Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 5 of 6)

This past Wednesday our youth group talked about “sibling rivalry” as part of a three-week series called, “Family Ties.” As part of the night, Andrew Boone interviewed Cindy, Brenda, Lexi, and I about our family dynamics. As we shared about how our family works, we mentioned how restorative justice has helped keep conflicts from escalating in our home.

I’ve talked about this before, but for those who might be interested, I’d like to explain this important concept again.

It’s inevitable that family members will hurt one another.  Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes accidental.  Sometimes it involves an action done and sometimes it’s something neglected.  Sometimes it involves words, sometimes simply body language.  The hurt is caused by unawareness of others (at best) and disrespectful hate (at worst.)  In any case, it’s always hurtful to family harmony and therefore requires some sort of response from us parents.

But how should we respond to such hurtful treatment?  Here are two common responses that I think fall short:

Punishment.  Often parents inflict punishments that have no relationship to the hurt that was caused.  Spanking.  Being sent to your room.  Grounding.  Loss of computer privileges, etc.  I know these parents are well-meaning in what they are doing. However, I suggest that this response falls short — the wounded party remains wounded and the offending party feels arbitrarily punished, which breeds resentment. The goal of family harmony has not been reached.

Requiring Apologies.  Sometimes parents take another approach at resolving the issue by forcing an apology.   Apologies are a good thing and they do bring healing when they’re genuine. The problem with this is that if the offender isn’t truly sorry about what he did, he can’t honestly apologize, so this forces him to lie.  True, you may get a lip-service apology, but it’s not heartfelt and I would suggest that the wounded party remains wounded (perhaps more so because a false apology adds insult to injury).  And the offender has been encouraged to simply go through the motions. Again, this falls short of the goal.

So what’s the alternative?  I suggest…

Restorative justice.   The idea here is that when one family member hurts another, the response should primarily involve giving the victim justice rather than punishing the offender.   If something is stolen, it must be returned.  If someone has been dealt pain, they should be given pleasure.  If someone has been treated disrespectfully, they should be treated with respect.  If someone is cut down, they should be built up.  (By the way, i consider put-downs, sassing, sarcasm, and sneering as a robbery of self-worth, so restoring self-worth is the appropriate antidote even for these.)

This idea stems from the very nature of God Himself–His justice! The concept here is that the victimizer must repay the victim — whether he is sorry or not. The injustice must be acknowledged and the offender (if of age) should have to propose some sort of compensation that will sufficiently right his wrongs. The victim (if of age) needs to determine if the proposal is sufficient compensation or not.  If the two parties can’t agree on proper compensation, then the parents will need to intervene and assign whatever is appropriate.

(By the way, this principle should apply to offending parents as well as the kids–everyone deserves to be treated with value and everyone needs to make things right when we fall short of that!)

Restorative Justice is how we run our home, and I credit it with giving us a great deal of family harmony which is a great treasure to us. And it’s self-perpetuating. Brenda and Lexi have learned to resolve their own injustice issues without much intervention from us at all.

But beyond the immediate family harmony that we enjoy today, there’s also a longer-lasting benefit I’d like to mention: building character for life!  Restorative Justice has become so ingrained in our family system that it’s now just the way we think. We’ve learned that all people are made in the image of God and therefore deserve to be treated with respect and that we must always make things right when we inevitably hurt one another!

I’m sitting here listening to the sounds of a baby crying upstairs in our house.  Sounds that bring back fond memories.

We found an old box of videotapes recently and Lexi particularly has been enthralled with looking at these old family memories.   We have hours and hours of footage of baby Brenda.  Brenda being held.  Brenda staring at the camera.  Brenda opening Christmas presents.  Brenda beign changed.  Brenda taking a bath.  Brenda gurgling.  Brenda rolling over.  Brenda “singing.”   Brenda rolling the ball.  Brenda smiling adorably.  It’s priceless.

Then Lexi asked the question I was dreading, “where are the videos of me as a baby?”   There are none.  I feel like an abusive parent.  Like she’ll grow up feeling 2nd rate.  Like we didn’t love her as much as we loved Brenda (which certainly isn’t true, but the evidence would lead to this conclusion.)  Like she’ll suffer emotional scars because of parents who treated her like this.

I just apologized again to her for this negligence, but it can never undo this oversight.  If I could do it all over again I’d make it a point to take equal footage of her, or at the very least some footage.   

Maybe this post will cause some of you to get the camera out right now and shoot some footage.   I don’t want you to experience the regret I’m feeling right now.

