markforstrom.com

My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Category: Marriage (Page 3 of 3)

You don’t have to like it to eat it.

July 3, 2019 / / 0 Comments

I am perhaps one of the most qualified people to write this post.

I know some people who are very particular about what they eat.  They immediately spit out whatever they find the least bit distasteful.  That’s not me.

For some unknown reason, I’m oftentimes more interested in experiencing a new taste sensation than I am about needing to be pleased by it.  I’ve said many times, “This thing that I’m eating is very unpleasant–but oh, how interesting!  It tastes awful, but it will sure make a great story!”  I’m also known for accepting food challenges, like chugging a bottle of Tabasco, or twice winning the Blazin’ Challenge at BWW.

Anyone who knows me knows that I always strive for “the full experience.”  Adventure matters more to me than pleasurable tastes in my mouth. I like surprises and trying new things.  So at restaurants, I generally look for the most interesting thing on the menu —  the more unfamiliar or extreme the better!  Or I’ll randomly order something like “lunch #7” just to see what the waiter brings me.

When Cindy and I took our trip around the world last year to visit friends in Europe, Africa, and Asia, one of my side goals was to sample each country’s most exotic foods.  Ever had African cow udders on a stick?  How about Chinese pigeon heads (including the skull!)?  Or Myanmar’s stinky fruit ice cream?  Or fresh silkworms from the Chinese market?  What about steamed pig fallopian tubes?  Or Togolese goat head stew, including the snout, eyes, and brain?

I’ve eaten all those things and more, and the picture at the top of this post documents some of it! And with only a few exceptions I always choose to finish whatever I start to eat, regardless of how much I may or may not enjoy it.

So why am I telling you all this?

Not merely to merely entertain you, although I hope I made you smile!  Not merely to make you feel better about your own less-miserable life!  Not because I’m suggesting that you join me in my culinary escapades (I know you’re relieved to hear that!).

I share this because my peculiar attitude toward eating might actually provide somewhat of a metaphor for abundant living:  we mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives expel everything we find unpleasant.

We mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives expel everything we find unpleasant.

In other words, there are undesirable things we must say “yes” to.

Parenting works better this way!  Obviously, the early stages of parenting involves unpleasant realities that we must embrace!  Like it or not, new parents’ must give up their own desires for a greater good–after all, who really desires to change that poopy diaper!

Marriage works better this way!  Cindy and I were having a discussion about marriage the other day with a young couple who wanted us to identify characteristics of a strong marriage.   One was the importance of letting go of your preferences for the sake of the marriage.  In a good marriage, there is a determination that I will remain committed to you even when you don’t do all the things I find pleasant.  It’s an attitude that says, “ I don’t need you to fulfill all my desires.”

Self-care works better this way!  How ironic it is when we shun discomfort in the present and think we will be more comfortable in the future.  Discomfort is actually the pathway to comfort.  Immediate gratification keeps us from the growth and development that only comes through hard-earned exercise, healthy eating, soul care, etc.

You can change the world this way!  I get inspired by people who sacrificially give up their personal preferences on a daily basis to serve a higher calling.  Teachers, social workers, medical practitioners, military personnel, volunteers, and others, challenge me to focus on the needs of others rather than focusing so much on my own wants.  Think what kind of world we would have if no one was willing to give up their preferences to do such things for the sake of others!

Church selection works better this way!  When choosing a church, shouldn’t we look for a church that challenges us, awakens us, and confronts us where we need it?  If we choose one primarily because we are comfortable with everything (location, music, preaching, facilities, decor, etc.) might we unwittingly be limiting our own spiritual development?  The answer is yes.

We’d better not recast Christianity as a feel-good religion.  The prosperity gospel portrays Christianity as if God is most interested in our comfort and pleasure.  That is quite the opposite of what Jesus modeled and taught, in fact, he guaranteed persecution and suffering for his true followers.  Ours ought to be the religion of sacrificial love, not selfish, lazy, comfortable love.  I am impacted by contemporary stories of persecuted Christians around the world who are standing firm even while suffering for their faith.  I admire missionaries who so readily set aside western comforts and conveniences in order to be ambassadors for God in faraway places.  The Christian life was never designed to be easy or comfortable — at least on this side of heaven.  Doing hard things is part of the package, just as it was for Jesus Himself.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong to have preferences or that we should seek out the way of suffering all the time. Pleasure can be a very good thing–indeed, God has designed us with natural desires, cravings, and sensations that must have been made for our delight.  The very existence of beauty itself is an evidence of God’s creative goodness and love.  Apparently, He delights in bringing us delight.  The joys of life are little tastes of heaven and it seems right that we should embrace them when they come.

