all. But the other four are important as well. I now encourage you to consider the other four of them, starting with Influence Optimizer #2.
Over Spring Break Lexi went to Northern Italy with the UNI Wind Symphony. She had a wonderful time playing the saxophone which she loves, getting to know her bandmates, and enjoying a new part of the world she’d never seen.
pun intended). It was a 17 page summary of a book on the history of Christmas. I was captivated — to the extent that I immediately bought the book and absorbed myself in it.