For three years I lived in the guys’ dorm at Moody Bible Institute.  As you can imagine, two dozen guys living on our floor produced a bit of mess!  Who should clean up that mess?  It was only appropriate that each of us would take turns cleaning the lounge, doing the dishes, and vacuuming.  It would be unfair for guys to live with all the benefits of community without helping pay the price.  Except for the year we had a paraplegic on our floor, everyone always took their turn.  To be able-bodied, but refuse to pitch in would be freeloading.  And few things irk us more than freeloaders!

Similarly, we don’t appreciate freeloaders in our society at large.   We get upset with those who could work but don’t–those who benefit from the hard work of others without helping.  This is an attitude of entitlement.  They are takers, but they refuse to be givers.

In healthy communities, capable members share the responsibilities and don’t mooch off the others.  We see this exact philosophy in Paul’s admonition to the Thessalonian church, “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” (2 Thes 3:10b)

Now I’d like to take this thought a step further and suggest that families are communities in exactly the same way.  Which brings to mind…

Five Principles for Family Chores

First, household chores are the natural cost of living in community.  In order to run a home someone needs to do the shopping, launder the clothes, shovel the walk, pay the bills, take out the garbage, scrub the toilets, cook the food, mow the yard, etc.  Without any of these things, the family system is hindered.  Each family member reaps the benefits of the chores being done and each family member suffers when they are left undone.

Second, I think parents are wise if they require kids from a very early age to be contributors to the family system by doing their fair share of chores.  (To not do so teaches our kids to be freeloaders, leaving the parents to do the bulk of the work.  An entitlement mentality is being taught by this approach.)  From preschool on, I believe every family member should understand that their family is depending on their help.  The family is a team and everyone must pitch in for the team and do their fair share.

Third, when I say “fair share” I mean that as they age, their responsibility level should increase according to their abilities.  A toddler can help the home in tiny ways, such as picking up the toys.  Here it’s the child’s effort that’s important not the amount of his contribution.  But stretch them to do as much as they are reasonably capable of and continue to increase their responsibility level over time until it comes close to matching the household workload of the parents.  There are very few chores–if any–that a teenager can’t do, so they should be expected to do their fair share of them.

We first thought to implement these concepts in our home when the kids were about three and six.  We had a family meeting one day where we listed out all the things necessary to run our home.  It was a long list!  We explained that as a family it only made sense for everyone to pitch in–parents and kids.  So, we started writing down names next to each chore, taking volunteers at first and making reasonable assignments with what was left.  Lexi thought it would be fun to scrub the toilets.  Brenda chose to cook on Mondays.  On it went until we had a reasonable distribution of tasks:  vacuuming, laundry “whites”, packing lunches, garbage, recyclables, setting the table, doing dishes, cooking on the other nights, etc.  We all agreed Cindy should continue to pay the bills!   I just found the first edition of our Chore Chart for those interested.  Over the years we’ve revisited our list and have made lots of adjustments as you can tell from this version. Now we don’t have a chart at all, it’s just intuitive. And thankfully, we’ve come to the point where–with the girls now being 13 and 16–we’re approaching chore equilibrium!

Forth, giving kids household responsibility prepares them for life.  What a gift it is for kids to have learned all the lifeskills that go into running a household!  Think of how much better equipped for college, marriage, parenting, and life they will be if they’ve been cross-trained on a variety of household chores!

Finally, should allowances be tied to chores?  My view is “no” for two good reasons.  A.  To me, chores are what we owe to the other family members.  At our house, we say, “no one will thank you, no one will praise you!”  Chores are simply what we owe each other for the privilege of living in this family.”   B.  Chores should be a relational issue, not a monetary one.  When we neglect (or forget) our chores, the other family members will naturally suffer and the relational consequences of that must be faced.  If Lexi forgets to fix dinner on a Tuesday, three hungry people will begin complaining!  If people don’t have clean clothes to war the laundry person will be confronted.  If I don’t take out the garbage, my family will complain about the smell.   When our neglect lets others down, family chore assignments force us to deal with people, not piggy banks!  We have to resolve our relational neglectfulness in ways that a mere loss of allowance money can’t fix.  (For example, some kids don’t care a thing about money–is it ok for them to “pay their way out of” ever having to contribute to the family system?)  Making chores unpaid forces us to solve the relational problems that our negligence creates.  Sometimes the solution involves making a deal with another family member to cover the missed chore (such as hiring them!)  Sometimes it involves some form of restitution.   Sometimes, it’s just an apology.  But it’s always primarily relational in nature.