What I am saying is simply this:  We mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives expel everything we find unpleasant.  There are undesirable things we must say “yes” to. 

In other words, “You don’t have to like it to eat it.”

 

In Togo, giant rats like this are a delicacy; this one actually cost $22–that’s more than the cost of a goat!  However, to us, it was no delicacy!  It tasted terrible;  One small bite was all we could stomach!  It’s one of the few things I couldn’t finish!

Majoring on the Majors — implementation!

April 11, 2019 / / 0 Comments

I’ve already written two parenting blogs about the Majors and the Minors, but there is a need for one more.  The first post explained the difference between Majors and Minors.  The second post gave two illustrations of some outlandish behaviors of our girls that we declared to be Minors!

This final post will be a step-by-step guide to recalibrating your current list of Majors into one which is more useful.

Whether you are conscious of it or not, you currently govern your children by a specific list of Majors.  You likely don’t even think about the list, but it’s there.  There are certain things you choose to engage in battle over, and other things you don’t.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR CURRENT LIST OF MAJORS

If I were to videotape your interactions with your kids for a whole week I could write down a pretty accurate list of your Majors.  Here’s what I would look for:

  1. Your use of commands is a dead giveaway.  When you tell them what they have to do, you’re clearly revealing things on your Majors list.
  2. Your choice of consequences is another undeniable indicator of your Majors. What things cause you either to use obvious punishments (such as groundings, taking away a phone, or sending them to their room) or to use the more subtle concealed punishments (verbal scoldings, blame-and-shame tactics, labeling, bribery, or other forms of manipulation)?
  3. Your tone of voice is a less obvious, but equally clear gauge of what you treat as a Major.  What behaviors do you raise your voice over?  Or nag about?  Or threaten regarding?  Or get sarcastic about?  These verbal cues subtly reveal your Majors.
  4. Your body language will also give it away.  Are your hands on your hips?  Are you frowning in disgust?  Does your face look cross with disapproval? Are your brows furrowed?  Are you rolling your eyes?  Is your face turning red?  Each of these wordless communications reveals that your kids have violated one of your Majors.
  5. Even how you pronounce your child’s name will reveal your list of Majors.  Do you normally speak their name sweetly? Or sharply, with a tone of disdain?  Is it said affectionately? Or does your voice’s pitch drop off at the end of their name, indicating your irritation with them?

FOUR STEPS TO RECALIBRATING YOUR MAJORS LIST

STEP ONE – Take Inventory

First, you must identify what things are on your current list of Majors.  Pay attention to the five things listed above and write down the Majors that are indicated by your own behavior toward your children.  Realize that you are naturally going to be blind to many of them because the interactions with your kids have likely become habitual.  Recruit others to help you identify what your own behavior reveals about what seems to bother you most.

STEP TWO – Eliminate 90% of Your Majors

Looking carefully at your list, ask yourself which of those issues are worth jeopardizing your relationship with your kids over. My guess is that 90% of your current Majors are issues that don’t matter nearly as much as enjoying harmony with your kids.

Keep in mind that by Majors, we’re talking about things you absolutely require—things that are so important that you’re willing to engage in battles with your kids over them. These are demands of yours that justify having a strained relationship with your kids.

Most of the things that you’ll be crossing off of your Majors list–i.e. the Minors–are not that important.  They may feel important to you at first, because you’ve clung to them so long, but they are really only preferences. They are certainly not important enough to justify erecting a wall over them between you and your kids.  Re-read my first blog on this topic for a refresher on what factors should determine our Majors.

Your purged list of Majors should be noticeably shorter.  In fact, you might be shocked by how small your list is!  Not many issues are actually worth battling over, in fact, this process should greatly reduce the number of battles you have with your kids!

STEP THREE – Do Some Self-Reflection

This would be a good time to look at what you crossed off and ask yourself what made those things Majors for you in the past?  Was it your own impatience?  Was it your need to control?  Was it a need to win battles with little people?  Was it fear of them failing?  Was it the embarrassment of what others might think of your parenting if your kids acted imperfectly?  By asking these questions we’ll oftentimes discover that our own personal issues, fears, and insecurities have been causing many of the unneeded battles with our kids.  Maybe we never had a “problem child” but rather a “problem ego!”

STEP FOUR- Let It Go

Just like the annoyingly memorable song from Frozen, we have to learn to let go of the things we formerly considered Majors.  We will be tempted to return to the old list, harping on things that we wish were different.  Bad habits die hard, so we will have to be aware of our tendency to glare, scold, command, frown, and punish our kids over things that, in the grand scheme of things, really don’t matter nearly as much as our kids’ hearts.  We’ll have to let our preferences go unfulfilled and some of our expectations unmet.  We’ll have to bite our tongue sometimes.  We’ll often have to hide our disappointment.  For the sake of relational closeness and harmony.

