Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 3 of 7)

The other day a parent messaged me, wondering what to do about a lying teenager.   Her question prompted me to flesh out this post that I started almost two years ago.

Let me start by saying that “lying” is one of the things that ought to be on every parent’s “Majors” list.  I’ve blogged about Majors and Minors elsewhere, but let me just state that few things are more “Major” than having family relationships based on trust.   Lying within the home can’t be ignored.

But just because something is on the Majors list doesn’t mean it has to be dealt with severely or punitively–it just has to be dealt with.  In the case of a child’s lying, I think it may be just as useful to consider the reasons for the child’s lying, rather than be solely punitive about it.  Before jumping to confrontations, it would seem useful to think about what internal things may be going on that might make them (and us–if we were honest) choose to lie.  Rather than immediately react to what they did wrong, let’s slow down, gather all the information, and listen.  Only then can we learn what’s really going on with our children.  Here are six possible reasons they might be lying.

1. Some kids lie out of fear.  Could it be that our discipline methods are overly strict?  Any reasonable child would want to lie to avoid “setting off” an unreasonably punitive parent.  Parents would be wise to consider whether they may be over-disciplining.  An honest heart-to-heart conversation between the child and parents might reveal rules and expectations that are overbearing.  If so, negotiating better rules and expectations might eliminate the need for the child to lie for self-protection.

2. Some lie so as to not hurt loved ones.  Perhaps the lying is intended as a way to make the parents less anxious, worried, or crushed by the child’s choices.  Thus, lying could actually be intended as a kindness.  Such children view their parents as fragile; such parents need to convince their children that their own well-being doesn’t depend on the child doing everything perfectly.  As I’ve controversially stated elsewhere, the parents need to communicate that they don’t need their kids to behave in order for them to thrive.  The parents should model a resilient faith in Jesus that doesn’t need to pressure their kids into making perfect decisions all the time.  In fact, it’s ok for them to fail!

3. Some kids lie as a way to protect someone else.  As in the previous case, such lying might actually be intended as a kindness.  The biblical Rahab hid the Israelite spies on her roof–and lied about it to the authorities.  Her lying saved not only the spies but also the lives of her own family–and she was rewarded for doing the right thing!   Likewise, the child who lies to the stranger at the door–saying their absent parent is home but “can’t come to the door”–is being wise, not wicked.  In the same way, the kid who lies to keep a friend from getting in trouble is likely trying to do the greater good.  Parents would do well to have conversations with their kids about when lying may be appropriate, when covering for a friend may be helping them, and when it actually might be hurting them unknowingly.  Discussing how “true friends” should relate to each other is an important concept for them to understand during their years of nurturing in your home.  Sometimes friends need to “wound” others rather than enable them to avoid responsibility.  (Proverbs 27:6.)

4. Some kids lie so as not lose their parents’ approval.  These kids have a perception that their parents’ love and acceptance depends on their good behavior.  Wise parents would do well to communicate that–no matter what good or bad choices their kids may make in life–their love will never be in question.  It is important to keep a distinction between the child’s behavior and their personhood.  They need to be convinced that we unconditionally delight in their personhood, eliminating this reason to lie about their behaviors.

5. Sometimes kids lie to build themselves up.  Each of us has a longing to feel accepted by others, so it’s no surprise that this is a common motive for kids’ lying.  In this competitive “selfie-saturated” world of ours it’s easy to see why exaggerating one’s achievements may seem necessary for social survival.  Lying may also be a defense mechanism to avoid bullying. If self-preservation is the cause of your child’s lying then berating him or her for lying might actually be adding to their feelings of not measuring up.  Rather than punishing such boasting, it would be better to spend time empathetically listening to them while looking for opportunities to convey biblical truth to them about their worth in the eyes of God.  Pray for them–and with them–about this.

On the other hand, if the child is lying as a way to put others down, that should also be addressed with a heart-to-heart discussion.  Beneath the rough exterior of most bullies is insecurity.  Helping them see how their lying may be wounding others is important for them to learn.

6. Some kids lie to cover up their rebellion.  This kind of lying needs to be carefully handled as it indicates a deficiency in the child’s heart.  Since we have no ability to directly change a heart, prayer is the best thing parents can do in such cases.  But we can also indirectly affect their heart by the way we respond to their rebellious lying.  Will it require consequences?  Absolutely!  But as stated earlier, be sure the consequences are reasonable.  Any obvious overreaction will make the child focus on the parents’ faults rather than his or her own bad behavior.   (This is where delayed consequences can really help avoid the perception that parents are being unreasonable and impulsive in their punishments.  Such a delay buys the parent ample time to pray, think, and consult with others regarding which appropriate consequence would help the child learn the best lesson.)

