Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 4 of 6)

Over the years I’ve witnessed many families and friendships devastated by conflict.

I’ve observed how such people tend to position themselves as enemies, sparring with each other, inciting resentment, anger, indifference, or revenge.  All are wounded, some deeply.  Some for a lifetime.

So I don’t recommend sparring with your enemies.  Murder them instead.  

But before you go off and commit a capital offense, I’d like to redefine “the enemy.”  Because I think we get this wrong.

Usually, those of us in conflict view the other person as the enemy, hurting them, correcting them, resisting them, or simply avoiding them.  The outcome of this is that both parties end up even more wounded and the original conflicts actually end up compounded.

A better solution seems to be to declare the enemy to be the relational wall between you.  Make the wall the real problem, not the person on the other side of it.

So how do you murder this true enemy, the wall between you?  Here’s my 10-step battle plan.

1. Stop focusing so much on how the other person needs to apologize, accept responsibility, change, or conform to your expectations.  These things may be better addressed and received once the wall is down.
2. Choose to be Unoffendable.
3. Start talking about how awful it is to have a wall between you.  How you hate being disconnected relationally.  How you long for both of you to get to a place where you can be a blessing to one another.  How you desire a lifetime of mutual enjoyment of one another rather than one of perpetual wounding.
4. Express your commitment to begin removing the relational bricks that you contribute to the wall.
5. Humbly ask the other person to identify the bricks they’d like you to remove.
6. Listen.  Seek to understand.
7. Change what you can.  Explain what you can’t.
8. Always treat the other person with kindness, as a person you care about rather than a problem that you want fixed.
9. When they’re ready, gently let the other person know what changes they might make that would be helpful to you, i.e. what bricks they may have unknowingly added to the wall and how they might remove them.
10. Stay attentive to the condition of the wall and — as a team — keep working away at removing bricks one at a time.

Once you’ve set those bricks on the ground you’ll find instead that there’s now something else between you — a bridge!   The wall will have been completely obliterated.

And those are murders I love to witness!

I’ll never forget the day Bren was born.   Holding her for the first time I was completely smitten!  I was captivated — and indeed overwhelmed — by the realization that she was mine.  This perfect, beautiful, baby girl was given by God to me!  I relished the thought that I was to be her sole protector and provider.

Admiring her precious newborn body, my eyes came to rest on her tiny fingers.  When my glance landed upon her left ring finger I distinctly remember welling up with tears of sadness, dreading the day some man would snatch her away from me.

Photo by Clayton Besong

8,047 days later, I walked that same little girl down a long aisle to give her away to Tim.  This moment — like the previous — was accompanied by tears, but these were not tears of sadness, but rather joy.

The ease with which I gave her away to Tim would have shocked my “new dad” self of 22 years ago.  How did I attain this ability to hand her over so readily, something which was formerly unthinkable?  This is what I want to reflect on today.

1. The primary reason I could let her go, I think, was my gradual realization over the years that most of what I used to claim as my own was really not mine at all.  I came to see that all of the people and things in my life are mere temporary entrustments, not entitlements. These I should steward well and cherish dearly, but never presume they would always be mine to keep.  I’ve tried to remind myself of this in my prayers for my family, “…that I would shepherd and treasure them more and more, yet hold them looser and looser.”  I think this practice of “holding loosely” has helped me in numerous ways over the years including dealing with my birth-mom’s death and letting both girls leave home to go off to college.  It wasn’t unusual for my family to hear these words from me: “I don’t need you….but I sure do want you!”  They understood.
2. Another reason for my change of perspective I think has to do with my growing pursuit of contentment.  I’m learning to trust God with what He brings my way and not make demands of him for the future.  In that sense I want to fully live in the present, not in the past or in the future.
3. I’m pretty sure that on that first day with Bren I was entirely focused on what was best for me.  That has changed.  As I’ve gotten to know her and love her for who she is and learn of her passions and interests and loves it motivates me to focus on what’s best for her.  My delight is now wrapped up in hers, so giving her to Tim was a joy.  The tears I shed on her wedding day were not from a sense of my loss, but rather came from the realization of how much we mean to each other and how excited I was for her future with T.
4. Additionally, it helped a lot that B chose a godly young man who I am confident will protect and provide for her as well as I ever could have.  And knowing that her dream is to someday move to a needy and potentially hostile country somewhere on the other side of the world it’s nice to know she’ll have her own bodyguard!
5. Finally, the Frozen song “Let it Go” had a huge influence on my ability to release her to Tim’s care.  Nope, that one’s a lie.

