Today I taught my parenting class at Bridgehaven a tool that might very well be my favorite parenting strategy of all time: Enforceable Statements!
I’ve blogged about them before, but today I’m motivated to update that important post.
Invariably there will be a gap between the behavior that we would like from our kids and their actual behavior. The parental response to such “bad behavior” is often commanding, nagging, scolding, threatening, or yelling. The result is tension in the home at best, resentment most likely, and at worst, hatred.
Telling our kids what they must do is what we call, in English, the “imperative mood”.
Here are some examples of this imperative approach: “Sit still”. “Be quiet.” “Keep your hands to yourself.” “Eat your peas.” “Clean your room right now.” “Stop that screaming.” “Do your homework.” “Take out the trash.” “Do the dishes.” “Get out there and mow the yard!!”
While I do believe that parents have the God-given right and authority to command their children, I have found that it’s more useful to set this “right” aside as often as possible because of how it affects the relationship with their kids.
The problem with a commanding approach is four-fold.
- People universally resent being told what to do — our kids are no different. It feels demeaning and disrespectful and authoritarian.
- It forces you and your kids into a “battle of the wills” in which everyone ends up losing. This is especially true for kids who are strong-willed, oppositional, or passive aggressive.
- Commands that are resisted are nearly impossible to enforce. If a child has a mind to ignore commands the subsequent battle will be just about impossible for the adult to win — without resorting to brute force.
- Regardless of who wins the battle, ongoing resentment wins the war.
Introducing another way to address bad behavior: Enforceable Statements!
Enforceable Statements are declarations of realities that are entirely within the control of parents. Instead of focusing on what the KID must do, you inform them of what YOU are going to do.
Here’s an example, “At 9 pm, I will be putting all of the toys that are not put away into ‘Toy Jail’, where you may bail them out later if you want.” Do you see the difference? Rather than telling the child what to do, the parent is informing the child what the parent will do. There is nothing to argue about or push back against.
Here’s an example from our home. We had a family rule that said, “We allow in our home any pet that you completely pay for and take care of.” (Notice that this rule is also an Enforceable Statement”.) Lexi, our youngest daughter owned a cat. The only part of cat ownership she disliked was changing the kitty litter, so you can imagine the potential this had to turn into weekly household battles! We used the following Enforceable Statement whenever the smell exceeded our acceptable level: “Lexi, guess what? Today is kitty litter changing day! If you haven’t changed it by midnight tonight one of us will will be happy to change it for you and reimburse ourselves $3 (for our inconvenience) from your next allowance.” It worked–she normally got right on it without hesitation. There were only a few times that she forgot and ended up “hiring” us. Thankfully, in the 10 years Lexi owned that cat we never had a single battle or a raised voice over cat poop!
A few points about Enforceable Statements.
1. Make them very measurable and clear. “I pay $1 a bag for leaves put in yard bags if done to my satisfaction.”
2. Only give options you’re willing to live with. Don’t say, “I’ll feed you tomorrow if you finish your supper.”
3. Don’t word them as threats, but rather as positive statements and/or rewards. “I read bedtime stories to kids who treat me with kindness during the day. Compare the tone of that to “I’m not reading to you because you were so rude to me earlier.”
4. Be gutsy. The parent must be willing (and courageous enough) to actually enforce what he or she declares. If a parent says, “I drive kids to soccer practice after school if I felt treated respectfully that morning” then the parent must be willing for the kid to miss practice. Think long-term: consistency in your enforcement will make them think twice before behaving badly the next time.
5. No empty threats. If you make an empty threat that you don’t intend to enforce, the child will quickly figure that out — and leave you helpless forever! Most of us have seen a parent say to their child in the middle of the mall, “Come over here right now or I’m going to leave without you!” This is a statement the parent has no intention of enforcing. Not only does this undermine the parent’s authority, it would undermine a young child’s basic trust and security.
Here are a bunch of examples of Enforceable Statements that I brainstormed for different ages of kids to give you some ideas of how these work in day to day life. Consider how approaching bad behavior in this way might reduce commanding, scolding and nagging in the home.
- I’ll serve your food as soon as you are buckled in your booster seat.
- I allow children to be at the table as long as they’re not throwing food on the floor.
- I respond to requests from those who 1. put it in the form of a question, 2. use the word, “Please” and 3. use a pleasant tone of voice.
- I provide “big girl pants” to children who are potty trained.
- I close the door when children scream. I open it when they are quiet.
- My ears are special — they don’t recognize the sound of whining, so if it seems like I’m not responding to you sometimes, that must be why.
- The car is leaving in 10 minutes. You may walk or I can carry you. You may be dressed or you can go to school in your jammies.
- I make disappear all toys that are thrown.
- I give treats to children who share their toys with others.
- I read TWO stories at bedtime to children who have shown extra kindness to others during the day.
- I will pay the babysitter a tip — an “inconvenience fee” — from the allowances of disrespectful children.
- I charge two dollars a minute to listen to fighting in the car. You may pay me with cash, confiscated toys, or extra chores.”
- I will serve supper until 7 pm. After that you’ll have to wait until breakfast to eat or eat PB&J.
- I’ll provide you with a meal of my choosing, which you must eat without complaining — if you don’t like what I serve feel free to eat leftovers . When you cook, I’ll promise not to complain and if I don’t like what you serve I’ll eat leftovers.