Six Final Considerations:

First, since character is “more caught than taught,” parents must be careful to always model lives of personal integrity.  If the kids overhear the parent calling in sick to work–while heading out to the golf course–no amount of lecturing on life’s virtues will compensate!

Second, reward honesty.  Every time we catch our kids telling the truth, let’s affirm that wise choice.

Third, as I mentioned at the top of this post, lying often results in a breach of trust within the home.  Consequences–if there are any– should be tailored to address this issue. It’s appropriate to reign in the leash if the freedom of a longer leash has been mishandled.  This is a true principle that will apply for all of life.

Fourth, consequences should last as briefly as possible, with the stated goal of wanting to restore their freedom as soon as they show they can handle it.   We want them to have freedom–and we want them to use it responsibly.  Offer hope for a better tomorrow.  “Grounded for a year” will only produce resentment instead of shaping a child’s character.  Trust and verify.

Fifth, consider whether the lying might be age-related.  It should be noted that preschool children typically manifest lying as part of their normal development.  They may not fully grasp the difference between fantasy and reality–an example would be having an “imaginary friend.”  They also are experimenting with reading others’ perceptions and controlling their own actions.  Parents should keep this in mind as they confront the lying of preschoolers in the home.  Kang Lee has done some interesting research (and a Ted talk) on the subject of early-childhood lying if you’re interested.

Finally, is the lying related to mental disabilities or trauma?  I haven’t studied these issues yet, but consideration might need to be made for such cases.  I’ll edit this post as I learn more during my graduate school counseling training.

This is an actual photo of one of our children’s bedrooms.  I won’t mention which child it was to protect Lexi’s identity.

In my previous post, I talked about how parents need to determine which household expectations are essential and which are optional.   In this post I’m going to share two of our “Minors” that may surprise you.  But before I do, please note that I’m not suggesting that our “Minors” should be yours.  Every set of parents needs to determine what they can live with and what is necessary for the well-being of the family and sanity of the parents.   That said, here are two of our “Minors”…

BEDROOM TIDINESS.   We chose to make bedroom tidiness a “Minor” in our home.  We opted to never have a battle over the condition of our kids’ rooms.   We gave them the privilege and the responsibility to organize and manage the stuff in their rooms however they wanted.  The only stipulations were that there could be no dirty dishes or food crumbs left in the room, and any dirty clothes they wished to be laundered had to be put in the hamper in our bedroom.  Other than that, they had complete creative control over the condition of their rooms.  And our girls were creative!

[It’s important to note that this rule –or lack thereof — pertained only to their bedrooms.  They were still expected to keep the common areas of our house picked up and had to take care of any messes they made throughout the house.  Keeping our common living space picked up was a “Major!”]

Now I can imagine that some of you reading this might take issue with our lackadaisical bedroom policy and push-back as follows…

• This teaches them to be sloppy people.  Perhaps, but we’d rather have sloppy kids that we enjoy being around than kids who resent us for constantly nagging them to clean their rooms.   And in our experience, the sloppiness of their rooms didn’t spill over into other areas of their lives: schoolwork, musicianship, work ethic, and doing ministry.
• Kids like yours won’t learn how to clean and be tidy.  They were required to keep the rest of the house tidy, so they did learn cleaning and organizing skills!  But we wanted them to practice managing their own lives, organizing their rooms when it was important to them.  We found that there were two main situations that motivated them to be clean and tidy:  1.) When they were sick of their mess or frustrated by not being able to find the important things they had buried.  Failure is a good teacher!   When this happened they would sometimes go on a self-imposed cleaning binge until their rooms were immaculate!  This always gave them a peaceful and satisfying feeling!  2.)  When friends or guests were coming over and they would feel too embarrassed to have them see their messy rooms.  Positive peer pressure at its best!
• Won’t this teach them disrespect for others?  Making bedroom clutter a “Minor” worked for us because our girls had their own rooms so their mess didn’t affect anyone else.  But because respect was a “Major” value in our home they entered college prepared to keep their dorm rooms tidy  out of respect for their roommates.  
• How could you parents tolerate living with that mess in your house?   Honestly, sometimes we closed the door — out of sight, out of mind!  At other times we stood at the door and chuckled at the sight,  We chose to view it as entertaining rather than annoying.   Sometimes we’d ask, “How’s that working for you?”    We made it their problem, not ours.

CLOTHING CHOICES.  We also chose to never have a battle over clothing with our girls (as long as they were modest).   From a very young age (3 or so) we let them choose their own outfits and only rarely would we regulate what they wore (e.g. family pictures, holiday attire, weddings, funerals, etc.)  This meant that we sent them off to school and church wearing what they felt like wearing, which may or may not have matched the fashion etiquette of the day!   We figured it was good for them to choose their attire as a way to express their individuality.  This encouraged them that it was ok to be themselves.  As they grew older and more aware of social norms it also forced them to make decisions on how “conforming” to their peer group they wanted to be.