STEP FIVE – Enjoy Each Other

With the number of household battles potentially reduced by 90%, you’ll have much more time and opportunity to enjoy one another!  By not sparring with them all the time perhaps you’ll start to see them as precious people with their own unique personalities, rather than your biggest disappointment.  Perhaps you’ll discover who God made them to be, how He wired them, and what matters to them.  Conversely, by not perceiving you as their constant critic or micromanager, they might also gain an interest in getting to know you, your heart, and what matters to you.  Influence flows from relational harmony and mutual respect, and as I’ve blogged about before, influence is a much better parental strategy than control.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR COUPLES

I’ve written the above from the standpoint of a single parent, relating to a single child.  But what about couples?  What if their lists of Majors are not exactly the same?  Three thoughts.

  • Everything above still applies to married parents.  Most of your interactions with your children happen one-on-one, between one parent and a child during the course of the day.  If you improve your personal relationship with each of your kids, reducing the battles you have with them, the whole family benefits.
  • There certainly will be areas where the parents will have to agree on household rules, i.e. acceptable expectations for children no matter which parent is present.  Wise couples will have conversations about what rules are worth battling with kids over and which can be let go of.  When agreement can’t be reached, commit it to prayer and consult with others who may offer insight.  Be intentional, not hasty, when possible.
  • Sometimes a decision needs to be made without reaching parental consensus.  Keep in mind that, scripturally, the husband is ultimately held responsible in the eyes of God for the well-being of his family, and that his leadership is to flow out of his own sacrificial love for his wife and children.

FLEXIBILITY IS THE KEY

  • The list of Majors will change somewhat over time and most household rules should remain flexible.  Always be open to reasonable feedback from any household member.  Ultimately, the parents are in charge, but everyone’s input should be valued and considered.  As family dynamics change and as kids grow older the expectations should also change accordingly.
  • Adjust rules according to the current needs of the moment.  For example, when the baby isn’t sleeping, everyone can be loud.  Or when a tidy mom is on a trip, dad and the kids shouldn’t have to keep the house immaculate–until just before she returns!  Make sure the rules in force always serve a useful purpose and are not arbitrary.

Influence Optimizer #1: Model Authenticity

January 1, 2019 / / 0 Comments

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In this post and the following four posts I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

“It’s more caught than taught,” is more than a cliché; it is an axiom of life.  In my experience, the primary way we influence others involves how others see us living our own lives. For good or for ill, our lives are examples that will shape the lives of others.  People are watching and being shaped by what they see in us.  But as they look at our lives there are two things they might observe: Hypocrisy or Authenticity. Both are highly influential, but they exert influence in opposite directions.

Hypocrisy:  “Do as I say.”

We all know how damaging hypocrisy can be.  Think of people with double standards, charlatans, and Christian celebrities caught covering up their vices–not having  practiced what they’ve preached.  Hypocrites influence people toward cynicism, skepticism, or all-out resistance.  Two-faced people are a primary reason people walk away from their values-of-origin, their families, and the church. So if we aim to influence others positively, it’s important that we pay attention to when our words don’t match our actions.

But aren’t we all hypocrites?  Yes we are.  All of us.

Then what hope is there for positively influencing others? The good news is that we can be authentic hypocrites!  We can own our hypocrisy, show remorse for our double standards, and seek to correct our inconsistencies. In a wonderful and ironical way, when others see us respond humbly to our imperfections it switches our influence from negative to positive!  Nowhere is this more readily seen than with our children.

Authenticity:  “Do as I do.”

I want to spend the bulk of this essay describing practical ways we can model authenticity with our children (and others who are watching) in order to have a positive influence.