It was Monday, September 15th.

The Title in the subject line was “Courtship”.  The sender was unknown to me, but still I knew immediately that this email was going to change our lives.  I was right.

“Dear Mr. Forstrom,” it began.  And it ended just as simply,  “-Tim Pierce”.

The rest of what Tim wrote was so impressive that I’m going to blog about it as a model for how to impress a girl’s dad.  I can’t speak for all dads, but it sure impressed this dad!  Perhaps other guys could learn from his example. He gave me permission to share his letter, so here are 8 things that impressed me…

1. How he described himself.   “Please allow me to briefly introduce myself. My name is Timothy Pierce, saved by the grace of God, raised in a large Christian family, and now a senior at SEMO in Engineering Physics. I grew up in southeast Missouri and now live in Cape and attend Cape Bible Chapel where God has allowed me to be involved in several different ministry opportunities.”  I liked that his identity was first defined by his faith and church and ministry involvement.

2. His purpose for writing. “The reason why I am contacting you is to begin a dialogue with you in pursuit of permission to begin courting your daughter Brenda.”  There was no presumptuousness in his statement.  He wasn’t telling me what he was going to do, rather he was requesting to dialogue with me about the topic of him potentially courting Brenda.  I felt very honored by this.

3. His description of how he knows Brenda. “We met in our very first class of our very first semester. However, it was not really until last semester via Perspectives, music at church, small groups, etc. that we really became friends and got to know each other very well at all.”

4. His description of what attracted him to Brenda.  “I deeply respect her relationship with Jesus and commitment to the Word as being very strong and real.She exhibits a high level of maturity and humility that I find rare among young Christian women. Her testimony among other believers and leaders in this area is very God-honoring. I have very much enjoyed getting to know her and have already found myself personally challenged by her example.”  I’ve said before — and even blogged about it — that I always hoped a boy would be attracted to my daughters’ character above all else.  This is the kind of boy I’d always hoped my daughters would attract.

5. His direction in life.  “We also have a lot of common ground in terms of [overseas service].”   Knowing that Brenda has become convinced that she’s supposed to serve God overseas, it was important for me to hear that he is interested in the same thing.  Had he not said this, he would have seemed to be a diversion to her overseas commitments.  I would later learn that they both independently developed a heart for northwest Africa.

6. His description of how he decided to pursue her.  “Now, through much prayer, scripture, consideration, fasting, and counsel of others I feel that God is leading me to move forward.”  This may have been the most impressive thing in the whole letter.  He was taking this very seriously.  I don’t know of very many young men who would go to so much effort to discern God’s leading.  Fasting particularly stood apart.  That’s serious!

7. His coming to me before even telling Brenda he wanted a relationship with her.  “Brenda does not know that I am contacting you. I have never said anything to her about a relationship, and I have never taken her out on a date (or anyone else for that matter).”   Wait, so you’re telling me before even telling her?  Wow.  Never heard of anything like this, but I can’t think of a better way to impress this dad!   This statement also told me that his writing me was genuine, in other words, Brenda didn’t put him up to this (“If you really want to impress my dad, do this…”) Obviously he’s naturally impressive!   He continued, “God laid it on my heart to obtain your permission and blessing, and to come to a mutual understanding of the meaning and boundaries of the relationship before pursuing her.”  Wow.  I am being invited to help them define their relationship and help them set boundaries.  It’s like I just won the lottery.

8. His waiting upon me to respond.  “I look forward to hearing from you as you feel led to respond, and until then I will be waiting and praying!”

How impressed was I?  Very.  Part of me wanted to reply, “No, you may NOT court her….let’s dispense with those formalities….just go ahead and marry her please.”

Since it’s a topic that affects our youth ministry, I’ve decided to put my thoughts on Teenage Dating in writing.  I don’t expect most people to agree with my views, but I do feel it might be useful for me to present them in case they might be beneficial to anyone.

I have been observing the teenage dating culture for the past 29 years that I’ve been in youth ministry and this has given me a unique vantage point for formulating my views.