- I don’t allow pets to be mistreated. If I feel they are being neglected or abused I will find a new home for them.
- (depending on the kind of pet) I’m giving you complete responsibility for your pets. If you neglect them and they die, it will be your problem and on your conscience.
- I provide doors to kids who don’t slam them.
- I provide desserts and sweets to kids who brushed the sugar off of their teeth last night.
- I’ll be happy to take you shopping as soon as your chores are done to my satisfaction.
- I’ll wash any clothes that are put in the hamper.
- I’ll consider any dishes that aren’t rinsed and in the dishwasher to be considered by you to be reusable, so that’s what I’ll use in serving your next meal or beverage.
- I lend money to those who have collateral.
- I will match you dollar for dollar for birthday presents you purchase for your friends.
- We allow kids to have electronic devices as long as they check them in with us each night before bed. We’ll return them in the morning as long as there are no problems.
- I drive to practice those who behave pleasantly in the car.
- I made an adjustment to my car. The gas pedal now only works when there’s LOVE in the car! I’ll be happy to pull over and read my book if I’m not feeling love.
- I’ll provide the power cord for the wifi router whenever chores are done to my satisfaction.
- I’ll pay for sports for those who show good sportsmanship on and off the field.
- I charge 50 cents a mile for extra driving caused by your negligence.
- I’ll pay for music lessons for those who practice in between time.
- I’m going to mow the lawn at 7 pm. Any toys that are in the yard at that time will either be mowed or sent to “Toy Jail” at my discretion.
- I’ll enter the parental control password to the cable tv when you’ve finished all your homework.
- Pre-teens / Teens
- I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
- I’ll be glad to discuss this when I feel I’m being treated respectfully.
- I pay show choir expenses for those who treat me like a celebrity.
- I pay sports team expenses for those who treat me like a superstar.
- I’ll pay for lessons for one thing at a time (sports, music, etc.)
- I don’t call in excused absences for procrastination.
- I write school notes that are truthful. “Lexi is arriving late to school today because apparently she needs more than 4 alarm clocks.”
- I impound possessions of those who owe me money until the amount is paid. If need be I will sell those items on ebay or at a pawn shop to repay myself what you owe me.
- I’ll pay you $10 per hour for time you spend diligently working through the Smart Prep (ACT preparation) course.
- I’ll pay $6 per book report you get done in June, $3.50 for ones done in July; or $2.00 for ones done in August (to combat procrastination)
- I’ll pay 75% of all your church trip expenses; 50% of all school expenses.
- I’m happy to help you with homework until 10 pm, after which time I’m going to bed.
- I provide internet for those who use it responsibly, have accountability software installed, and who provide all passwords.
- I’ll pay for a phone for you after you’ve first paid for replacement insurance.
- I’ll allow you to have a smart phone, as long as you report to me any apps you’ve installed, given me a “tour” of them, and provided their passwords to me.
- I will make random inspections of your apps to verify your trustworthiness, but I promise not to snoop through your private messages unless you give me reason to doubt your truthfulness or your judgment.
- I’ll install pornography protection software on my own computer and designate your mother to receive reports of my internet use just like I will expect from you.
- I provide electricity to the rooms of those whose music doesn’t disturb other family members.
- I provide 10 minutes worth of free hot water. After that I charge $1 a minute, deducted from your allowance.
- I allow kids to go out at night who come home when they say they will.
- I will be comfortable letting you go on solo dates when you’ve convinced me I don’t have to worry about you giving in to physical temptations.
- I will be comfortable letting you go to school parties when I am convinced you are responsible enough to avoid substance use temptations.
- I will be comfortable letting you go to a stranger’s house party when their parents have convinced me there won’t be drugs or alcohol present.
- I will provide dishes to those who properly rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. Others may purchase their own paper plates, or eat off the tabletop (which will need cleaning afterwards).
- I’ll let you drive my car by yourself as soon as you’ve paid me a deposit in the amount of our insurance deductible.
- I’ll be happy to let you use the car as long as you convince me that I don’t have to worry about you using alcohol.
- I’ll be willing to let you stay out late on a school night as long as I’m convinced it won’t be detrimental to your school performance.
- I’ll make exceptions to the normal “curfew” when you’ve convinced me there’s a good reason for it and that I don’t have to worry about what you’re doing.
- Young Adults
- I’ll help pay for college for those who don’t smoke pot (as determined by random drug testing).
- I’ll match you dollar for dollar for paying college expenses.
- I’ll let you live here during your college breaks as long as you abide by my house rules without complaining, which involve keeping me informed of your whereabouts, being respectful, bringing no alcohol onto my property, asking my permission before having friends over, and doing chores or paying rent.
- Spouse – yes they work with spouses and everyone actually!
- I consider projects finished only when all the tools and mess are put away. At that time I will demonstrate my thanks to you! xoxoxo
- I’ll purchase grocery items that are written on the list on the refrigerator.
- I’ll wash any clothes that are put in the hamper.
- I’ll iron any shirts that are hung in the laundry room by 8 pm.
- I’m always happy to kiss lips that aren’t covered up with lipstick.
- I’m always happy to kiss faces that aren’t prickly.
- I’m happy to wash dishes that are rinsed and placed in the right hand sink.
I need to credit Love and Logic for introducing me to this concept years ago.