  • If you want them to learn honesty and integrity, don’t let them see you calling in sick to work as you head out to the golf course.
  • If resisting temptation and finishing well is important to you, model how you incorporate accountability in your life.
  • If you want them to have a godly perspective on marriage, model a godly marriage by showing affection, love and respect to your spouse!
  • If you want them to have a close walk with God, don’t simply make them “do devotions;”  it’s far better to share with them scriptures that you are finding meaningful and share how God is shaping you through your devotional times.
  • If you want them to be more willing to do chores, model the joy of serving your family.
  • If you want them to be generous and compassionate, model the joy of sacrificial giving, including them in opportunities involving generosity.
  • If you want them to avoid self-medicating, show them your attentiveness to restraining your own vulnerabilities in this area (substances, social media, video games, materialism).
  • If you don’t want your kids to be lazy, show them what a good work ethic looks like and share how you find value in a job well done.
  • If you want them to “redeem the time” make sure you aren’t wasting time that should be spent more constructively.
  • If attending church is important to you, show that it’s a priority to you by your regular attendance and by not giving in to a coach’s demands for Sunday travel.
  • If your kids have trouble listening, make listening to them a priority.
  • If you want them to learn emotional regulation, control your anger and watch the words you say and the way you say them.
  • If you want them to treat people with respect, let them see you treating others with respect, even those with whom you disagree.
  • If you want them to exercise or be healthy, show that this is something you are attentive to as well.
  • If you want them to own their mistakes, own your own and be quick to apologize to them when you mistreat them.
  • When you blow it in any of these areas, readily admit it and show your determination to grow and change.

This is by far the most important influencer of them all.  But the other four are important as well. I now encourage you to consider the other four of them, starting with Influence Optimizer #2.

Love Fails

April 29, 2017 / / 0 Comments

 

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For many years I’ve been reflecting on the topic of love within marriages, families, and friendships — and my profound conclusion is this:  Love Fails!

“Forstrom’s a heretic!” the Bible scholar will contend. “He’s 180 degrees off-base!  1 Corinthians 13:8 clearly says that Love never fails.”  Ha!

Others will call me a pessimist. “Shouldn’t he be upholding unfailing love as the foundation on which to build healthy relationships?   What’s gotten into this guy?”

Let me explain.

Unconditional, pure, selfless, agape love is certainly the biblical ideal — and at times it is achievable — but it’s never sustainable.

Human love notably falls short. It’s unreliable. Limited. Lacking. Temporary.  Incomplete.  Sooner or later, love always fails.  Probably sooner!

This is important to understand because if we don’t concede that the love of others will inevitably fail us, our expectations of them will be unrealistic and we will be needlessly — and perpetually —  offended.

Let me illustrate from our own lives with reference to Gary Chapman’s “Five Love Languages.”

  • I am very aware that Cindy’s primary love language is “Acts of Service”, and yet here I am blogging instead of scrubbing the shower.  In fact, I’m ashamed to admit that I spend an average of about 23.5 hours a day not doing acts of service for her!  My love fails!
  • On the flip side, my primary love language is “Touch” — and you can be sure that I have made my wife Cindy very aware of that fact!  But at this moment as I write this she is not touching me.  She’s working on her “pile.”  She could be rubbing my shoulders at this very moment but she’s not — to my dismay.  In fact, Cindy spends over 15 hours every day not touching me.  (Note: I’m giving her full credit for all the time we spend sleeping–our “super single” waterbed is only 48 inches wide, so touching me is inevitable for those 7 or 8 hours!)

The point is this:  Cindy and I will never love and serve one another as much as we could.  There will always be one more honey-do project I could have done today.  Every back rub she thinks to give me could have lasted 1 minute longer.  Or an hour longer.  Our love for each other always falls short of what it could have been.

And of course, loving others involves much more than just Touch or Acts of Service — there are multiple expressions of love.  But the reality is that the time and effort we spend intentionally and actively loving each other is quite often interrupted by other things.  Plus, we’re forgetful, we get distracted, we get overloaded, we’re unaware of needs, we lose momentum, we lose focus, we misprioritize, we run out of energy, and sometimes we get lazy.

Many people live their whole lives perpetually offended by the fact that others’ love fails them.

Instead of wallowing in feelings of neglect and resentment let’s put the failing love of others in perspective.  Here are seven ways:

  1. Cut them some slack.  Concede that others are simply human and prone to fall short.  Except by the grace of God, there go I.
  2. Recognize that life pulls people in many directions.  As I blogged about earlier we shouldn’t require others to do their best all the time.  Let’s not expect them to do as much for us as they could, instead let’s keep our expectations realistic.
  3.  Admit that we’re not the only recipient of someone’s love.  We have to share our loved ones with others. To not share them is to be controlling, manipulative, and selfish.  It is important to remember that we don’t need them.
  4. Recognize that our felt needs do not necessarily define what is best for us.  If Cindy gave me backrubs 16 hours a day the bills wouldn’t be paid, the house would be in disarray, etc.  If I did acts of service for Cindy around the house 16 hours a day I wouldn’t bring home a paycheck and we would no longer have a house!  My felt needs are not all that matters.
  5.  Humble yourself and admit how much you yourself also fail at loving others.  When I start to feel neglected by others an instant cure comes when I recognize how much more I’ve neglected them.  Take the log out of your own eye first, adopting the attitude of Brother Lawrence, “When I fail in my duty, I readily acknowledge it, saying, ‘I am used to do so; I shall never do otherwise if I am left to myself.’” (The Practice of the Presence of God).
  6. Remind one another that your love is guaranteed to fail them.  Make it very clear that they can expect this from you.  Not that you’ll willfully harm them or spitefully neglect them, but that your love will ultimately fall short of all it could be.   “I promise to neglect you,” is a phrase they ought to hear you say, knowing that this will never be intentional, but that it will be inevitable.
  7. Trust in God’s unfailing love rather than man’s.  Allow the failings of human love to be useful in giving us a thirst for His love that never fails.