I’ll start by saying right up front that I’m not “anti-dating” and I don’t judge anyone who chooses to date. Dating couples have my blessing and I really hope things work out well for them. In fact, I have known several dating couples in youth group over the years whose relationship I greatly respect. And I’ve even had the privilege of officiating at a few of their weddings!

But in my observation, for every one dating success story there are dozens that can only be described as “epic fail”. To me, teenage dating puts a couple on a precarious path along the edge of a cliff! Almost all of them fall off the cliff at some point and then there’s a huge relational mess to clean up at the bottom. The longer they’ve ascended that path before falling, the greater the damage. Very few make it to the top of the hill.

I feel like far too much of youth ministry is spent cleaning up the messes left from dating (the drama, the depression, the gossip, the revenge, people choosing sides, “I’m not coming if he’s here,” etc.) So if you ever sense my hesitation at the news of another dating couple, that’s why. I’ve been conditioned by experience to predict that most will end in grief — and that grief will affect us all.

Criticism alone isn’t useful, so I want to present a positive alternative to dating at the end of this post. But before I do that, let me describe more fully what concerns me about these typical dating relationships.

MY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TRADITIONAL DATING.

■ Getting a bf or gf is often driven by feelings, the need for self-acceptance, or social approval.
■ They experience pressure from friends to have a bf or gf in order to fit in.
■ Many students feel they “need” a bf or gf in order to function and their whole sense of well-being revolves around this.
■ They sometimes even experience pressure from parents to have a good looking bf or gf (I wonder if having “datable” kids makes parents feel more successful?)
■ The relationship usually begins with trying to impress the other person and trying to win him or her over, but the real person remains hidden behind a mask.
■ The relationship is formalized by asking the other to “go out” — which is an undefined, temporary pseudo-commitment or contract of sorts. In reality the promise made is basically “I’ll be somewhat loyal to you for now.”
■ This pseudo-commitment necessitates “Defining the Relationship” continually.
■ They rely on words like “I love you” and “in a relationship” Facebook statuses and use pet names, flirting, teasing, good looks, and immodesty. These are shallow ways to try to keep the relationship secure.
■ Life is much more stressful, complicated, and dramatic with so much riding on the status of the relationship.
■ The more confident partner often discovers he or she has power and control over the more insecure one. Sometimes this turns into manipulation, with the more vulnerable one pressured to please the other so as not to lose the relationship.
■ The couple often gets preoccupied with the relationship which makes other things suffer (like grades or church).  Texting continuously keeps them hooked on one another 24/7.
■ The pursuit of God often takes a backseat to the pursuit of each other.
■ They tend to become a clique of two, isolating themselves from others.
■ Their isolation presents more opportunities for physical temptation and compromise.
■ They pursue intimacy (emotionally physically, and spiritually) without awareness that one type of intimacy often leads to the others.
■ Jealousy often occurs in others who wish to “lay claim” to the bf or gf.
■ It becomes awkward to speak with or enjoy friendships with those of the opposite sex.
■ Old friends frequently become neglected and hurt, having been replaced by the bf or gf.
■ The couple often withdraws from family to spend excessive time together.
■ They often feel a sense of entitlement over the other person’s time, attention, and body.
■ It easily focuses on “getting” rather than “giving”. This is a consumer mindset so common in our culture.
■ Dating costs a lot of time, money, and emotional investment, making it harder to get out if it’s become unhealthy.
■ When one partner habitually pays for the other’s expenses, it creates a sense of “IOU” which can lead to manipulation.
■ Dating couples often become preoccupied with thoughts of their future life together and miss enjoying the present.
■ Many dating partners continuously check up on what the other person is doing — which indicates insecurity and control. This smothers the other person and robs them of freedom.
■ Breaking up is hard to do. Many of them experience great heartbreak and sometimes even depression when they break up. Both suffer, but the one who cared the most ends up the most wounded.
■ They often end up with much regret over having invested so much time, emotion, and money in what turned out to be only a temporary relationship.
■ It gets very awkward after a breakup. They don’t know how to relate to their Ex or their Ex’s friends.
■ Friends often take sides after a breakup, causing divisions and wounds which can last for years and destroy unity.

Whew!

Can dating happen without these red flags or pitfalls?  Certainly.  I’ve seen it firsthand.  But can anyone deny that these concerns I’ve listed are very very common? I’m guesing, “No”.  Overall, the world of teenage dating is a mess! Our youth group has been adversely affected at various times over the years by the fallout of dating-gone-bad as described above. People have even quit coming to church over such things. Do you see why traditional dating makes me a little squeemish?