(Note:  we do give our kids “stipend” allowances, but they are not at all connected to chores.  We see them as part of the benefits that come with being members of the Forstrom family.  When we do our family budget each year, we apportion such allowances.  As the kids get older their allowances increase–as do the number of things they are responsible to buy for themselves!  But that’s the subject of another post!)

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A forgotten homework assignment from Men’s Fraternity encouraged us dads to discuss with each family member a list of various traits and how they relate to each of us.  One night last fall, after Cindy had gone to bed, my daughters (age 12 and 15) and I were in a mood to chat, and I happened to remember the forgotten assignment.   I retrieved my workbook from the van and for the next hour and a half, the three of us chatted and laughed and pondered and evaluated what traits are unique and important to each of us.  It was one of those rare, insightful, “magic moments” that you treasure forever.

One of the traits to be discussed was the word “plain,” which launched us into a wonderful conversation about appearances.  This gave me an opportunity to formulate into words what I had been thinking about for a while:  how I hope that my daughters are always rather plain in appearance.

Now I know to some of you what I just said sounds horrible.  In this world which values fashion, glamour, and beauty, such a statement sounds almost emotionally abusive.  In fact, I’ve even read books by well-known Christian authors which talk about how essential it is for dads to frequently tell their daughters how pretty and beautiful they look.

So what kind of dad would wish plainness on his own daughters?   This one.

Having been completely surrounded by teenagers for the past 22 straight years, I’ve learned a thing or two about the adolescent male mind!  I know exactly what turns heads and captivates the eyes and sets guys upon a mad pursuit to satisfy their physical longings.  And quite frankly, I don’t want my girls to be the object of such sensual arousals (outside of courtship and marriage.)

I often express to them how I love that their focus is on inward beauty, character, commitment, respect, integrity, and love for others rather than on make-up and fashion and hairstyles.  How I love that they spend their hours in front of books and sheet music and creative projects rather than in front of the mirror, trying to become more “datable”.  How I appreciate that they honor their “brothers” by dressing modestly and acting responsibly and helping redefine what I think to be true femininity.

We talked about how it would be easy to attract any degenerate guy with their body, but how a true gentleman would be sufficiently attracted to their character.  How “the bait you use determines the kind of fish you catch.”  How the treadmill of appearance management is no way to truly live.  How miserable are those whose lives consist of becoming head-turners. We talked about Miss California and Donald Trump, and Mary-Kate and Ashley, and the Bachelorette, and wardrobe malfunctions, and proms, and body piercing and a whole lot more.   And they get it!

So I’ll say it again:  I hope my girls keep themselves rather plain in appearance.  And I hope they always work to stay beautiful inwardly.   By doing so, they’ll indeed be quite a catch someday!

And I think I have some scripture to back me up.

 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Prov 31:30

I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. 2 Tim 2:9-10

Last Tuesday was a milestone day in the Forstrom household as Bren purchased her first car!  She’s been saving her money for such a purchase for three years (since she was 12).

Two weeks ago she had asked if we could go out car shopping.  I was shocked to find out she had accumulated $1,500 in her checking account from babysitting and unused gift money.

We figured we’d better look for something less than $1,000 to leave margin for taxes, the title, the plates, and to leave some left for repairs.  So off we went to hunt for cars with three digit numbers on the windshield.

We found this gem at Hawkeye Auto in Marion waaaay in the back of the lot.  It’s not much to look at, but hey, it’s the inside that counts, right!  Actually, the car is in great shape and has less miles than either of our other two vehicles.  (We may be paying her for mileage on our next trip to New Jersey!)  And she’s excited about having a painting party (yes, using Rustoleum) before her 16th birthday next week.   There’s no risk there–it can only improve the looks!

I’m guessing that most parents are a bit more generous when it comes to their kids and new cars.  And that’s great.  But our philosophy–which we communicated to the girls long ago–is that when the day came that they’d want their own car, they’d need to purchase it themselves.  (Our theory is that they’ll be more aware of their car’s value and therefore more prone to be careful with it.)

For those curious, when she gets her license next week we’re paying to add her to our insurance for our two cars.  But she’s paying for everything pertaining to hers.

[Follow up to this post.  That little car lasted her 4 years (the last two were spent driving back and forth to college in Missouri) after which, she ended up giving it away to a carless kid since her grandparents had a VW Beetle for sale–a deal she couldn’t pass up!]