Let me illustrate this “Minor” with one of my favorite stories about Bren.*

It was a blizzardy, mid-winter Sunday morning and church should have been cancelled, but wasn’t.  I had gone ahead to church already, but Cindy was still at home getting herself ready with our three-year-old daughter, Bren.   Bren had chosen her church outfit for the day: a dressy plaid skirt, a red, tattered, Micky Mouse sweatshirt, and flipflops!  Making mention of the frigid temperatures and pointing out the blankets of descending snow outside, Cindy advised Bren that it might be a better choice to join her in wearing boots rather than flip-flops.  But Bren’s mind had been made up — she was determined to wear those flip-flops!

Rather than engage in a potentially lengthy and emotional battle with a strong-willed child over footwear, Cindy wisely decided to drop the issue completely, and began loading up the car and heading to church.

The trek through the snowy church parking lot to the front door provided the perfect teachable moment for Bren.  By the time they got inside Bren’s feet must have been absolutely miserable, although she tried hard not to show it.

One thing we do know, however:  never again did Bren choose to wear flip-flops in a blizzard!

So what was Cindy’s biggest challenge that cold morning?  It wasn’t Bren or her footwear choice.  It was the awareness that other moms might judge her as being a bad mom because she allowed her three-year old go to church in a blizzard in flip-flops.   Her concerns were well founded — in fact, just recently, a woman admitted to having done just that on that fateful morning.  But rather than feel guilty, Cindy knows that she did what was best that day:  avoiding a needless battle, letting Bren learn from her mistake, and arriving at church in a joyful mood!

I couldn’t agree more!  Now read the Final Post in this series on Majors and Minors.

[Note: flip-flops in the winter was a “Minor” in this case because it only involved Bren having to walk across a snowy parking lot.  If she would have been walking to school or watching a parade for an hour, that would have been a different scenario.   Having to amputate frostbitten toes pushes the issue into the “Major” category!]

              * the stories and photo above are used with my kids’ permission!

One of the biggest mistakes we parents make is when we Major on the Minors.  It wastes energy, causes us undo consternation, and jeopardizes our relationship  with our kids.

In a previous post, I wrote about how parents have a God-given responsibility for managing their families.  It is certainly the parents’ job to decide what will and will not be allowed in the home.   In this post I want to encourage parents to carefully evaluate your current household expectations and rules to see if they may need rethinking.

Every parental expectation or rule  can be separated into two categories:  Majors and Minors.  They can be either spoken or unspoken, formal or informal, articulated or perceived.

By Majors, I mean the things that we absolutely require of our kids.  These are the firm expectations and rules for household behavior.  They are the things we are willing  to have battles with our kids over.

By Minors, I mean the things that are merely parental preferences, hopes, or dreams — but not requirements.  We may wish things were otherwise, but we are unwilling to engage in battle over these things.  A harmonious relationship with our kids is more important than getting these things that we’d prefer.

Everything must fit into one of these two categories.  There is nothing in the middle — either it’s required or it’s not!  Parents will be wise to think carefully about where they put what.

So what determines which of the myriad of possible expectations belong on the Majors’ side or the Minors’?   Several factors will play into this.  Here are some:

• Religious convictions.  (e.g. rules related to church attendance, religious instruction, modesty, swearing, etc.)
• Values (e.g. respect, responsibility, kindness, chores, keeping commitments, etc.)
• Family traditions (e.g. eating together, holidays, relative interactions)
• Perception of the well-being and safety needs of the family (e.g. internet accountability, porn, smoking, sarcasm, bullying, noise volume, hygiene)
• Pet peeves and personality factors  (e.g. OCD, Autism, ADHD, and other realities that need special accommodation)
• Special needs of family members (e.g. sleeping baby, stress, lack of sleep)
• Learning from the example and inspiration of others

Three final thoughts…

First, consider carefully in which box your expectations should reside, because if you Major on the Minors you’re likely choosing numerous and needless battles with your kids.  It was always our goal to have the fewest number of battles with them.  Each battle builds a relational wall of separation between us.

Second, be aware that some things will need to switch back and forth from one list to the other over time.  This is because family needs change as everyone ages, our abilities and capacities can grow, and our tolerance levels can vary.

Third, make your list of Majors as small as possible.  Have as few rules as you can.  Say “yes”, every time you can.  Choose your “no”s strategically and be prepared to explain why.

This might be a better mix…

In my next post, I’ll share some of the outlandish things that our girls did that we chose to classify as Minors!

And in the final post of this series, I’ll share some practical ways to evaluate your current Majors list.