Guaranteed to fail you,

Mark

The Importance of Showing Affection in Marriage

March 20, 2010 / / 1 Comment

This past week, my daughter Lexi randomly discovered “The Brady Bunch” on YouTube. She’s quickly become addicted to it–but this is one of the better addictions; it offers wonderfully clean, and wholesome entertainment compared to what is so often dished out by Hollywood today.

Watching the Bradys is like traveling in time back to my childhood — in fact, I was about my girls’ age when I used to watch it every day after school. (I admit, I was crushing on Marcia.)  It’s been a delight to revisit these shows, laughing with my girls and talking about the relative simplicity of life in the 70s.  Yes, corded phones used to be attached to the wall!  

One thing that stands out about the the Brady Bunch is the level of affection shown by Mike and Carol. It’s obvious that they are in love, nuzzling and flirting all the time — even in front of the kids. But nobody blushes — in fact, the kids relish their parents’ mutual delight nearly as much as Mike and Carol do. The affection of their parents seems to add to the well-being and security of their home.

Which is exactly the point I wish to make.

Today, we live in a world where marriage is breaking down before our eyes. We might blame the secular culture for devaluing and redefining marriage, but perhaps the greatest hindrance is the lack of healthy marriages being modeled.  Our kids are subtly being taught something about marriage every day.

Think of the messages they get from television and movies: sensual delight is found primarily outside of marriage and marriage will limit your options — almost like going to prison. Married people have to “settle down” and stop having fun. Bachelor parties have become like the Mardi Gras before the dreaded season of Lent. No wonder kids today don’t value marriage!

Christian parents are not exempt.   Do we who are married show our kids that marriage is a delight or do they see it as more of a contractual arrangement where the parents simply co-exist?

Why might Christian parents neglect to show affection in front of their kids?   I can think of three reasons.

First. Is it in hopes that our kids won’t think about sex? Too late, they already do! God has given them massive amounts of hormones and they’re trying to figure out what they’re for. We’ve got to show them that the proper context for drives, affections, and sensuality is in marriage — otherwise they’ll begin to seek the fulfillment of these things in all the wrong places.

Second. Is it because showing affection is out of our comfort zone? I realize that your background, personality, ethnicity, circumstances etc. affect your comfortability with showing affection, but I suggest that nevertheless it must be shown. It may take getting used to and you may observe some eye-rolling at first, but it will impact your family for the better. My kids have gotten used to us snuggling on the couch; they see us holding hands; they catch my cheesy pickup lines some nights before bedtime, and they hear me tease about wanting a “transparent shower curtain” in our bathroom for my birthday. They groan at this last one of course, but through it all, they learn that their parents’ affection is genuine and secure, which makes the whole family feel secure. And in the process, they learn what marriage is meant to be, hopefully wanting that for themselves one day.

Third. Is it because we honestly don’t have any affection for our spouse? If this is the case then the best thing you can do for your kids is to sprint directly into marriage counseling. Affection isn’t negotiable. It’s not the icing on the cake of marriage it is the cake itself. Marriage is ALL about the quality of the relationship. As far as it depends on you, do whatever is possible to get help with your marriage. I would be glad to chat with any of you about how to get help in this area.

Guilt. Lastly, I fear some of you will read this and simply feel guilty because you’re not able to model a healthy, affectionate marriage to your kids. Perhaps you’re a single parent or you’re stuck in a marriage where — due to circumstances beyond your control — affection is simply not going to be a reality. I want you to know that God is big enough to overcome your situation! He’s so good at working in spite of us. Trust Him. Pray that your kids will see healthy marriages modeled in the lives of other mentors. (That’s why I require my youth group volunteer couples to show PDA in youth group.) Perhaps your unfortunate situation will be used positively to give your kids a thirst for what you yourself long for. God’s not limited by anything. Trust Him.

And for some of you perhaps the first step would be to watch a couple reruns of the Brady Bunch!

 

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