SO WHAT’S MY ALTERNATIVE? FRIENDATIONSHIP!

Instead of blindly conforming to the world’s custom of dating, what if guys and girls could experience something entirely different — with none of the consequences and almost all of the benefits! I’ve seen a few counter-cultural teenagers over the years who have modeled what I’m about to describe and they’ve earned my respect. I don’t know of a name for this kind of relating, so I’m going to use one my friend Erin proposed. Let’s call it “Friendationship.”

Friendationship — to me — is when a guy and a girl enjoy a healthy friendship without any of the negatives listed above. Like any normal friendship, they spend time getting to know each other. The friendship just happens slowly over time with no pretense. As their natural friendship grows, they find that they enjoy being together and so they naturally spend more time together. Their time together is often spent with others and in groups and with families in a variety of setting (missions trips, etc). They may go on occasional dates but these are not the substance of their relational time.  They may freely go on dates with others as well — it’s not “cheating” because such dates do not infer commitment. In fact, they likely have several friendationships going on simultaneously as they connect socially people of the opposite sex.  This helps them learn what qualities they like or don’t like in members of the opposite sex.  The friendationship may grow closer or futher apart over time, but this happens naturally and mutually and without a lot of stress or emotional turmoil. Their emotional health never hinges on “where they stand.” It’s impossible for them to “break up” because no “contract” was ever made regarding their status. They don’t need or rely on “I love you’s,” labels (BFF), exchanging of tokens, etc. They don’t need to “define the relationship” much at all except to learn ways to be a better friend to the other. These teens find no shame in their Facebook status of “single” because they fully enjoy living freely rather than enter the world of “it’s complicated”. They purposefully avoid dwelling on thoughts of romantic relationships or marriage, recognizing that those decisions are many years away and can wait. They recognize that they must restrain themselves from getting too close, keeping intimacy at a healthy level. They guard their hearts and work hard to be accountable and to keep their feelings in check, knowing that now is not the time to explore those areas. Their lives revolve around God, not each other. Their pursuit of God exceeds their pursuit of romance. They keep their natural sex drives under control by choosing to avoid pornography, steamy romance novels and sensually-charged entertainment. They patiently trust God to provide for their needs and their future — in His time.

THE OUTCOME OF FRIENDATIONSHIP.

Over time the guy and girl may end up being somewhat distant friends, great friends, or maybe even best friends — all are good options! Friendships just happen and they are to be enjoyed when they do.

After the couple leaves their teen years (for most, not all) and when they know themselves better and have their life direction and financial means figured out, then they can begin focusing on choosing a marriage partner. This is the time to leave the Friendationship Stage and enter what many refer to as the “courtship” stage of life, or “God-centered dating”.  But unlike other courtship models, this stage implies a formal pursuit of marriage with the person who has already become your best friend — the one you’ve figured out you can’t live without!  It’s true that love can be blind, so you’ll also have an added safeguard — the confirmation of others.  Your friendationship has been on display for everyone around you to observe so if you’re obviously well-matched the decision for the two of you to pursue marriage will become a social mandate!  You’ll hear comments like “When are the two of you going to start pursuing marriage?”

CONCLUSION.

I think seven of the most precarious words in the teenage world are, “Will you go out with me…yes!” Those few words instantly set them upon that precarious path up the hill along the cliff. At that point there are only two possible outcomes of such an arrangement:  a painful break-up (likely) or marriage (unlikely). I think teenagers would be wise to avoid placing themselves in such a vulnerable position and focus instead on developing healthy Friendationships.

That’s my conclusion for you to consider. I’d love to hear your feedback and comments!

ONE FINAL WORD OF CLARIFICATION.

Regardless of whether you are doing traditional dating or seeking a Friendationship, I think it’s important to be sure to communicate your relationship intentions so the person you’re relating to doesn’t have different expectations. If you’re simply pursuing a healthy friendationship make that very clear so the other person doesn’t read romantic intentions into your friendly behavior. If you choose a dating relationship, talk about what that does or doesn’t mean.

Girls, who often crave security, are prone to having their hearts wounded by false expectations of commitment, so guys take the lead and be clear about what kind of relationship you are initiating.