I have updated this post.  Please read it HERE

Sometimes parents believe that as long as the computer resides in a common family area our kids are safe.   I want to tell you about a bizarre intervention I did that proved how wrong this idea is.

Over a decade ago — in the days before cell phones — an anonymous teen began “Instant Messaging” me using a fake screen name.  All I knew was that he knew me and that he was someone in our youth group.  His IMs to me continued daily and he shared about being depressed and having thoughts of despair and suicide.   I was glad to offer as much encouragement and perspective as I could.  Over the course of several weeks he unknowingly gave me enough clues that I figured out who he was, but i didn’t let on.  I’ll call him Roger.

Late one evening Roger was especially troubled and messaged that he was planning to kill himself that very night!  He even had a plan in place!  Yikes!  I knew an immediate intervention was necessary, but I was unsure of how to proceed.

I needed to talk to Roger’s parents, but didn’t want to raise any alarm which might make him either kill himself or bolt.  Calling the family phone so late at night would be too risky.  I decided the best response was to drive to his house and assess the situation from there — and hopefully find a way to talk to his parents without his awareness.

I recruited my intern to sit at my computer, to keep Roger engaged in conversation with “me!”  What a nerve-wracking assignment it was for this poor guy — keep Roger alive by pretending to be me!  Prayerfully, I drove to Roger’s house.

When I got there I prowled around the house — in pouring rain no less — peaking through various windows to get a glimpse of what was going on.  What I found shocked me.  There in the family room his parents were sitting on a couch watching — no kidding — “Leave it to Beaver.”  Not 10 feet away Roger was sitting at the family computer typing his nightmarish, suicidal plans to “me.”    Wow!

Miraculously, I was finally able to get the parents’ attention without Roger’s knowledge.  Dripping wet from the rain, I revealed to them that their son was in a depressive crisis, which they were completely unaware of.  It took me showing them the written transcript I had brought of Roger’s dire IMs to convince them.  Once they were convinced, the three of us walked out into the family room and confronted him.  He was shocked — but ultimately relieved — to have been found out.  His parents showed tremendous empathy and concern, and immediately got him treatment for his depression.  Roger was rescued!

Today, more than a decade later,  Roger is an emotionally healthy,  growing Christian husband.  I still marvel at the way God allowed me to be part of that turning point in his life.

I wanted to share this story because it proves something very important:  parents mustn’t assume that simply having the computer in public view is enough to keep them safe.  Relying on that gives a false sense of security.

But perhaps my point is moot.  With today’s proliferation of computers at school and friends’ houses–in addition to tablets, ipads, smart phones, laptops, etc.–it would be nearly impossible for parents to monitor 100% of their kids’ computer use.

And even though I am in favor of them we can’t rely solely on filters, keystroke loggers, and accountability software either.  One couple recently told me how their teenage son builds and refurbishes computers with parts he keeps in his bedroom.  He knows way more about circumventing filters and firewalls than they do!

So is there any hope for protecting our kids from online dangers?   Four thoughts.

• We need to be reasonably attentive to what’s going on in our kid’s world.
• We need to find out what’s going on in our kid’s heart.
• We need to recognize that Parental Control has serious limitations.
• We would be wise to figure out how to have strong Parental Influence.

I’ll write my thoughts about the difference between Parental Control and Parental Influence in my next blog posts.

Thanks for reading.

Here’s a repost of a blog I wrote nine years ago today that is even more important in today’s digital world of relational distractedness…

The other day my 14 year old Bren and I were essentially stranded in our mini-van for an hour, fully expecting to be bored.  On a whim, I said five words that transformed our time into one of our most meaningful conversations ever!

“Let’s ask each other questions.”  

It was that simple.  What followed was a journey through our private worlds that built a bridge between us.   For a solid hour we took turns asking each other questions that we were curious about.  We both came away so excited about our conversation that we told the rest of the family what happened.  Since then, I tried it on a car ride with Lexi, my 11 year old with equal success.   Here are some samples of the kinds of questions we shared and that you could share with your kids…

“What was something fun that you did in college?”

“What’s one thing you’re not so good at?”

“What do you think of dating?”

“What’s do you think is one of Mom’s greatest character qualities?”

“What do you like most about being a pastor?”

“What is it about track that you like?”

I encourage you to try saying these 5 powerful words to your kids (or maybe your spouse!) when you have a little spare time together.  

2017 update:  

We used these five words often over the past nine years, but always in one-on-one settings.  Recently, Cindy and I tried using them with a student who is staying with us –a threesome!  We each took turns asking the other two questions for the good part of an hour.  So we discovered it also works in groups of three (presumably more as well!)  It was super fun and even Cindy and I learned things about one another we hadn’t known.  

In today’s digital age, let’s not default to social media consumption or electronic entertainment.  There’s a lot we can learn from each other through such face to face inquisitiveness!